Wednesday, September 20, 2017


I feel my own personal life path is to figure how to make authentic love something more, rather than less, likely, and how to make it more common.

We are commanded in the Christian tradition to love, but ponder that. Love or die. Love or God will hate you. Love or you will be thrown into eternal darkness. I honestly cannot decide if Christianity is a net blessing or curse, although it is certainly both.

I think my most excruciating work is done. My struggles continue, but I have lost the need to drink, and this is a major advance.

I watch the news and it breaks my heart sometimes. How can the same poor islands that just endured a hurricane go through another. But people endure. It is what we do.

I continue to choose to believe that universal light is possible on this planet, and that humanity can survive the next 100 years with our freedoms and dignity intact. I can't of course know this, but as Churchill put it, roughly, there is little damned use in negative thinking. Seeking and finding a condition of paralyzed helplessness is neither hard nor useful.

Many ideas continue to flood through me, but I am for now trying to stay with my primary experience, and my primary existential struggle, which I may describe more fully later.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Life Contradictions

Every moment is important, but none too important.

Love is what is most important, but sometimes we need to be selfish, and even cruel.

It is important to never waste time, but sometimes the most important thing IS to waste time.

You should dedicate yourself to helping others, but the first other is always you.

There are no absolutes, except when there are.

I have in recent days been trying, again, to puzzle out a life philosophy.  When I look out at the world, I see many solutions.  And I see many people driven mad by a felt need to conform to absolute dictates of one sort or another.

Life, it seems to me, is a tide: it comes in and it goes out.  What was becomes what is, becomes what will be.  There is no constant landscape, other than motion.

As a shelter from this, many humans have evolved inflexible rules, such as the Jewish and Islamic laws, or the Catholic liturgy.  Communism is little but an escape from freedom by assigning "law" to "history".

Sometimes we need absolute rules.  But sometimes we don't. 

And the philosopher--if I might style myself as such, my own reservations about that word and vocation notwithstanding--should see the big picture.  Sometimes, emotionally, you need to be firm, and obviously you must be firm in something.  This is rigidity.  This is Law.

But sometimes it is necessary to bend like the Taoist willow, allowing, without losing ones roots.

In some respects, I think I am trying to wrestle with my own tendency to be judgemental.  It was a functional adaptation at one time.  I needed it.  It was the only way I could make sense of the world.

But what I see is that it separates me from most of humanity.  All have fallen in some ways, but all have also risen in some ways, and found some light somewhere.  For me to be tense, to force a separation, is a violence to truth, and more than a little unfair to me myself.  When I push someone away emotionally, I lose what could have been an interesting interaction, potentially useful to both of us.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017


It is odd this word would mean two very different things. But they are not so different. To leave is to begin, and all doors are both exits and entrances.

One starts where one is, but few of us see all the places we can go.

Feeling a bit mystical today. It's easy enough to use the language!!!!

Hidden posture

It occurs to me most of us have one way of moving in the world, as our "posture", or what Moshe Feldenkrais more comprehensively called our "acture", and another posture hidden within our selves. Part of healing--really, I think most or all of it--is learning on a feeling level who you are, and part of that is connecting with your relationship with your body when you are not having to fool people so they dont attack you, or so it feels to some of us.

When I am not an inflated pufferfish, or activated porcupine, who am I? Where would I rest, if I could?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

China and North Korea

I heard on the radio that Norrh Korea gets 90% of its fuel from China. This means that without China they cannot survive. They certainly would not be in a position to develop and test nuclear missiles and warheads.

And they continue to support North Korea:

Here is a simple idea: if and when North Korea launches an effective nuclear attack on the US mainland, we consider it an act of war by China itself, and react accordingly.

Obviously, a nuclear war is not the outcome we want, but it is not the outcome they want either. But given that China can shut them down any time they want, they are CLEARLY culpable.

If we add this to the table, along with the threat of a tiered trade war we can escalate gradually, perhaps they can be made to see reason.

China itself is not peaceful, and its leaders not secure in their power. They are corrupt, greedy, brutal, and indifferent to anything not directly related to an unearned national pride, or the internal violence needed to keep hundreds of millions of miserable people from committing mass slaughter of the dictators who call themselves liberators.

It is very possible to put real pressure on both these nations, or so it seems to me.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Protecting ones light

Sometimes you have to just watch those who have chosen death die.  There are countless seeds struggling to take root and sprout new life. Save your energy for them. None of us invented death. It is simply a factor in our existence.

Those who seek darkness will find it. Those who seek oblivion will find it.

Friday, September 8, 2017


Anger ends when the hurt ends, and I think the end of hurt is the same as forgiveness.  Forgiveness is when the thought of someone, or something which hurt you, no longer brings out strong emotions.  It is growth, though, which brings understanding.  Forgiveness makes it no longer matter.  Growth allows you to see.

I am still angry about a number of things, and I still hurt. For someone like me, being able to feel hurt in the first place is progress.  I never knew what was being done to me, because I checked out early on.

You can of course choose to forgive someone, but it seems to me this is simply a decision to consistently alter your focus.  This is likely helpful, likely healthy, and likely the only way to move on for some people.  But until you heal the hurt, you are papering it over, and it never fully goes away.

When I finish my inventory, I don't want anything left.  What I want is consistently expressed creativity, focus, and pleasure in people and in work.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Eben, as the Germans say

Socialism is a worldview, not a system for solving concrete, actually existing problems. It is a means without an end. 

Monday, September 4, 2017

Feelings are open

In the past days I have felt clearly this sense that feelings are open.  There is no roof, even if there are walls, even if there is a "you" within which they arise.

What I mean by this, is that when bad feelings--sadness, fear, pain--arise, there is a tendency to fight them, to try to push them down.  This of course only makes them sneaky and in some ways more powerful.  They come out in irrational behavior.  That you can rationalize it does not change this fact.  Nobody ever does anything without a reason.  Ted Bundy and Chairman Mao had their logics.

But if you imagine yourself floating in a cistern, perhaps on a boat, there is no roof.  As the tide rises, you keep going up and up and up, then down and down, and as it goes down, you eventually reach dry land again.  The key is to contact, be conscious of, and to consciously allow the flow to happen.  When you do this, you do not avoid some unpleasant moments, but with faith, they fade, and you learn to deal with them, and over time you lose the fear of negative feelings.  Having lost this fear--which prevents much joy--you are then free to allow positive feelings easy access to your daily consciousness.

We spend so much time fearing what we will lose, who we will lose.  When you lose this fear, everything becomes interesting, fascinating.  Everywhere you look, there is something to make you smile, and there is something to investigate and learn from.  The world becomes a much more tender, inviting, and free space.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Broken Windows

On behalf of Paul Krugman and his Broken Window-istas, I would like to thank God for this MASSIVE boost to the Houston and indeed the Texas economy.  No greater blessing could possibly be imagined.

If ONLY Obama had spent 5x what he did, imagine the wealth that could have been produced!!!!  But he didn't listen to old Paul, did he?

So sorry, America, but Houston is getting the full Krugman red carpet.  Don't be haters because they are so lucky.

Houston: A Socialist Response

It seems some people think that if you go next door to get a cup of sugar from your neighbor--something common when I was growing up, in a less paranoid, less hostile age--this is socialism.  It is socialism if the church has a bake sale to help pay someone's medical bills.  It is socialism if large numbers of people contribute money to help their fellow Americans.  This is stupidity.  It is an abuse of language and thought made possible by the idiotic thought central to the whole idea psychologically, which is if that people come together voluntarily, that is community, so logically forcing people to come together--as mediated by a vast and powerful bureaucracy--is likewise community.  This is sociologically and psychologically indefensible.

No, Socialism would have been, among other things, to make sure that every boat in the "Cajun Navy" first got an inspection and a safety certificate before they were allowed to conduct rescues.  Committees would have been formed to make sure that they went into all neighborhoods evenly, such that no one neighborhood got a disproportionate number of boats.

There would have needed to have been an enormous number of bureaucrats to oversee this operation, and they themselves would have needed to be fed and housed, out of the money which might otherwise have gone to survivors.  They would have maintained an aura of moral hauteur, at the good they were doing in the world.

And, of course, as has been seen the world over, no small number of them would not have been averse to receiving bribes and favors to make sure certain people were exempted from equality, and they certainly would have taken care of their own family and friends first.

As things happened, though, the free energy of free people was mobilized, to great effect.  This is an excellent analogy of free markets.  There is no need for top down management.  People are not fucking idiots, and in general and in aggregate if they are decent human beings, everything works out.  Houston is a formally complex system, and using anything but local knowledge would have been imbecilic; as indeed it is with regard to all economic issues.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Saying No

All children at a certain age--2 and 3 especially--need to hear NO regularly.

At the same time, they need to hear YES too.  Life says no often, but it also says yes, and if you never hear it, you miss much.

If I might summarize my difficulties, it is that I never heard yes.  There was no one there to do that.  I do think in the past and around much of the world today that role is often played, when the parents fail, by an aunt, or grandmother, or cousin, or some other member of an extended network of people.  It doesn't have to be much or often.  It just has to be sincere and timely.

There was no path forward or backwards, and no way to remain in place.  This is how you create dissociation.  Impossible becomes out.

I continue to land slowly in my body, though.  All wounds can be managed and transformed.  I do believe this.  

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The way out

It seems to me that all Leftisms necessarily start with atheism.  This is what creates the manias, the incorrigibility, the relentless errors, terrors, and pain and suffering.

If Trump wants to strike a decisive blow at his enemies, he should provide massive funding for after-life research, and research into the broad category of "God", which we might define as the infinite energy which connects all of us, and gives us life.

The templates are there.  For example, the Laboratory for Advances in Consciousness and Health, at the University of Arizona.

Or the Institute for Noetic Sciences.

What if we funded research into the most important question any human can ask--what is the nature of and point of human life--to the same extent we fund this farce of Global Warming?

It can be frustrating being significantly more intelligent than most people--and I do believe that to be the case with me--because it makes the stupidity of the world much more obvious.

Why not focus as a nation and a society on what is most important?  Is this an unreasonable question?

Grief and the city

When you look at Trump versus Other voters, the pattern that I see has to do with the capacity of people to inhabit the worlds and roles of those who came before them.

I was at our State Fair yesterday, watching among other things a pig judging contest.  I was watching kids of no more than 6 years old in some cases in a ring with a bunch of others, wearing cowboy shirts, Levi's, and large belt buckles, using switches to guide their pigs around the the enclosure, while being watched carefully by a judge--a slightly hunched man who I knew was quite capable of working hard 20 days many days in a row--and watching the spectators, who came in families, and who slept in groups on cots with their animals, sometimes with the family dog in a cage, and thinking that these little boys and girls will in all likelihood be proud to grow up like their mamas and daddies.

There are of course many temptations--boredom with living in a small town being the main one--which draw people away, but there are many country songs about coming home, too.  Here is one:

"I ran off when it came to blows with my old man, but I came home, and this is where they'll bury me."

What they have is a template for life.  They don't have to reject their parents.  They might argue for a time, but there is peace where people largely think the same.  This is the fact with multiculturalism which nobody wants to talk about: everyone, all groups, of all beliefs and backgrounds, are happiest with their own kind.  This is a sociological fact.  What one makes of it politically is determined by what mania, or what compassion, motivates one.

I would distinguish this from the City, broadly understood.  In the city you get nothing but motion.  Your parents are not nested anywhere, and there is a good chance they are divorced or never married in the first place.  There is no "way of life" worth speaking of, other than continual, largely random and anxiety driven motion.

I look at bumper stickers from movies, like the "Abide" ones referencing "The Big Lebowski", and it occurs to me that all the shared referents for people in both suburbs and the city are not just mutable, but highly mutable.  There are no Great Stories, no Great Myths (in Joseph Campbell's sense).  This makes all social connections tenuous, easily severed, and life emotionally precarious.

This, in my view, is the root of the effectiveness of the propaganda which our media perpetrates.  If you find yourself out of lockstep with others--and I have commented on this before--you risk losing inclusion.  To find yourself fully alone with nothing is unthinkable.  I think most people ingest the lies our media tells without even pausing a moment to question it, because they KNOW that everyone around them is doing the same.

And all you need to create a fully sustainable propaganda bubble is vast anxiety and alienation, and synchronizing signals whose channel--which in this case can be taken literally--is known to everyone you know.  All you have to do to belong is repeat what everyone else is belonging.

But the cost of this belonging is the capacity for independent judgement, and for genuine individuation.  When everyone's primary emotion is loneliness, they grasp at straws.  Provide them the straws, and you have a leash on them.

And it occurs to me further that the dominant emotion of any authoritarian regime has to be shame.  Christianity is rooted in shame because it is a powerful tool for controlling people.  And this is the reason that the very first trick the lunatics who occupy the core of the Left employ is teaching Americans, particularly, to be ashamed of their history, of who they ARE.  This makes them clay, which is malleable, and can be shaped and fitted to any form deemed suitable.

For myself, of course, I see the limitations of both world views, but the "country" worldview is at least stable, and the simple fact is that pride enables independence, and independence enables individual judgement.  It is possible to be genuinely tolerant when one has no shame in who one is.  And whatever the defects of Christianity otherwise, tolerance is something it preaches, and which in my experience most Christians try to practice.  America is uniquely tolerant, at a genuine, gut level.

But large numbers have ingested this poison that we are wicked, that we should bear the sins of our fathers, and this leads to grief, shame, alienation, and violence.

This is what we see on the streets today.  Oh, if only one could bottle sanity, could bottle the idea that we are all sufficient in ourselves, that joy is our natural condition, and acceptance the gift of and from God.


It seems to me that, spiritually speaking, the only possible locus of lasting and genuine happiness is the individual.  Our perception must be based on individual relationships with God, and society based upon the notion of self organizing and dynamic systems which welcome and easily incorporate change.

There is an old Zen saying: at first I was just chopping wood.  Then I was not chopping wood.  Then I was chopping wood again.  Something like that.

When are you not chopping wood?  When you are chopping someone's face.

Look at the violence in our world.  Look at our media, at Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead, one of the top three movies at all times.

When I look at traditional societies, they all beat their children.  They want them to grow in specific ways, to inhabit and incorporate specific behavior patterns based on specific templates based upon specific values.

Because these specific values are not compatible with those of other groups and tribes, conflicts of all sorts tend to emerge.  War has been a continual fact for all of recorded history.  "Only the dead have seen the end of war" is an old saying.

Now, trade, and commerce work to mediate tendencies towards conflict, and among intelligent people, the goal of wealth alone works to keep the peace, but what tends to happen is that if any one civilization becomes wealthy through trade, they are conquered by an inferior civilization with greater bloodlust.  A good example is the conquest of Canaan by the the proto-Israelites.

What I am feeling within myself as I calm down is warring factions within my psyche.  It is all, or largely, unconscious.  There are two paths I have always been trying to take simultaneously.  One is conformity to my parents wishes, which was reinforced through physical and emotional punishment, and buttressed with intellectual structures which I have since cast aside.  The other is a path towards personal growth and back to God.  The two are incompatible, and they both exist at a root level.  And I cannot find peace until they have made peace.

Long ago, whenever I created my other website,, I noted that Freud, in writing of "Civilization and its discontents", spoke only of the repression of negative emotions. To counterbalance this I created the notion of Qualitative Repression .

That was not quite ten years ago.  Here is what I would say today: TRUE individualism is also unacceptable in most social contexts.  A genuine aspiring mystic, following a path which unfolds only one step at a time, is also unwelcome.  Why?  Because it activates latent energies within people which are exactly analogous to those I find troubling me every night.

As I calm, though, I am contacting these energies with greater and greater specificity.  It is astonishing and very interesting how much I feel every day.  Every moment contains revelations which I cannot speak when I am able to remain open for any amount of time.  And to be clear, I am not speaking of God or the future: I am simply speaking of available affective possibilities, of very specific sensations and qualities of internal imagery.

But all of these things take time.  I have structured my life in such a way--and sacrificed the outer trappings of success in this country to do so--so that I can support all of this.  But most people can't.  Their emergences just look weird, if they happen in public.

Most people are operating at the social level equivalent of the hive mind.  They are not insects, obviously, because they can think and reason up to a point.  They can explain what they are doing and why, but they can't REALLY explain what they are doing, why, or who they really are, or who they might be if they did not have all this programming with them.  This is what people speak of when they say people are asleep.  Gurdjieff, as one example, used this term often.

Sometimes when I am out in public, wandering around, I think of Lao Tzu's comment that he is different, that he is nourished by a different mother.  And I ask myself: should I try to be more like other people, or should I do my own thing, and wait for them to come to me?  What do you think makes more sense?  I think the latter.  What I see on display, among people who follow the orthodox marching orders, is confusion, anxiety, emotional superficiality, greed as compensation, sexual pleasure with--I suspect--very little sexual satisfaction (if Mick Jagger couldn't get there, who can?), and the sadness of feeling alone and forgotten, even among people.  This is not everyone, obviously.  Many people are satisfied with their lives, and these people make civilization continue well.  But where are they going?  In our current world, if we do not build something new, everything is going to come falling down.  That is what I feel, and that is the root aim of those doing their level best to topple our civilization and its contents down like an old statue.

What I feel, is that--in the presence of unprecedented freedom and opportunity--many of our youth are becoming atavistic, and longing for a time and place where there was, as they conceive the thing, order and where their emotional confusion was answered with the discipline they never received at home, with the clear structure they never received at home.  They want fascism, to deal with their moral and emotional confusion, and for the same reason the original fascists wanted it.

And actually, that opens an interesting question.  I have not read the several propagandists for Communism who looked for and found sexual repression in fascism--to which they wanted to provide as an antithesis their own countless and emotionally empty couplings of various sorts--but I do wonder what the sexual lives of these Antifa fascists looks like.  What is it like, not knowing in advance if the woman you are courting has a penis, and who expects it not to matter in the least?  What is it like, feeling seething anger coupled with functional helplessness--as I have noted, many of them seem to live with their parents--when it comes to what is at its root an act of joy and cocreation?  I suspect sex is not very important at all to many of these people.  Gender is, obviously, and gender identity, and all these unnatural abstractions, but not the physical act of intimacy, much less the emotional act of being vulnerable.  This is where the anger comes from.

So as usual I am making a short story long.  Here is what I feel: to go to the next level as a human being, you have to cast off the webbing of sociality, and to do so you must privilege your own perception relative to that of anyone else.  And we must grant this privilege to everyone.  This is the essence of the creed of Individualism.

Our curse,  of course, is that in the middle of this bounty of freedom, we lack both the tools for authentic personal exploration, and more importantly, the social sanction for it.

I FEEL, I feel, the anxiety that underlies the nervous energy which underlies our social order.  I feel the compulsions to go shopping, to eat out, to fuck, to drink, to work hard, to dream of more and more stuff, and vacations which are mainly of use as forms of conspicuous consumption.

I will leave it there for now.  I am wandering again.  I have been having very odd--but aren't they all?--dreams lately, but highly useful ones.  I am on the scent of something good.

Friday, August 25, 2017


Sometimes in life, it occurs to me that the best metaphor is a ship sailing from one port to another, from one "destination" to another.  I think sometimes many of us--this applies certainly to me--panic when we don't know immediately what is next.  What's coming.  What's over the horizon.

More ocean, then something else.  You will know when you get there.

It doesn't hurt to have a daily plan, and goals of all lengths, but much of life consists in just continuing to show up in various ways, and much of what happens, we didn't see coming at all.  Be open to change.  Look for it.  Welcome it.  That is how exploring is done.


I think the key to forgiveness is touching the "Judgement Day"--by which I intend our authentic core selves, the ones we cannot leave behind-/and realizing how often we have inadvertently hurt others, through stupidity, reflexive emotionality, stubborn pride, or some other variant of the madness which dwells amongst g us all.

Substance support

I will be throwing small bits out here and there in coming days.

Thought: substance "abuse" supports the pretending made necessary by the inability to relate to others authentically.  When you get tired, you can always find comfort.  It is an authentic friend, even if one which does not love back, and which poisons you.

This is the real crime of substance abuse, that you medicate the hurting, and make building nearly impossible.

But for many of us, what building is possible on thin air?

I say this as someone who maybe, possibly--I've threatened this before--may have gotten drunk for the last time.  I seem to be melding the selves.  It is difficult work.  As I've said before, my average night would scare the shit out of most people, and certainly make keeping a girlfriend quite difficult, unless she was extraordinary.

I do feel I made a heart connection last night though.  I allowed energy to flow out through my heart.  This is a new thing for me, which is a little scary, but which I recognize as important and good.

Thursday, August 24, 2017


Not sure the world has a whole lot of fucks to give as to how I'm doing, but I'm doing well.  That weird energy with the eclipse squeezed me and squeezed me, and I held on, like I have for countless hours over most of my life, and now I"m feeling pretty good.  The Neurofeedback is really starting to have an effect. I am starting to be able to more effectively utilize calming strategies I have long known about, but somehow not integrated in my daily life.  Work has slowed down, and I've dealt with the issues I had.

I am not feeling like philosophizing.  I feel the emptiness of talk far more than I have before.  God knows I will never shut up, but for now I am just trying to be present to my work and the people I encounter.

Politics, what can I say?  Trump continues to be attacked on all sides.  ANYBODY but him would have folded by now, and many continue to hope he will.  But why would he?  I think he LIKES good fights, and this is a GREAT fight.  You risk big, you win big.  That's how he's always played.

The dreams of true, deep change might be fading a bit as he gets corralled by everyone, but here is the thing: he continues to appoint judges, continues to reduce regulations, he pulled us out of Paris, continues to work to improve trade deals, is taking North Korea seriously, and basically will continue to kick ass in all sorts of ways that will never be reported or seen in this country, but which matter.

Nothing will change my views on Trump, in all likelihood, short of him starting to act like a pussy.  He has done his level best to keep all his promises, but the fucking Congress refuses to cooperate, and with all the leaks he has had, it has been hard to conduct coherent policy of any sort.

We got three more years folks.  Sooner or later, he will get the range and start firing for effect.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Antifa is nothing. Stay calm

I read 92% of these Antifa children live with their parents.  I don't know how anyone would know, but based on actual surveys of the usual suspects in these sorts of things, that sounds about right.  Everyone else has a job.

The deal is that they want to create a reaction which promotes recruiting.  It seems that virtually all of Charlottesville was false flag, but they still got a national reaction.

They only gain strength, though, when opposed violently.  That is why they had to engineer a violent confrontation, so they could claim innocence, even though they showed up in masks with baseball bats and 2x4's.

Here is the truth: ordinary Americans occupy the moral high ground.  This consists in moderates of both sides, but since they are not attacking people with D behind their names, it means in practice political conservatives and anyone who calls themselves a Republican (obviously, there is some overlap, but distressingly enough, not as much as there should be).

Non-violent resistance is the OBVIOUS answer to all this.  Yes, of course MLK Jr. had the media, and we don't.  But every time we feed the fire, it gets worse.

Trump remains President.  He has been attacked viciously and often all his life.  I'm not sure he likes it, but he certainly does not shy away from it.  Even though Congress is acting in a morally cowardly way, we do still have both parts of Congress, and absolute majorities in over half the States in America.

This is no time to panic.  This is no time to let anyone dictate the game to us.

It annoys me that they attack these monuments, but the fact of the matter is that they don't matter to most of us one way or the other.  Most of us have never met anyone who had anything directly to do with that war, because it would have been a grandfathers grandfather.

We can't let them get our goat.  Yes, violence is an easy answer, but it is an easy wrong answer.

The simple reality is that these are cowardly losers being funded by psychopaths, who want nothing more than to foment conflict they can exploit for political gain.  This is a harder game we are being asked to play, but fuck, we are not the whiny losers.  We are the winners.  And we are winning.  Let's stay on track.

Edit: I am presently suffering compassion fatigue.  I think it was the nails one of them put on their 2x4 in the Boston protests, or perhaps a group of them accusing a veteran of being "Nazi scum".

Time is on our side.  The optics on all this are horrible, and cannot but play to Trump's strengths.  It doesn't matter, OBVIOUSLY, what the media says, and it does not matter what the polling says.  All we have to do is stay in the game to keep racking up points they can't match.

Human Connection

In this lecture he references a study of rats and addiction.  Gabor Mate--who seems to have written the best books on addiction also references this study.

In the study, a solitary rat, given an option of water, and water with cocaine, will choose the latter until it dies.  From this, it was assumed that something in cocaine was inherently addictive.

But rats in fun places, surrounded by other rats, rarely or never get addicted.  They are enjoying themselves too much.

Here is the interesting question: how is it that people feel so alone, when surrounded by people and opportunities, that they act like the solitary rat?  Can we not posit that even people who shoot heroin in groups still feel alone?


Self abuse

I feel this morning that substance abuse in any form--and more broadly that compulsivity we call "addiction"--is really self abuse.  It is a form of cutting, of denying, of saying no to something.

And what are we saying no to?  Positive feelings.  You might feel, when you are drunk, or high, or fucking another stranger, that life is good, that everything is wonderful.  But you also know that you will come down.  And you know the darkness that awaits you, the helplessness that awaits you.  You know the weight of the world.

And so why would any sane person not want to go back up again as soon as possible?  What sane person would want to live in the dark cage of their life, when there is another possibility?  Is it not the case that there is no need at all to explain this behavior, that it is utterly rational and predictable, for people with certain sorts of wounds?

And I feel the critical pivot point is trust.  We need other people, but some of us find it difficult or impossible to trust life and to trust other people.  We have been betrayed too often, too early, and felt too much pain.  So we create half of what we really want, but create it in a way we control.

What we suppress is a natural sense of open wonder, of spontaneous affection, of joy.  All of these things, we have learned, can be sucked up, used, and spit out by others.  So our addiction is really in important respects a barrier against authentic happiness.

I am slowly awaking from a long dream--and dream, not nightmare, is the word, since my numbness kept much of it from being too unpleasant--and seeing possibilities I never guessed were there.

For my part, given the strangeness of our world, I feel little surprise that so many people escape through work or sex, or alcohol.  I feel no wonder that opiates are surging through our alienated world.  Why would they not, when we have lost the ability to speak, to share needed truths, to feel who we are, to connect with ourselves and everything around us?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Kieslowski's Decalogue

I have now managed to watch numbers 4-10, which are all that are available on NetFlix.  I will have to buy the rest.  I just want to say that I am a lifelong film buff, and no film or series of films has ever moved me more, or better probed deep human issues than this set of short films.

Because of his style and his spirituality, Tarkovsky will remain my favorite director.  But for dealing in nuanced, non-reductive and sympathetic ways with complex moral and emotional issues, for my money Kieslowski has no equal, and very few even come close.  He is--or was--one of the world's truly great film directors and writers, and it is a shame he is not better known.

I suspect a primary reason for this is that his films are work.  They are so emotionally evocative I find myself weeping at the end of nearly every one--7 in particular was very difficult, and of course the music doesn't help--and have to work myself up to watch them in the first place. This DVD has been sitting on my counter for two weeks.

This, however, is genius.  All of us need to do the adult work of understanding one another and ourselves, even though it is often painful when done properly.

Speaking politically

My sense that I am good at breaking down complex issues into simpler narratives, without reducing them in a manner harmful to truth and effectiveness, is I think well founded. I am intelligent. I am a good writer.  I am talented in some ways.

But what I am feeling right now is my essential inhumanity, my coldness, my distance.

These people marching in the streets--Antifa, BLM, et al--they are frightened.  What they need in their hearts is for someone they TRUST to quiet them, and tell them its all going to be OK.  You can calm down.  The future is not going to hurt you.  The world is not your enemy.

What they need is honest and heartfelt nurturing, of a sort I suspect most of them never got.  Most of us, any more, in this mechanical and passively hostile world never get what we really need.  Their parents were working.  Their culture values them mainly for their capacity to contribute economically, and goodness is close to being equated with wealth.  They were raised with computers with no souls.  They were raised without profound and soul-level music and poetry.  They were raised without communal dance and rejoicing.

We have no real festivals.  We rarely or never meet Life together and with good cheer and optimism.

The image I get is villages where, when you cannot sleep, you get up and go to the center--which is not far away--and meet others and listen to stories you have heard many times, which quiet the soul, and eventually inspire refreshing sleep, and a spirit of openness to life in the morning when the Sun comes up again, as it always does.

It is of course a truism to say that most of us are separated from nature, but it is even more obvious we are living in manners which separate us from one another.

I for one am continually drawing lines. I can tell you why psychologically, and cannot yet tell you how to stop, but this important reality needs to be acknowledged.  There are many like me.

This is a day, for me, for dreaming.  I will not share all my dreams here yet, although the broad outlines should be clear enough.  But I will say that I do feel a sense of destiny, that all my suffering has been for a purpose, that if God wills it, I may have a role to play in helping all of us out of our collective nightmares.

Judgement Day

Judgement Day is when the full truth is told and cannot be avoided.  It is when you feel fully what your actions have done in the world, what effect they have had on the lives of those around you.

True love arises from the feeling of Judgement Day, because it partakes inherently of the truth that we are all connected, and it can see, immediately and accurately, what is happening, how people are feeling, and what is needed.

Hell is feeling apart.  We can protect ourselves for a long time with intentionally foggy thinking, and particularly through the illusion of group membership bought with violence against another, but not forever. 

Today and tomorrow, particularly, feel what comes up in your heart.  Feel what the universe has been trying to tell you for so very long, with infinite patience, and infinite compassion.  No one is ever lost, but many wander far, far away from their homes.  Certainly, I have.  I continue to try and find my path back.

Saturday, August 19, 2017


The concept of universal human rights is an abstraction.  So too is "social justice", which can mean whatever the person using it wants it to mean.

Ponder how odd it is that we were able to build so much on one iteration of abstract thinking; and how that same style of thinking, with different content, is working so well to destroy everything good it touches.

Self evidently, the common theme is emotional detachment, and the differences are in the spirit of active and self reflective honesty, genuine good will, and attention to logical rigor, none of which matter in the slightest to most current academics.

The truth

I was feeling blue Wednesday for several reasons, and my therapist suggested a depression protocol for my neurofeedback session.  I really felt much better a few hours later.  I will continue to say that this process will over time replace substantially all psychiatric pharmaceuticals, and most traditional talk therapy.  Precisely because it works and because it is relatively inexpensive, I expect many special interests to work hard to get it more restricted, but the simple fact is that it is virtually impossible to do wrong, has pretty much zero side effects, and does what it is supposed to do.  Good news for humanity, bad news for greedy useless parasites.

Here is the truth, though: I truly think virtually everyone worked up about politics on all sides is depressed, but particularly the Left.  It is an old fact that many people express depression as irrational anger.

There is nothing wrong with opposing racism.  There is nothing wrong with wanting justice, defined in a reasonable way.  These are laudable, commendable goals.  I like most Americans hurt when I watched Roots.  I felt shame.  I hated the Nazis in any number of movies, and in books of history.  I could not understand the horrors of the Holocaust.  Most Americans are like me.  They want things to fair and just.  They want everyone to get their fair shot, and then some.  They want anyone and everyone, of any race and origin, who is willing to work hard, to succeed.  We have long been like this.

But the Left does not connect in any important way with Heartland America, with the values of most of the people who build and create in this country.  These people--Leftists--base their lives and actions on demonstrable lies.  They lie about our history.  They ignore much of the history of the world. Why?

Why, to take one of more examples than I can readily list, does no one ask why Mauritania only banned slavery during the George W. Bush era, just before Obama took office?  If slavery is a problem, carrying it into the 21st century as a legal institution should have been a problem too.

I really do think that in large measure they have nothing else.  Particularly atheists have nothing else.  There is no other ground to stand on, no other campaign to pursue, no other victory worth the winning.  It is anger or sadness, anger or a sense of uselessness and futility.  When they cannot find a cause, they create one, as with the monument controversy.

If they were happy, patient, and whole-heartedly dedicated to the long term good of all, they would be asking questions about, for example, how to get more charter schools in inner cities, how to attract good jobs to inner cities, and how to improve policing in all communities.

But they don't do that.

Sanctimony, Smoke and Wind

So you tell me you hate racism so much, and you feel violence is the answer.

What, pray tell, is a sane person to make of your habit of calling anyone who disagrees with you even slightly a "racist"?

Honest blame

It occurs to me that if one single person is most responsible for the death of that woman in Charlottesville, it would be the person--he, she, or it-/who was beating the bumper of the driver. That was a nice car, and he probably assumed the windows were next. He rammed forwards to get room, backed up rapidly and sped away.

I wonder if this person has shed any tears contemplating their direct role in the death of one of their own, or is the hate thick and impermeable enough that nothing is left of nuance, of personal accountability, and of the possibility of conscience?

Moralistic supply and the assault of the Squirrel Tamers

Psychologists speak of the need of Narcissists for attention, which some call "Narcissistic Supply".

I would suggest there is a similar need among the psychologically weak, lost, and rudderless for "Moralistic Supply".  They need to feel regularly and often, the sense that they matter, that their lives are not the utterly boring, utterly uncreative wastelands that they in fact are.

As I have noted for some time, the pun "Kos/Cause" at the Daily Kos cannot be accidental, even if that was his nickname--perhaps or even likely the one he gave himself.  Knowing nothing other than that he is the publisher of that site, it seems likely Moulitsas was not liked by many people, whatever he may say to the contrary notwithstanding.

To complete the thought, I am reminded of the Lion Tamer skit in Monty Python.

As Alex Jones and perhaps others have noted, there was a casting call that went out the day before the Charlottesville violence, for actors to play demonstrators.  The tacit assumption seems to be that they were to cast as Antifa, but why not toothless rednecks waving swastikas? (And he never said they were Jewish, by the way: this is more fake news).

I read too that the police were told to stand down, in what was a more or less open provocation to violence.

So, you have organizers only with effort--and one of the organizers is seemingly a falsely flagged Obama supporter and anti-white racist--get together perhaps up to 200 people willing to march behind white supremacists banners, in a nation of 350 million.  Antifa, so called, routinely gets much more than that.  Even when the Klan actually was marching on their own initiative, they were routinely outnumbered some 5 to 1 by protesters, and violence prevented by responsible, non-politicized policing.

But the Left NEEDS, in an apt metaphor, badness like junkies need their drugs.  They need it obviously to support their propaganda.  This is why so many leftists--and the number is high, something like 10-15 incidents at least which got national attention for a second--felt the need to fabricate hate crimes, so that their own hate would be, could be, justified.

But they were lying, as indeed they are now.  This is why they have transitioned from provoking and fabricating "hate crimes" to calling much of the public history of this nation itself a hate crime.

From the standpoint of provocation, this is much more potentially useful.  Many more people will react to the monuments of their history being destroyed by gangs of thugs and overly eager Democrat appeasers, than would ever commit to symbols of intolerance framed racially.  Thus, they get more white anger, which they can then use in tandem with their media relationships to paint all non-conforming whites as racist.

As with all military histories, though, many in the South are proud of their ancestors who fought and in many cases died for States Rights.  Yes, it is true the proximate issue was slavery, and yes it is true that fighting under the banner of freedom for the right to enslave other humans is hypocritical, but the core issue remains: what is the proper role and power of the Federal Government?  Can States leave?  Does the Federal government have the power, SHOULD it have the power, to tell any or all of us to violate our own moral conscience, under pain of being taken prisoner and held captive?

These are consequential, important questions.  And I will note again that they have never appeared in fully fleshed form before the Supreme Court.  Jefferson Davis was arrested, but never tried, because had he been acquitted, Secession would have been rendered permanently legal, and the invasion of the South by the North the war of imperialistic aggression the South always claimed it to have been.

All of the statues around the country were built to heal wounds, to rebuild a common polity by repatriating important heroes of a very violent, very difficult war.

And virtually all of them were built before 1930 or so.  They were not built in the living memory of virtually anyone, and as Charles Barkley notes he, like everyone else, had not spared a second in his lifetime to think about any of them, until this manufactured tempest in a teacup.  They don't affect his life, or the lives of substantially anyone else, black or white, in any way.

I for my part get, but don't get, the Republicans in particular who have criticized Trump's response.  He did nothing more or less than speak the truth.

In Charlottesville, you have an angry, agitated man surrounded by protesters, some of whom are hitting the back of  his car with sticks or bats.  He panics, hits the accelerator and rams the cars in front of him.  This man then becomes the embodiment of hundreds of millions of people--all non-Communists, if we take the rhetoric of the Left to its logical extent--who don't have one fucking thing in common with him.  These people--the Left--WANTED this outcome.  They provoked him.  They provoked everyone they could.  The Democrat Mayor and Democrat Governor both told all the available police and National Guardsmen to do nothing, to stand down.  This is what I read.

Then literally within a few short days, in Spain we have a car ramming into a crowd, with no provocation, with the sole intent of killing, and the Left really doesn't care.  That was not the act of a Muslim, even though the panicked driver is supposed to stand in for all conservatives.  

Leftism really is a creed of evil and mental illness.  It is to spreading Good what drinking saltwater is to slaking thirst.

Because no authentic good is ever done, the drugs must be administered continually, literally and figuratively, to keep the illusion alive.  That is what the media does, that is what stupid ideas do, that is what the continual evocation of anger does.  These people cannot ever be allowed to unwind, because they might then realize how batshit insane and destructive even to the people they claim to care about they really are.

Friday, August 18, 2017


Word just popped in my head.  I could riff on it, but you do it.  I may do it tomorrow too.


I have encountered demons in my sleep a number of times in recent days.  I haven't mentioned it.  I don't mention everything.

Imagine feeling fully awake but unable to open your eyes, and not even really wanting to open your eyes.  I may have opened my eyes, actually, in the dream.  I can't remember.  If I did, all I would have seen was a black mist.  A malignant spirit enters the room and gets right in your face.  It is a spirit of anger, of hurt, rage, and violence.  It tries repeatedly to enter you.  You can feel the surging energy striking you.

Well, I have learned to mock these things.  I have told them "do your best to kill me", and "fuck you", and I have even learned to laugh at them.  They don't like that at all.  I had a very odd conversation with one of them. I actually calmed it down a bit.

For my part I have always liked the metaphor of standing guard, or holding my place in the line.  I can't know what my destiny is. I can't know what will happen to me.  But I can say that I will do my part until the end.

These are interesting times.  All this hate in the air is exhausting, and I wonder if even the originators of it will tire of it at some point.  The seeming actual appearance of genuine racism was a shot in the arm for them, but not all of them can really be as stupid as they seem.  It has to be a fringe which needs continual reinforcement.

For me, I think these dreams are good.  These feel like actual spirit entities, but they could as well be manifestations of some complex, or some latent psychosis I have cast from my psyche which "wants" back in.  Whatever they are, they are outside now--they may have been a part of my everyday life for a long time--and cannot get in.  They are the spirit of fear, and I do not fear them very much, and soon will not fear them at all.

Thursday, August 17, 2017

I feel better

I was a bit wobbly this morning, but I feel better tonight.  If you did pray for me, thank you.

All the hate in the air is hurting me, I think.  Rather, as I become more aware, it affects me more.

It is surreal, is it not, that most of the hate in this country is being practiced by the very people who claim they oppose hate?

I can't help but think of the other hypocrisy of the religious right of the 1980's, who preached love and did arrogate to themselves the right to label other humans inferior and defective.

In some respects, in some outer morphological respects, the Communist Left (Communist being in their use merely a more honest word for "anti-fascist") does resemble the so-called Moral Majority, but of course they are much, much worse.

They want to be able to tell all of us how to live our lives.  They want into our bedrooms.  They want into our board rooms.  They want to hear everything we say and know everything we do, lest any of us commit thought crimes of any sort.  They are utterly humorless, utterly remorseless, and continually angry.

It is not a pretty picture.

I can't help but think, though, that even though they no doubt convinced many of the usual suspects that Charlottesville was a sign of the connection between white people, Trump, and violence, that most Americans were readily able to see it as a concocted event, their outrage as something much closer to gleeful joy, and their overarching aims something dark, sinister, awful, and terrible.

By their fruits shall you know them.  The fruits of the Left are death, pain, murder, hunger, torture, mass imprisonment, and soul searing horror.

Pray for me

I am slowly remembering that I was once someone else.  I am not angry, nervous, or mean by nature.  These are all reactions to things done to me.  This is as good a time as any to try and remember, and if you believe in it, and are open to it, please pray for me, as I try to find my way back home.

To be clear, I am doing increasingly well, but it is a difficult process, coming out of a deep freeze.  I am realizing, particularly, how mean I have often been.  I won't be changing any of my political views, but I might get to a place where anger and hatred do not motivate me, and where I am capable of recognizing genuine opportunities for teaching--and in some cases learning--and remaining silent where all I am doing is making the world a more unpleasant place, which I have done often enough.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Snap, Crackle Pop

I just suddenly got tired of dealing with anger and hate.  Since agitation drives much of what I post, I may post less.  I'm usually lying when I say that, but there has been a large phase shift in me.

Again, it may be this lunar eclipse.  It is a good time to clear out violent, warlike energy, which I have had in spades all my life.  It makes it hard to think clearly.  It is true I can think clearly on some topics, but not on myself, not on who I am, not on how people see me, and what opportunities for connection and happiness I am missing.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


I cannot resist the idea that the "white supremacists" in Charlottesville were brought there by agents provocateurs.

I read one of the leaders may have been an Obama fan until Trump's election:

True or not, I think the list of leaders needs to be gone through carefully, because I have a strong feeling that this was a concocted event, one intended to create exactly the sort of reaction it has enabled.


It hit me this morning that the core spirit of Buddhism is that there is no one, and no thing, to which you can reliably cling.  There is no one you can absolutely trust to save you, not even the Buddha.  There is no thing which will permanently make you feel better.

On some level, enlightenment is a very basic, primitive process, that of self calming.  Self calming is something all babies ideally learn to do, but which most I suspect never quite manage.  They need a mother.

But when we speak of inner peace, is this not what we are talking about?  Not getting upset by everything, and finding the courage to let go when we do?

I have had some griefs in recent days, and some mild betrayals.  I don't like to speak of my outer life, and I won't here, but I will say that I have been let down many, many times, in many, many ways, by many, many people.  For my part, I try to be loyal and true, but most people are much too preoccupied with their own worries to really register the lives of those around them.

As I ponder this, though, I feel that the logical response is not withdrawal and misanthropy, which are and long have been very natural to me.

What I feel is that with a mature spirit, you can be open to the gifts that God grants, without needing them.  This makes the good a delight, and the bad merely expected.  It is just life.

And I feel how ridiculous it would be to be mad at an apple tree which fails to bear fruit continually year round.  Apple trees are very generous with their fruit, but only at the proper time.  People are like this.  Practices are like this.  Ideas are even like this: understanding takes time to ripen and mature.

My life is not easy.  It is lonely, and I am beset daily with large confusions and strong emotions.

But something is ripening within me, something I chose, something good, and something large.

Sunday, August 13, 2017

A new Inquisition

The energy of the Inquisition is in the air.  Maniacs are trying to make all normal people afraid, afraid of being called out, afraid of being called before a panel of Inquisitors, and not being found guilty, but rather being forced to prove their innocence, when no one present is willing to listen to, much less believe, anything they say.

That this is antithetical to everything good in the world--and certainly what we in the West have worked so hard to build--should not need to be said.

This is insanity.  I would ask "how has it come to this", but of course it has been a long time coming, and the beginning, as I have commented numerous times, was when the distinction between truth and lie, between justice and injustice, was lost at the level of principle.

I have cited this scene a number of times, but now I have found it:

Judgment at Nuremburg.  The relevant part starts about 1:40.

I will leave the obvious conclusion to you. 

The Left versus the decent majority

I really think the Left would love nothing more than to see the rise of an actual racist movement among whites, one which would not have existed without their continual physical, emotional, and rhetorical attacks, so that they can USE that movement--which hitherto they have simply invented, because it was not a substantive reality--to distract people from real issues, like employment, the national debt, the subversion of the rule of law by power elites, the erosion of our Constitution, and American security and stability.

They want to use even a smidgeon of a hint of a whiff of such a movement to claim that ALL Americans are racist and all whites should kneel in shame.

There is no end to the demonic energy of these horrific human beings.  It is tiring. I am surprised genuine Liberals--Trumps electoral base--have withstood their continual violence of all sorts so well so long without striking out.

We are, though, the people who make, deliver, and provide things.  We are the sane ones, the ones with jobs, the ones able to resist ludicrous indoctrination in the worst possible anti-Humanistic ideas and assaults on common decency.

We can endure this, too.  Trump is President.  The people have spoken.  And we will speak again in 2018, to punish Republican liars and traitors, who promised over and over and over to act like Republicans if they won office, and who have failed, and continue to fail, miserably.

No decent human being should ever be forced to deny supporting lunatics.  This is the "have you stopped beating your wife yet" tactic.  It is a horrible, evil strategy, one pursued by monomaniacal power mongers.

Crime and rehabilitation

It hit me this morning that all people in prison for any offense whatsoever should be given access to Neurofeedback sessions.  It would calm them, and help make their imprisonment less traumatic, but more importantly, make them VASTLY less likely to commit the same crimes.

Many, many crimes are in effect the result of a superabundance of emotional pain.  This pain makes it hard to work, hard to think, hard to breathe.  It makes people seek out all forms of relief, in terms of drug and alcohol, but also in terms of violence, which can create moments of release from continual tension.

Armed robbery, rape, assault, car theft (especially by kids), drug use and sale: the list is long of crimes which originate in poor emotional health, itself characterized by chronic tension which that person can find no internal resources to calm.

It is a very worthwhile idea, designing a better society, but no design can proceed from any basis but the generalized individual psychological health of the populace.  "Equality" will do nothing.  It provides no sense of purpose in life, except for the lunatics who have made coercing the rest of us into it--as they define it--their own sole purpose in life.

All useful solutions proceed from the bottom up, from individual people feeling better and doing better.  If we are going to spend $60,000/year or whatever it is keeping people locked up, why not try something which in my view would have a good chance of actually rehabilitating--or, to use the Orwellian word one sees everywhere--"correcting" them.

And the same applies economically as well: a robust, rich economy depends on countless small entrepreneurs, and everyone who puts large numbers of barriers in their way necessarily chooses poverty for those who are not already well to do.

It is likely not overstating the case politically that the Left works intentionally to create and sustain problems in their base, because if the solutions were found, their rhetoric would be shown as empty, and their contributions as negative.  You cannot have a massive and increasingly prosperous middle class--including all ethnic groups--and continue to use the propagandistic weapon of class warfare rhetoric.

When one looks at the social history of the Left, there have been long periods of time where their de facto motto was "FUCK the middle class."

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Giving your life away

I am really feeling that all of us are given a space, a room, to call our own when we are born.  But many of us are driven from it.  It--our core self, our core connection to space and time through our self--becomes unsafe and we become refugees from our natural born homes.  In my own thought, this home is our Kum, our space.  We are who and also where we are, although location per se is beyond the point.

And what I further feel is that when I harbor anger, viciousness, and vindictiveness, I am giving my own life away.  It is evaporating while I am not paying attention.  It is steam rising, carrying away all the good that could have happened.

It is perhaps the case--indeed, I believe it IS the case--that a life spent getting up every day, enjoying it as much as possible, and still never knowing what it is about, or what exactly I am supposed to be doing, so that I guess every day, is STILL a good life.  This is OK.  If life does not come with an instruction manual, it is perhaps because we are born knowing the basics, and that the rest doesn't really matter that much.

It is so easy to fall prey to passions and manias which make everything feel important, when in reality what matters most is subtle, and only found in silence and peace. It is only found, or largely found, in dullness, or what seems like it.

As I'm sure I've mentioned somewhere, I did martial arts of various sorts, one for a good long while, perhaps 7 years, and every practice would begin with the mantra "Every moment contains the potential of Great Enlightenment".

So, I am not saying wisdom is not to be found everywhere, but when we give away our life, we push it away.

I am trying very hard to grow beyond some very significant psychological limitations, and I think making some progress.  This last week has been unbelievably unlucky and odd in some ways.  I literally looked up an astrologer to see if anything unusual was going on, and apparently this lunar eclipse is quite significant in terms of processing latent, unconscious Shadow energy.

I don't know if I believe in all that, but when I had a reading done, it was quite accurate, and very different than what I feel someone could get from cold reading, or guessing generically.  In my own case, my Moon is very important.  It has jumped out at every astrologer who has looked at it.  They look at me funny for a second.  I'm the guy that runs into the burning buildings.  My first encounter with the name Leonidas, many years ago, was in reading about my moon.  And I do like to think I was one of the 300.  Any of them.  They fought the same, and they died the same.  That is a good death.

I may die a good death.  But I may die like the wasp I watched all day today, on the same job site.  It was plainly hurt and unable to fly.  It is possible I watched its last moments, as it crawled into a crack.  I was tempted at first to kill it--actually I tried to run it over with my cart, but missed.  After that, though, I watched it walk around the floor, periodically curl up into a ball in what appeared a spasm of some sort, then keep walking.  I kept an eye on him, and shared a part of my day with him.  He was my only company for much of it. I couldn't help but wonder what it felt like to be a dying wasp, and then what it will be like when it is my turn, whenever that is.

Actually, ponder for a moment how much death happens outside your window each night: the bugs, the worms, the birds, the mice.  Ponder how many fish are eaten by other fish every moment in our oceans.  This is life on planet Earth.  We are all the same in that regard.  We are all destined for dissolution.

I understand a little, I think, why some Indian ascetics inhabit cremation grounds, and why many gods have skulls around their necks.

That's enough wandering for now.  Good night!!!

Follow up

Honest science recognizes that many even apparently simple systems aren't, and that when many confounding factors are in play, in order to test any one specific hypothesis, you need to control for other variables.

With respect to Anthropogenic Global Warming, looking at upper Tropospheric temperatures is really the ONLY way to control for other variables.  Everything else, all warming and cooling, all weather events, all droughts and hurricanes--everything--falls within normal variability.  We know the Earth has been largely covered with ice, and we know it has been free of ice.  Everything in between is thus within normal variability, and EVERYONE INVOLVED KNOWS THIS.

Again, if one looks at nothing other than the methods chosen--unnecessarily unreliable temperature measurements, and treating climate models as established facts--an intelligent person should on this basis alone be able to conclude that the whole thing is fraudulent at its core.

Ignorance, 2017

When I was growing up, ignorance was not knowing State Capitals, or who the President was, or how to solve a quadratic equation.

It occurs to me, though, that the Left--and its many fellow travelers on the right, giving a more contemporary twist on the idea of pinko (we can't go to Purplite, can we? That would be awful)--has managed to define ignorance as disagreement with the dominant themes they are pushing. To think XY means we are dealing with a boy becomes, not stating the obviously scientifically true, but rather ignorance of the idea that gender is constructed.

To question global warming is to betray, not a skeptical, authentically scientific mindset, but ignorance. This, "knowledge" comes to equal conformity, and what used to pass for knowledge--that quaint artifact of hated whiteness called "science"--is equated not just with ignorance, but bigotry.

The whole thing is wholesale lunacy. It is a bag of cats.

How Global Warming should have worked

As I have stated on several occasions, the basic hypothesis of Anthropogenic Global Warming is fairly simple: the burning of fossil fuels, and following release of CO2 into the atmosphere, is likely to cause a quick and environmentally important increase of CO2 concentrations in the upper Troposphere.  It is generally conceded that CO2 plays little role at lower altitudes, where water vapor is the primary "retainer of heat energy", but it is also known that at higher altitudes it is the MAIN retainer of heat energy.

This concentration will lead in rapid order to vast increases in the temperatures in the upper Troposphere, which in turn will radiate downwards to the lower Troposphere, and ground level, causing widespread and rapid warming, which in turn will cause catastrophic weather events, rapid increases in ocean level. and possibly temperatures so high that human life will be difficult if not impossible.

It is a compelling story.  But if you look at the history of the thing, it consists nearly entirely in stories about what WILL happen if we don't act.  2007, I think it was, was going to be the worst hurricane year ever.  This was convenient, since it happened right after Katrina, which many--with absolutely no scientific basis--blamed on Global Warming.  Needless to say, they were wrong.

In the late 1990's, and as late as 2009--in the case of that relentless opportunist Albert Gore, Jr.--we were treated to the spectacle of an end to our current interglacial period, since all the ice on both poles was going to melt, and the Ice Ages would come to an abrupt and final end.  This, too, was wrong.

What SHOULD have happened, if actual science were involved, is that an on-going and well publicized watch should have been kept on the upper Troposphere, to see if there were any signs of rapid warming.  As I have said, the air up there is much thinner, so a LOT of warming is needed there, to have any effect on the much thicker air below.  An adjunct to this might have been watching the stratosphere, since rapid cooling is also part of the hypothesis, the idea being that if more heat is trapped lower down, the upper reaches of our atmosphere ought to cool rapidly as well.

I cannot emphasize enough that this whole thing really is a scientifically formatted hypothesis, one which makes clear predictions, which are reliably testable through reliable observations.

And this hypothesis has been falsified.  It is wrong.  There is indeed some warming in the upper Troposphere, and some cooling in the Stratosphere, but not nearly enough.

Irrespective of the "he said, she said" of the methods of the land based temperature gathering, THIS DATA SHOULD NOT BE GATHERED AT ALL.  We know that the Earth heats up and cools down for a variety of reasons, some of which we clearly don't understand.  That the people at the center of this fraud continue to use very questionable methods--ones fully unrelated and superfluous to the core hypothesis--should tell us all we need to know: they are trying to create an outcome which is unsupported in the place--the upper Troposphere--which really matters.

I am gratified to see Trump pull us out of the Paris Treaty, but I continue to wonder how the rest of the world is so fucking stupid.

Psychologically, many factors are likely at play.  I see often, for example, the claim that "even if they are wrong, humans are still destroying the Earth".  This may be true, but this claim needs to be debated on its own merits.  And in what respect should any sane person be willing to trust their freedom and well-being to a group of people who have already demonstrated a willingness to use the Big Lie to get what they want?

More commonly and likely, I think many people have an emotional commitment to this idea.  They see global peace and unity and goodwill coming from our shared efforts to combat a global threat.  On some level, they overcomplicate everything, to hide the failure of the idea.

I don't doubt there are many honest people involved in this, even if they are deluded.

But We the People need to start insisting that these assholes, who suck up so much money from the global economy, stop, shut up, and go home.

Yes, by all means keep an eye on atmospheric temperatures, but the gig is up.

Did you know 25% of all human CO2 production has happened since 2000, in an era, where the only net warming is happening in cooked land-based temperature models?  The poles are doing fine.

This idea needs to die.

Friday, August 11, 2017


I was pondering some things from my childhood I won't go into here, and the acronym FIST came to me.  It is SIFT rearranged. Yes, there was anger, but that was not the interesting part of it.

I felt something, and went into it.  Then an image appeared, which was followed by sensations, then the thought "oh, so that is what happened."

As it is usually used, most psychological introspection ends in a thought, because in psychotherapy, particularly, you need to be able to speak what you find, but this is equally true for diaries.

What I have found for myself is that sometimes I will feel a process going.  I don't know what it relates to, where it is coming from, or where it is going.  Its entirety consists in "that".  Quite often, I will just let these things play out, hoping that whatever was going on, will be beneficial in the end.  I think this is a good strategy.

True, pure attention is wordless.  Experience is wordless.  We lessen ourselves, I feel, when we feel a compulsive need to communicate even with ourselves in diaries.


One of the ways of dealing with the animal anxieties of life is to simply pretend that one is a recipient, that one plays no active role in what happens, and that certain things are just destiny.  It liberates one from worrying, at least potentially, because worry is an active effort to plan and sculpt the future.  If the future is "written" (Maktub), as many Muslims believe, then there is no point in worry, because there is no point in planning, because things are beyond ones control.

This is in some respects an attractive option.  When I was posting on the squirrel and the beetle, this is roughly what was in my mind.  What will be, will be.  I actually saw a bird yesterday in a job site, which had flown in, and was frantically trying to find an open window.  But the only open windows were on the ground floor, and it kept flying up.  It is likely dead now, unless it was able to detect moving air current from the outside.

And I watched Dunkirk tonight, and thought the same thing.  If you read about the stages of what I will call combat fatigue, in nearly everyone there is a growing apathy and lassitude over time.  The prospect of death loses much of its terror, and most wind up repeating what is likely a very old theme: "when it's your time, it's your time."

Where am I going with this?  Well, somewhere political.  It's what I do, much too much.

If the creed of true Liberalism is "character is destiny", then the creed of its retarded substitute is "birth is destiny".  If you are born white, you cannot redeem yourself, ever, fully.

And think even of Marxist ideas about historical necessity, about the machine-like and automatic, unavoidable "progressions" (which constitute progress because they tell us they constitute progress, even if misery and enslavement is all anyone else can see) of "History".

What do they do?  They eliminate the need for individual judgement, for individual moral initiative, for worry related to getting things right, rather than very, very wrong.

Such fatalisms serve the role of traditional religions.  They render the individual irrelevant, moot, and ultimately helpless.  This is why people cling so fervently to these horrific ideologies, because losing them would mean losing their primary means of self calming, and unleash absolutely unbearable--for them--anxiety and sadness.

True moral and psychological growth consists, I am persuaded at the moment, both in a decrease in self importance, such that the vagaries of the universe do not come to seem personal, and such that one does not expect to get through life without worry, toil, sadness, grief, loneliness and genuine trouble, but also an increase both in perception and in response-ability, such that one can see better what can be controlled, and what cannot, and make active preparations for the former, and to let go the latter.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The spiritual question

How does one wed authentic passion with daily focussed discipline?

Congress and North Korea

To my mind, striking North Korea has to be authorized by Congress. Such a war could unleash a Pandora's box of disasters, and so requires the assent by both law and common sense of a sizeable chunk of our elected leaders.

At the same time, the more warning we give Kim, the worse it gets. This is obvious.

I have proposed before and will propose again that Trump get the verbal assent of enough leaders to pass muster, plus perhaps a few more in case. A highly secure app can be assigned to each of these people, and if and when he decides it's time he can broadcast a go/no go to substitute for the substance of an actual vote. Self evidently, not every member of Congress need be consulted. Many of them would betray us and the interests of civilization instantly and with considerable self satisfaction.

The problem with sanctions, which are really the only means of diplomacy, short of China kicking Kim in the balls and telling to straighten up and fly right, is that they only cause suffering and pain for ordinary people. They don't affect Kim. They don't affect most of the military or Party leaders. They never worked on Cuba. Given sufficient ruthlessness and amorality, no amount of pain and suffering can have the least effect.

Conversely, the only military way to limit damages to South Korea, Japan, and here, is to dictate the rules of the engagement as fully as possible by choosing the times and places.

I don't want war with North Korea. It will be horrible. But I also don't want to have nuclear weapon we could have prevented detonating anywhere in this country.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Firing Mueller

I keep reading that firing Mueller will provoke a "crisis".

I would ask a simple question: what the guck are we in now?? Half of Trumps staff is actively sabotaging him, including, apparently, McMaster.  News agencies are calling for his impeachment for anything (charges? We dont need no stinking charges). His ability to govern is severely compromised.

And if folks want to call it a "Constitutional" crisis if he fires Mueller, I would ask how? Why? Where does the illegally appointed, seemingly partisan Independent Prosecutor (Special, whatever it is) show up in the Constitution? Where does the right of bureaucrats to shit on the expressed will of the people show up?

Put practically, how much worse can it get than daily calls for Trumps assassination and impeachment?

Some Gordian Knots are best dealt with quickly and decisively and unapologetically.

Letting go of anger

I am slowly releasing my anger, and it hit me this morning that what I will miss is the feeling of power that it gave me.  It is a constant energy surge, even if it is one which is also exhausting.  It feels like it creates a barrier between me and those who would hurt me.

But I also feel that it is not a foundation for a life.  It is living in the clouds, in an undifferentiated and constantly moving space where you can never feel at home.  There is no texture, no interesting color, merely a relentless monotony.

And I felt that a stable personality must be built brick by brick, patiently, as a workman.  You can build a home, a place to feel safe, a place to live and feel comfort, but not through what destroys it.

I think the image of Jesus as a carpenter is apposite here, since what he preached was building a structure, a skeleton, upon which could be placed a roof, and beneath and within which one could live.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017


I was doing Neurofeedback this morning and it hit me that hate is how we protect ourselves from love.  You hate people you are tempted to love, but who, for whatever reason, you have to push away.  It is a tool for self protection.

We cannot choose our passions.  We can merely redirect them.

The madman

Many years ago I had a dream where I was attacked by a madman, who escaped into this endless series of stairs, going in all directions, including up and down.  I got lost quickly.

I was thinking about this tonight. Often life is confusing, and it can feel like it is closing in on us, while simultaneously bewildering us.  Me.  I statement.

There were several elements in my meditation.  I am working downtown in the Big City, and had to park on the top floor of a parking garage.  When I arrived, a squirrel was there, somehow.  He looked hungry.  I wondered about his prospects, but figured garbage at least would keep him alive for a while.

When I left, there was a fat beetle next to my car.  It looked near dead.  I figured it perhaps got caught in an updraft, then lost the ability to fly through hunger.  It is likely dead by now.

I will offer one other element.  My tendency towards Buddhist beliefs notwithstanding, I continue to choose to eat meat.  And it hit me one day that this is an ideal time and method for meditating on death.  I can ponder the life and last moments of the turkey, or the cow, or the chicken.  They did not want to die.  They felt fear.

And I do not want to die.  I feel fear.  But I think we have to practice dying to really focus on living.

And then I thought about this obsessive quality people get when they meditate too much on death, and on the need to "live".  They have to climb every mountain, consume every experience.  This confuses me.  You can't do everything, and it all ends in death anyway.  The most clever fellow, the most adventurous, lucky, intrepid man or woman who ever lived, is dead or one day will be.

All of us to some extent are like the beetle, or the squirrel.  We make decisions, and sometimes they are the wrong ones.  It may be that I make a mistake some day that kills me.  This is not what I want, but much of life is beyond our control.  We do our best, but sometimes we are still wrong.  Perhaps we are momentarily or temperamentally stupid.  Perhaps we are unlucky.

Do we go left, or do we go right?

So, returning to my dream, it hit me tonight that EXPANSION is always the correct direction.  The madness and the constriction and the confusion are all of a piece.

This is a fundamental Kum Nye tenet, that when our energy is flowing properly, an innate wisdom and an innate pleasure in life emerge spontaneously.  They are our natural gifts, but we have forgotten them.

So I think I don't want to climb every mountain. I  don't want to consume life.  I want to learn how to watch trees swaying in the wind with greater and greater pleasure.  I want to be more and more fascinated by the quality of light in the day, and the moon at night.

I am that squirrel.  I am that beetle.  I am the meat I ate today.  They lived for a time, and then they died.

This is really the balancing act of life: remembering impermanence, but relishing every moment.

And I'm going to make another point I had intended for another post. I  just worked a really long day, but a flood of ideas just hit me that I'm going to post while I wait for the wine and melatonin to take effect.

Every time you hit an emotion you can't process, you separate.  I feel this.  I am slowly reversing the process, by reinhabiting the emotional places I was driven from so many years ago.  It literally just hit me today some of the ways I am EXACTLY like my father.  It is so obvious, now.  I feel it.

And to take that specific case, I find I have a penchant for cruelty.  I really feel this.  This is what I am feeding when I go out and find people to argue with.  It's a step up from barfighting, or finding a masochistic woman to abuse, but this is the reason I can understand Sade (up to a point, I think).

Yesterday, I was feeling tired and frustrated for several reasons, so I went to an old go-to: I got in a Global Warming "debate" with someone I knew had no ability, much less interest, in listening to what I had to say.

Now, my ideas in my view are solid, but this need to argue is directly related to a primary means by which I deflect negative emotions which would otherwise bedevil me.

Specifically, I BECOME SOMEONE ELSE when I go into arguing mode, one not connected spontaneously and on an on-going basis with my emotional energy.  I separate into two.

And I feel this happens to all of us on many levels.  The process of self deception is so well developed in all of us that we fail to see it.

I was watching this woman walk along a long, busy road this morning, who was nowhere near anything.  She wasn't going to a bus station, so she must have been walking to work, or somewhere.   She had a bag.

Now, I have been, roughly, this person.  And what do you do?  You rationalize the situation.  You say "It isn't so bad".  You say you like walking.  It's a nice morning.  Etc.

What you do is you become someone other than the psychologically normal person who would object to this situation.  This is what women (and let's be honest, no small number of men) who are in bad relationships do.  This is what all people who are confused do.

So, returning to Buddhism as I tend to do, when the Buddha says "No Self", what he likely meant was "Who you really are, you have never met."  and "who you think you are, is the result of a long series of lies you had to tell yourself at one time."

How many of us can honestly say we can stay deeply connected to our inner world on an on-going basis?  We react habitually and call it honest.  We find an emotion of some sort, and call it profound.  But what is behind all this?  What is left when nothing we know is left?  Who is in the Void with you, and who are you in the Void?

I don't know why, but this last question made me laugh.  I don't understand myself, but I am sure as hell trying.  If living well is expanding, and the key to expanding is self knowledge, then I am doing my best to live well.

Getting Even

It occurs to me that the creed of Egalitarianism is literally and figuratively that of "getting even".

It is a creed of revenge, based on putative wrongs.  It exists as a system to manufacture those wrongs out of the fertile nature of human life, in which no two people are ever born alike.

Self evidently, all one needs to manufacture anger, rage, and following self righteousness, is to stipulate that the world should be other than it is, and to demand that it meet your expectations immediately and fully.  It is a sure fire and short route to the FEELING of empowerment, and moral superiority, and an a priori rationalization of any crimes one is anticipating committing.

To commit evil directly, all one need do is fault God for his creation, and then abolish Him through atheism, as Sade did. Alternatively, one can simply assert that God is the Devil, and the Devil represents the work of this world.

All of this is related.

And in my own life, I feel this energy.  I have been objectively wronged this week by several people.  But it is a measure of my progress that I am getting better and better at just letting things drop. Yes, sometimes we all need to fight.  Yes, sometimes we all need to express rage and anger.

But none of this is healthy long term.  It is a coffin, a prison, a darkening.

Saturday, August 5, 2017


What would it take, for any of us, to make of disciplined work an expression of joy?

I am trying very hard now to understand time, and how I am supposed to relate to it.  I may have more to say (the bet that I will have more to say is always a good bet), but who knows.  I will leave that question there.


If Trump has to be treated to reading the contents of private telephone calls made from the Oval Office in a local newspaper, how on Earth can he deal with things like North Korea, where secrecy might literally make the difference between success and failure, between the death of millions, and peace?

I literally, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, do not get the arrogance and moral detachment necessary to be someone like Jeff Bezos.  I don't know what he endured in childhood, I don't know if he was an only, a lonely, or an adopted child, but he is sick in the head, and he has a lot of company.

I dream of better human beings.  He dreams of better machines.  That is the difference.  Any improvement that comes from the outside, is no improvement at all.  It is an intrusion.

And as I ponder this, there really is a functional analogy between using machines to "improve" human consciousness, and using government to "improve" human society.  Both are extrinsic to basic consciousness, and both must be understood in terms of force.  Life does not own the death of a machine. The death of the machine owns life.  I see no other possibility.

Put another way, spiritualists point out the obvious fact that our bodies are in some respects machines, but they are machines within which consciousness manifests.  Improving the machine does nothing to improve the quality of the perceptions that matter.  It does not matter how fast you can solve a differential equation, spiritually.  What matters is your capacity to love and to expand.  There is nothing any of these tech midgets are producing which will enable us to do that directly.

As I have said, I am not a technophobe, but to the extent I embrace things like Neurofeedback, it is because we are collectively batshit insane, and this is a needed tool in helping to reconstitute basic humanity, which is increasingly rare.

FBI, another story

If Elliot Ness was untouchable, James Comey seems to have needed regular caresses.

Fuck these people.  Fuck these self important, self righteous, morally hideous assholes.


His "reputation"--and keep in mind, the vast bulk of America's 350 million people--or whatever it is--have no personal knowledge of the man at all, so this is quite possibly itself manufactured for public consumption--notwithstanding--Robert Mueller's willingness to take on a case intimately connected to the firing of a good friend, when the Attorney General himself recused himself on much flimsier and less weighty grounds, indicates he is not a stand up guy.  This applies even in the highly unlikely event that he is doing substantive things, like verify that Seth Rich really was the leaker, which the FBI, I read, has known since roughly May of last year.

In turn, James Comey, in addition to all the partisan bullshit he did (today's headline:  ) should have dropped the "Russian interference" investigation as soon as he knew that Russia did not hack John Podesta, as that is the only credible claim that was ever even made.  The rest was a series of scandalous allegations that would have fit for the Weekly World News, but not even the National Enquirer.  This, by the guys in well tailored suits, with tough faces, who inherited the work of deserving to be worthy of being thought of as Untouchable.

So, we really have to ask: how corrupt IS the FBI?  So I look up Robert Mueller, and lo and behold, he was sworn in on September 4, 2001, exactly one week before 9/11.

As I have pointed out often--I really don't think I need to use the word "argued", since there really can be no discussion among those familiar with the evidence, in my considered opinion--the September 11 attacks involved a much larger conspiracy than just the hijackers and Osama Bin Laden.  First and foremost, the FBI would have been responsible for discovering and revealing this.  They failed spectacularly.  To note perhaps the most spectacular failure, no test was ever done for explosive residue, despite the utterly unprecedented nature of ONE, much less THREE, skyscrapers falling at freefall velocity into their own footprint.

But there are many, many examples of near certain cover-ups, as I have pointed out from time to time.

For example, the explosion of Flight 800 over Long Island:

The death of JFK, Jr.  I can't take the time to find a good link, but there exists a good documentary out there which points out that the weather was not bad, and that numerous witnesses reported hearing an explosion, and seeing a fireball, and that, as with the Flight 800 explosion, the FBI quickly took control of the investigation, then pushed out some bullshit after a suitable amount of time.

The Oklahoma City bombing.  All the video footage disappeared.  Bomb damage experts claim that a surface explosion could not have caused that damage.  Here is a link to a former Air Force General Ben Partin:

I have posted on him from time to time.  As he notes, he knew within a couple hours somebody was lying.  His professional specialty was both measuring and predicting bomb damage.  That was his job in the Air Force, so literally no one could be better qualified to call bullshit than this guy.

And the FBI, in the course of the investigation, seems to have tortured a man to death.

This is a short list.  I need to get to work.

But we have to contemplate seriously the notion that this agency is TRULY corrupt.  That they are not just playing partisan politics, not just protecting political allies, but that they are complicit at high levels, and have been for at least 3 decades or so, in covering up political murders, and staged or accidental (which is a possibility in Oklahoma City) mass events which had major political consequences.

Trump needs to take this idea seriously.  He needs to develop a plan to investigate the FBI itself, what it knows, what it is covering up, how a culture of contempt for the law has been allowed to evolve and flourish, and most of all he needs to figure out how to root out the corruption.

What Trump has on his hands is massive.  If he were an average person, I would say it is overwhelming.  But he has shown time and again an agility, a tenacity, and a will to win which could quite possibly carry him to the important victories we need in protecting the American people--and the world, because as goes America, so goes the world--from our own government.

Ponder the immensity of the possibility that both the CIA and FBI have become de facto agents of the Globalists.  If Trump were not in office, I would despair, but I take hope both in the fact that he is, and that the American people, in sufficient numbers, were awake enough to put him there.  Both are good signs.