Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My history with alcohol

I don't like getting too personal--although of course I do by implication in my chosen topics and opinions often--but it seems appropriate, today, the day when even non-drinkers get drunk, to meditate in public on my drinking.

For some years, regardless of how I might define the term myself, I have been physiologically an alcoholic.  I have drunk enough on a daily basis that I got withdrawal symptoms if I skipped a day.  Not serious symptoms, not DT's, but enough that it always made more sense just to drink than to not drink.

For a long time I was the guy at the party who, given an open bar, would consistently overdo it.  Otherwise, I'd have a few beers every night, and maybe a bit of gin to wash it down.

As my tolerance and disposable income grew, so too did my consumption--mostly at home, but I was no stranger to a few bars.

At a certain point, I got Barry McDonough's "Panic Away" kit, which helps you deal with panic attacks.  I have only had one, at an extremely hard point in my life, but I believe in collecting tools, and this was one I wanted, since I did not want to be that helpless again.

The essence of his method--and by the way I recommend this to anyone who deals with anxiety on a regular basis; it is worth the money--is to accept the anxiety, and ask for more.  Rather than moving away from painful emotions, you move to them, you kill them with kindness.

I got to thinking: this has to apply to more than anxiety, and decided, when I drank, to direct my attention to my dark places, to the emotions I could not process sober, could not confront sober.  I figured if I was going to be drinking anyway, I may as well make it useful.

I did this for a year or two--I honestly don't remember--and made progress.  At a certain point, I realized I needed to do Kum Nye seriously, and figured signing up for the eKum Nye program would help, even though all the exercises it covers are already in the books.  I figured correctly, as it gave me a more formal structure for my practice.  In theory it was unnecessary; in practice it was.

It is an interesting fact that my two Kum Nye books are literally the only books I have carried with me since I was a teenager.  I bought them in a New Age shop in Rancho Bernardo, California, back in the 1980's.  I think I knew they were useful, but I always feared them. I feared them, since I knew that with emotional release a lot of really shitty emotions would come up.  They did every time I started the process.  It was like sticking my finger in a light socket.  I knew I needed to do it, but lacked the recovery skills to keep doing it often enough to get through it.  I was alone, because of my life history--which among other things involved getting yanked from every place I developed an attachment to throughout my childhood--and because my traumas isolated me, as indeed they do everyone who has suffered in particular ways.  It is a defining symptom of unprocessed trauma.

But my drinking therapy got me far enough that I was able to combine it with Kum Nye, and that has been the situation for the past six months or so.  About 4 weeks ago, I decided to quit drinking, and have reached a point where I go days without drinking.  It is always hard, because I have opened up many emotions, and they come to me, and I am unprotected.  But I am developing the ability to recover, and I can say that today I can feel a point coming where the role alcohol played--the important, beautiful, needed role--is no longer needed.  It propped me up, kept me from falling, but now I can stand on my own two feet.

This is a wonderful Christmas present, one that has taken a lifetime of work.

I will share a dream I had last night.  There was a drag racing track, with a very unusual feature: a right hand turn.  You had to make the turn, THEN accelerate with all the power those engines have.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Emotion and the Ocean

I was noodling around in a bookstore today, and came across a book I had read a review of some time ago, "Trip to Echo Spring", which deals with the intersection of creativity and alcoholism.  It is likely a book I should read, since alcohol has played an important role in my life for some time.  I can't say I have wrestled with alcohol: on the contrary, it has unquestionably been a net boon to me.  All the same, why I drink is to me a very interesting question.

This book seemingly has the metaphor of water throughout it--she visits the sites where several writers, like Virginian Woolf, drowned themselves, and she deals with a story "The Swimmer"--and I would submit that this metaphor has occurred in my own dreams.  I was once told more or less explicitly to stop drinking and start swimming.  I took this literally, and bought myself a suit and some goggles, but I don't like swimming.  It's funny, but it's true.  I likely will take it up before long, but I am for now dealing at its root with my own unfreedom, exploring it, understanding it, massaging it, to use the Kum Nye metaphor.

And I see now that the image is metaphorical.

Let us let water represent emotion, and the ocean deep, uncontrolled emotion, and the swimmer someone reconciling himself to emotion.

Can we not posit that many reject, in what we might term Ordinary State of Consciousness (OCS), the possibility of the ocean?  When I say emotion, I mean all emotions, good and bad: joy, love, hate, sadness, anger, attachment, obsession, sex, sex, sex, power, powerlessness, belonging, rejection.  Emotions have all the shades and varieties of clouds.  None are the same, even if we speak of types out of the necessities imposed by language.

And can we not posit that many writers, in unleashing their creative potential, always unleash at the same time unprocessed demons--which I have recently begun to believe are those cages we have internalized that seek to limit us?  Can we not say, perhaps, that they are driven to create by what they fear, and simultaneously liberated and enslaved by entering through intoxicants Non-Ordinary States of Consciousness?

Can we not see the ocean as potential, and grant the possibility of rejecting this potential in ordinary waking states?  Can we not say that people with serious, deep emotional issues are afflicted by dryness without alcohol, and an admixture of terror and joy which get expressed through creative synthesis when high in some form or other?

As I said a few posts ago, Charles Bukowski's tombstone apparently reads "Don't Try".  Can we not add: "Let it", where it is a spontaneous flow which emerges when allowed? He was an alcoholic from an early age (13, if memory serves).  He apparently tried early on, and failed.  Alcohol let him move without trying.  That is why he consumed so much of it.

It not the task then, liberating creative energy without lust, without fear, without panic, without compulsion?  Has not most of the creative energy of the last century within our dominant cultural sphere been traumatic and unhelpful, because mixed of both toxic and life-bearing elements?

I am thinking out loud here, but I think there are some thoughts here worth considering deeply.


Bit rambling, so be it.

Being me, mostly, I got to thinking "what if Heidegger had had a tool like Kum Nye, that he used consistently?"  It is, I think, a good question.  He thought a lot ABOUT Being--Dasein and the rest.  But when he bought his coffee in the morning, who was more emotionally present: him, or the person serving him?  Chances are overwhelming, are they not, that it was the person serving him, who perhaps because Heidegger thought "deep" thoughts considered him his superior?  In my own worldview--can I say Weltanschauung?--Heidegger of the two was vastly the inferior, since he had made an apparent virtue of actual existential retrogression.  It does not matter how deeply you THINK about being: if you are not there, then no one is.  You are operating an unclever machine, which spits out informationally flat 0's and 1's.

Or take Sartre: "L'etre et le rien".  He sat at a cafe, high on speed, and drank coffee and wine all day long, smoked furiously, and wrote 10-20 pages of something most of his adult life.  Was he there?  No: he was cruel, he was angry, and in my own moral cosmology this means inherently that no, he was not there.  He did not think he COULD be there, and one could perhaps look at his entire life's work as an extended rationalization of a failure necessitated by being stupid. Or, put more precisely, by being unwilling to allow his emotions to percolate, process, and "rationalize", both due to inherent lack of deep awareness, and due to lacking a METHOD.

I am superficial and ignorant enough to take the two as types, the first of Fascism, the second of Communism. In Heidegger's case, he had "feelings" for Nazism.  After his initial infatuation he lost his enthusiasm, but he in my understanding never resigned his membership, and never fully rejected the Nazi project.  How would he have conceived the Nazi project?  The formation of Home in conditions of existential confusion. (again: I am not well versed on this topic, and am perhaps projecting as much as analyzing, but I still think this basic project is useful).

Hitler, in my view, was a much better man than Stalin.  Objectively, Stalin killed more people--particularly once one factors in the Comintern and its role in mass death the world over, not least through leading agent Ho Chi Minh, and the mass deaths he facilitated throughout Indochina.  But more importantly, Hitler was capable of at least loving ideals.  I don't think anyone capable of such atrocities would be capable of loving actual people, but Hitler clearly operated from a wellspring of deep emotion, which is what made him such a powerful orator, and charismatic leader.  He truly loved his vision of the German people, and he truly wanted what was best for them, as he conceived it.  He wanted for them wealth and power, and security and stability.

Stalin had none of that.  He was a calculating machine, which loved no ideal, wanted no concrete outcome, had no attachment except to power for himself.  He recognized no truth outside of power, no reality outside of power.  He had no love for the Russians or any other nation.  He rejected his homeland of Georgia in rejecting his name.  He had no place, he wanted no place, he dreamed of no place for those he "led" through abuse.

I repeated a claim a few weeks ago that Camus was murdered.  I wonder if Stalinist Sartre knew of this, if in fact that is what happened?  He would not have cared, would he, since his whole life was rejected in the course of his arguments as to why and how he and no one else could exist, despite his furious and sadistic exhortations that that was the "essence" of life, to the extent it had one.

I am a Liberal.  Period.  To my mind, adding "classical" is to accept the lie that modern "liberals" are anything but people who do not exist, and so must grab power in the name of others to protect themselves through power from the lie at the core of their beings.

I reject, of course, Fascism.  I simply reject even more strenuously the creed that Obama and others seemingly still carry, which has no love, no life in it: nothing but lies and death, moral and physical.

Heart Gold Thread

I have been doing eKum Nye level 2.8 for some weeks, off and on.  This is the 18th, if my math is correct, module I was emailed after enrolling in the program.

This level includes a very simple exercise, called Heart Gold Thread, which seemingly has a very powerful ability to evoke latent emotions.  Now, the previous 18 or so lessons were a lead-up to this lesson, and it is my understanding it is best to open up other energies nexuses before doing this exercise (consult your physician, astrologer, priest, tarot cards, best friend, chance before trying: I'm half serious, because I can't claim at this point to know how any of this works), but I will describe it and my own experience.

You simply stand, feet about 6" apart, and slowly raise your arms, palms down, to slightly higher than shoulder level, and stand there for 10 minutes.  Working up to 25 minutes is a desirable goal.

Needless to say, I hope, your arms get tired and painful.  I have very strong shoulders, but I also have large arms, and 10 minutes, I would assume, is a lot for nearly anyone, at least until they build up.  It seems after a few minutes an impossible task.  I have to lower my arms even now a couple times.

Nothing happens for some period of time.  You are just standing there, wondering what the point is.  You close your eyes, and in a strict iteration put your tongue to the back of your teeth, open your mouth slightly, and try to breathe evenly between mouth and nose.

I don't know if anything will happen--good or bad--for folks who have not done preparatory work, and would again encourage folks to sign up for the whole program at http://kumnyeyoga.com/e-kum-nye/ ,but in my own case particularly when my arms started getting wobbly, and I decided to keep them up there anyway, powerful emotions would after a time rush through, so strong I wanted to yell: feelings mainly of fear, but also sadness, and occasionally calm.

And like any Kum Nye, you just stay with the feeling.  You let it burn.  You tolerate it, knowing it will not last forever, but that it is or was a part of you that was holding you back, keeping you from manifesting something better.  You embrace it, welcome it, thank it.  Whatever its role was at one time in your life, it was useful, protective, needed.

It is very literally like emotional housecleaning.  It is getting into the corners and attic, and just seeing what all is there, and letting what you don't want manifest and then diminish.  This process is still on-going.  I am going to start the next level today, but will continue to do this every evening, probably after doing my Emwave 2 for ten minutes, which seems to be beneficial.

So often people feel a sense of powerlessness because knowledge is power, and they lack knowledge.  Most of what you need to know does not consist in "be nice", despite what our educational system would have you believe.  Being nice is the consequence most of the time for people who are emotionally healthy, with the only exceptions being when it is inappropriate.

The dictum "be nice" is soulless, devoid of meaning, devoid of POSSIBLE affective depth.  In our world we are taught close to nothing about how to become deep, meaning-full human beings.  We are taught how to describe our emotions, but not how to feel them, how to be present now, so that some new present can manifestly (forgive me) presently.

Our culture is weak.  We lack the TOOLS needed to become otherwise. I submit this is one possible such tool that is virtually unknown.


Sadomasochism is the result of it hurting more to tolerate the pain of freedom that to endure either the pain of separation implied by cruelty, or the manifest pains of masochism, which include the overt loss of freedom.

Now, I want to be clear that I mean much, much more than simply sexual sadomasochism.  I see the rejection of freedom all around, and very definitely within me.  I look at my own psychodynamic history, and there was simply no room for my own healthy development of a self.  It was not just not encouraged, but very actively discouraged--punished is the word--in ways I was completely unable to see at the time and for a long time since.

But I feel, I think with some cause, that this basic process is common.  A great many people fail to fully individuate: it is a process of spiritual growth, and our society more or less conflates growth with careers and money, neither of which matter when one is simply acting as an automoton, acting on programming, understanding and truly choosing on a deep level nothing.

Plainly, in many ways we are constrained, as many silly people love to point out.  Yes, of course, there are genetics and family and social milieu.  In principle, this is not in any way a different constraint than that in other days assumed by the process of a deterministic astrology.

What I have stipulated often is that we have the freedom of "non-statistical coherence", that of making choices which define who WE choose to be, choices that may be small, but put us in a different slot than the one for which we were destined, and that choice can include fully ACCEPTING the path we are on, embracing it, making it our own.  There is a space we can perceive, and in which we can feel freedom of being.  I have sensed it many times.

All evil and all good comes from this process.  Evil is simply the rejection of freedom at the root emotional level, regardless of what the mind says.  As such, it is a rejection of existence outright, both that of oneself and by emotional implication that of others.  At a root emotional level this contradiction between the fact that one is alive, and that one cannot LIVE causes both all manner of cruelty, and toleration and even embrace of that cruelty.

I saw all this in a dream.  I have interesting dreams.

Wednesday, December 25, 2013


I'm watching "Birth of a Nation"--which I understand was used for propaganda purposes in the resurrection of the KKK, and in a telling piece of symbolism, was the first film shown in the White House, to the patent racist Woodrow Wilson--and have reached the scene of a Ball, in the (at that point relatively) antebellum South.

I think we should bring back the institution of the Ball, where people dress to the nines, act genteelly, and dance all together in dances all know.  The Ball, of course, was an aristocratic institution, something denied the plebians.

But if America is anything, if the project we started means anything, it is about the generalization of all the things that make life congenial and pleasant.  To my mind, the American project remains among the most bold, most audacious, most GOOD, ever attempted in human history.  Our principles are sound, even if like all peoples at the time, our early history was contracted by bias and ignorance.

We destroyed the Indians.  We enslaved the blacks, at least across half our domain.  These are historical facts that cannot be undone.

But history as a whole is FULL of such atrocities.  It more or less CONSISTS in the repetitious fall of one nation and the rise of another equally bad, but more congenial for those who suffered under the previous one.

Only here, only in this nation, only under this Constitution has a serious effort been made to end "history" by making freedom general.

There is great beauty in what has been attempted, great courage, great vision.  It is therefore only with sadness, as I have said many times, that one looks upon all the efforts to recontract us, to make us dumber, less principled, to return power to an elite that looks upon the masses with contempt, as do Socialists, and all the others who use their rhetoric for their own ends.

The laws of the Roman Public Thing, the Res Publica, were written in stone.  It mattered not, when the caliber of humans running the enterprise decayed beyond redemption.

The only faith we can have is in the pursuit of Goodness, which can be conceived many ways, when conceived in sincerity and good faith.  We can reconcile the many ways, in peace, and public piety, when we remember who we are, remember the brazenness of this enterprise, and remember the sorrow of history.

I will submit that the Ball is one way to do this, one way to remember.  We have reached a point of prosperity where such things can come into being again.

I know, of course, that I am in many ways a fool, preaching to the wind.

Still, one must have dreams.  I am an archetypal, ueber-Pisces, quite content to be skewered by contradictions I embrace.  The waters rise and fall: this is an eternal reality.

Christmas Day

I think what I like most about this day is the silence.  There are few cars on the road, few people out and about.

It makes me think of how things must be and have been in predominantly Jewish communities on the Sabbath.  It is hard to rest when everyone else is out and about and doing, but when the community, everyone, is silent, resting, peaceful, it is much easier to unwind: nowhere to go, nothing to do.

Family: it works better in such conditions.  We all need a rest from the ache of work, of worry.  I can't be the first to say this, but the Sabbath may well have been the key to the survival of Judaism, which antedates almost all world religions, and has the dubious distinction of having been cast out of its homeland more than once, and in the last case for several thousand years.

One sees the men clad in black walking to the Synagogue, and knows they have a candle lit at home.  This is culture.  Plainly, it works.

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Homosexuality: a resolution to be debated

Resolved: that in a plural society diversity includes moral diversity, and that moral diversity in principle includes diversity on all topics, including that of sexuality.

Corollary: any society which does not tolerate diversity on any topic of consequence is by that fact alone no longer pluralistic, and if this lack of diversity is enacted by violence--whether directly physical, or by eliminating the ability of dissenters to express their views--that society is tyrannical and inherently, definitionally anti-Liberal.

With regard to the Phil Robertson case, what is at issue is neither whether or not homosexuality is moral, nor whether it is moral to believe it is immoral.  What is at issue is whether we remain a pluralistic society capable of resolving or at least reconciling our difference through open dialogue, or whether we are becoming mon-archic--an order based on One, on one vision, one view, one way of behaving. 

As a practical matter, we have in this country competing societies, competing social orders.  One remains pluralistic, and the other is patently Fascist in habit and expression.

My version

Fools rush in where the wise fear to tread; sometimes the wise are cowards, so this makes fools at times invaluable.


I am well aware that I repeat myself--that some themes recur.  I would submit, though, that even though words and themes may repeat, FOR ME their meaning evolves, or at least I hope it does.

One could in principle utter the same phrase a thousand times--say, God is Love, or Good is love--and mean one thousand different things.  Such is the nature of language. 

To use an analogy from a previous post, can the word "cloud" ever mean the same thing twice?  Have you ever seen two identical clouds, even though when we use the word we all know approximately what we mean?

There is a continuum between an infinitely sharp blade and an all-encompassing fog--hell, let's make it an INVISIBLE fog, even space itself--which we all need to traverse regularly.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Types of Reason

Bit meandering, but I stand by my meanders.

Perhaps rather than speaking of reason, and unreason, we might more usefully speak of effective and ineffective reason, and logical reasoning and emotional reasoning.

When a human organism is in balance, it is possible to calmly think things through, and to readily change one's mind when new data appears, or circumstances change.

When one is out of balance, however, as in conditions of living under tyranny, and being compelled to commit it, then logic is not logic at all.

A common example of insanity--the sort of insanity that could have been used to justify, say, Neil Cassady in his Dionysian revels--was the nuclear arms race.  Through the 1950's and 1960's, Americans took seriously the Communist intent to take over the world, and took seriously the fact that both sides had atomic weapons.

Hopefully, it will never become clear what the effect of a nuclear war would be, but many not unreasonably supposed it would mean the end of our civilization, and thus even the thought of engaging in one was insane.

It would have been insane, but the point missed by many is that Communism is an insane doctrine, and so too are all the "lite" versions of it, the essential element in which is the rejection of individual moral agency.

When you are dealing with fundamentally irrational and violent people, violence has to be on the table as an option.  This is, to my mind, a rational position.  You are good, they are bad: this can happen, and relatively speaking has happened many times in history.

In actual historical fact, our nuclear arms buildup, at least to this point, WAS rational.  It worked.  We are neither Red nor Dead.

When people say, though: "who knows what is good and what is bad" this is a rejection of the possibility of coherent moral action, and thus Communism lite.

If I ask you "is the sky blue or grey", do you not need to look out the window?  Some days it is all blue, some all gray, many a mixture.  Some days it is mostly blue, some mostly grey, but it is moving, it is changing.  This does not mean we cannot make general statements about it.

All of us understand common sense morality: don't do things to others you would not want done to you.  Don't lie, in general; don't cheat, in general; empathize, offer kindness.  Should you always offer kindness?  of course not.  Be nice all the time is a recipe for failure.  It is the creed of the morally vacuous.  So, too, is the demand for relentless and unreflective compassion.  Should you feel compassion for those who want to hurt you?  If you do, if you fail to take effective action to prevent or counter their violence, they will not just hurt you, but all the other people around you.  Do they not deserve compassion as well?  Do not the innocent deserve more compassion and mercy and regard than those whose lack of emotional wellness and development drives them into enacting violence in the outer world they cannot avoid in their inner world?

Everything begins with balance, but balance, in turn, sometimes cannot be brought about except by losing it, for some period of time.

This is obvious in Holotropic Breathwork, but even in my Kum Nye practice I have no way of predicting what will come up.

Charles Bukowski's grave stone reads "Don't Try".  This is apparently what he meant.  Let it come.  If you force it you kill it.  And if you kill it, you have lost access to effective reason, of both the logical and the emotional varieties.

Sunday, December 22, 2013


Sanity and insanity ought to cycle, should they not?

Few drinks, long week, lots of emotional processing, strange places.

So, watched a Thomas Merton biography.  Decided he was murdered in Thailand by Communists.  His last public statement before being found dead alone of an odd, freak, electrical accident in his locked room was along the lines of "Communism only works in monasteries.  But you can question me.  Questions are tonight.  For now, I'll disappear and you can go have a Coke or something."

Got to thinking about other thinkers of the 1960's who died in freak accidents, and came across Albert Camus fairly quickly.  Here is an article alleging he was killed by the KGB: http://www.theguardian.com/books/2011/aug/07/albert-camus-killed-by-kgb

Ferlinghetti was in the Merton piece, so I looked him up, then Charles Bukowski (real name: Heinrich Karl Buko(v)ski: he was born in Germany, and had an accent as a child for many years).  Bukowski was beaten with a leather strap by his father multiple times a week from an early age, perhaps 5 or so.

So: entropy: leather straps, failure, despair, creative response, alcoholism, p[oetry], sex, words, words, awful delightful words.

Sean Penn was apparently a Bukowski fan.  They went to the track together.  Penn seems big on symbolism, and relative photo ops.

So I got to thinking.  This is the point of this post, which I am allowing to be meandering.

Bukowski in some respects represents the 1960's.  Many of the figures of the 60's, like Ferlinghetti and Merton, were really from earlier generations.  And so was Bukowski, born if memory serves in 1925. Hippies, proper hippies, were born in the late forties, and early 1950's.

Dionysian: this is the word.  Out of whack, countercultural, non-clicking, forgettable, outside, out there, stranger, death to normal: these are words for Bukowski, and they make a lot of people of a certain disposition like him.

Me, too.

But what I want to say, before I walk my dogs to avoid the smell of urine, is that this feeling of wanting to stand outside the normal social realm is in my view quite ordinary, quite normal. It is our culture (and you are me, no doubt: can't I assume this?) which makes it abnormal.

Do we not need to integrate the unintegrated?  Do we not need to make ordinary Non-Ordinary States of Consciousness?

I looked, in my overly simplistic way, the Enlightenment, Rationalism.  And I saw a reaction to myth, a reaction to the religious abuse of power, a clinging to science in some form, and form in all events, to order, to reason, to the adequate at the expense of the insufficient.

Then I looked at Romanticism, and saw a reaction to reactionlessness, to unreason masquerading as order, which led to an insistence on myth.

Plato said moral values exist, roughly.  Others say they do not "exist", certainly.  Ontology is greeted with deconstruction.  The quest for values is countered with the claim that they do not "exist" outside the verbal realm and should thus be--argue the children--cast aside.  Cue the assassination.

For me, I want to say that reason and unreason must coexist.  One day one, one day the other.  Like the alternating consuls, the alternating kings, of the Roman Republic, we must not ask questions like: Is Reason Paramount:?  Is Passion Paramount?

Do we suffer from such questions?   Of course: we suffer from all bad questions.  No, I have not stopped beating my wife yet: have you stopped your abuse of truth?

Yup: It's time to Walk the Dogs.  I don't like the smell of urine. [they really do pee on my rug: how truly do symbol and reality procreate?]

Terms and thought constructs

It seems likely I will change the terminology of the fore-going, but I am working a 9 day week, and don't have time at the moment for more exploration.

A distinction I want to make though, is between awareness and personality.  Awareness is best thought of as expanding and contracting, more or less like a sphere around a person.  Here, I might at some point speak of an Inner Expander, and Inner Contracter.

Personality is built and destroyed, much like a building.  It has analogues in the brain, and is characterized nearly entirely by habits of mind, body and emotion.  Here, it is a question of building and destroying, constructing, and deconstructing.

It is perhaps--I am tempted to say likely--for this reason Buddha spoke of "no Self".  The role of personality, per se, is simultaneously to stabilize experience and to LIMIT it.

Now, thoughts are machines, and all analogies used here--in this world, in this life--lose, we must assume, their validity in other qualitative realms; but since we are here, we have ample cause to take them seriously, when advanced by serious, accomplished teachers.

Inner Creator

I've always had very lucid dreams, both in terms of actual lucid dreams--which feel very literally like out of body experiences--and much more commonly the ability to directly affect dream content. It's sort of like a movie, where I can dictate to some extent what happens, but in which most of the time it is more interesting to just see what happens, and more or less knowing while it is happening that it is a part of me.  Put another way, it is a sort of moving, real time psychoanalysis.

Last night, just as the engineer was going to show me the keys to the building--the controls--the orcs and Giants broke through the gates, and surrounded me.  They were going to kill me, but I surrendered.  I normally fight them and win, but this time that seemed inappropriate for some reason.  Then I awoke elsewhere (in the dream), free again, but they were still loose.

As I contemplate this, it seems to me that the evil forces represent limitations, parts of ourselves which perform the function of limiting us, keeping us within bounds.  Particularly in traumatic situations, it is best not to feel too much.  It is best to limit spontaneity, best to control thinking and emoting, to allow some things and actively discourage or even squelch others.

But this is a very unsuitable situation in conditions of freedom.  What was a protective angel because a jealous captor.  Life evolves.

We use the word "healing" for going beyond the boundaries dictated by survival in a bad situation, but this is really not the best term.  What I think we fail to realize is that we were bound BEFORE.  When we shrink in response to survival necessity, that becomes our new reality.  This is the reality of having endured trauma.

Growing beyond this, experientially, in terms of how it actually feels, feels like crossing new ground.  We can gradually grow to remember old feelings that were discarded out of necessity, but we now know about this process of growth, and that necessarily brings into question the old boundaries too.  You are shrunk, but then come to realize you can expand past where you were.  This is how trauma, pain, difficulty, can be liberating.  It brings out the awareness of possibilities you had never had cause to suspect.

Experientially, this feels to me like creation.  So, until I change my mind and come up with something better, I propose we call this Psychogenetic Expansion.  "Healing" lacks all ambition.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

True, not true?

The smaller the self, the larger the vision.

Friday, December 13, 2013


Healing from psychological trauma is an inherently creative act.  There is no status quo ante.  You cannot return.  All trauma inherently forces us to grow by pushing through it and integrating it.  There is only forward.

And it seems to me that in healing you end a "chain of abuses".  The person or people who hurt you were also hurt.  Their inability to process their wounds is what created their cruelty and thoughtlessness.  When you create a new, stable self, without that violence, you answer the question we were all born for.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


Sometimes it is selfish to think of others.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Burnt by the Sun

I needed to vent. I was going to post this on Facebook, but this is clearly a better place.

For some reason I've been on a Russian movie kick.  I just watched "Burnt by the Sun", which is a very sad movie set in the Stalin era.  It is difficult to communicate the violence of hate I feel for the monsters who spewed and continue to spew this evil, demonic creed, that trails death, despair, darkness, and utter depravity everywhere it goes.  It is difficult to communicate the hate I feel for Barack Obama for shaking a mass murderers hand. 

What do we do with people who lock others in closets for years because it amuses them?  What do we do with people who torture others for fun?  What do we do with people who put guns to people's heads and pull the trigger because they get a thrill out of it?  We despise them and we put them in jail.  But what do leftists do?  They lionize them. 

It is possible to build something close to utopia. I believe this.  But not on a demonic base.  Sean Penn is pushing the politics of Ted Bundy, openly, publicly.  He, too, wants to treat people like potted plants.  And most Americans are still too stupid to understand this.

The Maternal

It is one thing to diagnose an emotional malady, and another entirely to do the work necessary to integrate painful realities into an "after" consciousness, to grow beyond what ails you.

It is no doubt often the case that intellectuals--thought workers, to use my preferred term at least for what I imagine myself doing--often project their own internal realities on the world.  Those who seek to steal see everyone as a thief.  Those unable to find meaning in their own lives say that "life is meaningless".

In my own case, I am integrating the loss of a mother, of the possibility of a mother; the fact that my own mother did what was in her power to destroy me psychologically, from a very early age.  These are powerful emotions.  They invoke terror.  But I watch, and I feel, and I cannot imagine a worse terror than that of feeling helpless, of giving up, of failing to use this life to grow as much as I possibly can.  And so I go on, and it is fruitful.

But to continue the thread, I look out at the world, and I feel in some respects I am working to heal not only my own wounds--my own lacks--but those of the world generally.  What has happened to the sense of place in our world, to the feeling of being nested, home, comfortable, warm?

We live in hives of activity, do we not?  A purportedly rational, or at least rationalizable, world, one filled with archetypal male energy which can solve any physical problem, which is impatient with confusion, with hesitancy, with fog, with damp, with dark, with caves, with water, with soft voices in the distance we cannot decipher.  Do we not, though, seek mothers?  Through all this incessant activity, do we not want somewhere to rest?  And how do we rest?  Through sopophorics.  Through distraction: through TV, mePods, Twitter (Flutter?), through movement, movement, movement, virtual or actual.

In some sick way, I sense that aspiring totalitarians seek, through the attainment of the ability to snuff out alternative narratives, alternative views, alternative behaviors, the "warmth" of place.  But of course they are using archetypal male energy, without empathy, without warmth.  Theirs is the energy of the psychotic mother.

And this point warrants making: the feminine has ALWAYS been far more powerful than men have admitted.  Even if men think they have bested their wives, they were once utterly helpless in the face of their mothers.

And this energy, in its best use, is highly creative, highly nurturing.  It is food for the soul.  Where men are efficient at generating things and actions, women are efficient at generating affective states.  And it is the latter that we really want.  We don't want things: we want the feelings those things give us.  Women, at their best, help achieve the end without the middle.

Modern feminism is a process of making women into men.  It is a process of seeking quantitative power, not qualitative power.  It is a denuding of our culture of the energies that make life bearable, that make children happy, that bring joy to life.

Few--sensations, I will call them.  I am likely sharing too much, but fuck it.  My time will come, too, and I may as well get used to the idea of complete transparency.  Our world, in any event, needs more true honesty.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Emotional Growth

When silence becomes real.

Corollary: abstraction is silence.

It's odd: ideas keep coming in torrents.  I could post 2-3 times a day when I'm not overly busy.  But I have come to realize that all of this exists solely to keep me from traveling inside in the ways that actually matter.  It is an elaborate, even if--I hope--a useful, subterfuge.  I refuse to lie to myself any more.

I will add, since I have come this far: I was looking at a Picasso the other day, and he literally took a woman apart.  His abstraction was violence, and this violence was manifested clearly both in his politics and his personal life.  Everything you need to know, though, is right there on the canvas.  It always has been.  He is perhaps most famed because he offered a certain class of people relief from emotions they were then, and remain now, incapable of processing, of digesting.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Business Opportunity

I have been doing a lot of inner work, but what has really pushed me into some really interesting, new qualitative territory is a series of special recordings put out by Sound Therapy.  Their website is here: http://www.soundtherapyinternational.com/v3/

It cost me $615 to get a small iPod-like device, filled with classical recordings done per the specifications of Alfred Tomatis, along with good earbuds (that of course I could easily have purchased separately), a DVD that was essentially marketing material, and a couple of books which were essentially derivatives of the original work by Tomatis.

The claims made for this music are quite amazing, such as that they will increase your energy level, reduce tinnitus (which I have had for many years), facilitate learning, and heal a variety of cognitive disorders.  All of these claims, I feel, have merit, based on my own experience thus far.  This is truly an amazing technology.  In my own case it is calming me in important ways, while also giving me more energy.  The music is addictive, and I look forward to listening to it every morning when I get up.

Here is the thing: this technology has been largely locked up by selfish fools.  In the case of the Tomatis crowd, they have done their level best to keep this thing a more or less trade secret among audiologists, and require their training, with their tools, to use the phrase "Tomatis Method", which they have trademarked.

Sound Therapy was founded by a woman who enjoyed huge benefits from it, and came to realize that the so supposed "professionals" were--after apparently doing a thorough examination, and prescribing what they described as a "personalized" program--were giving the same program to everyone.

All Tomatis Therapy is, is music with a lot of high frequency sound being run through a filter designed to reduce low frequency sound.  Such sound has effects upon the brain cortex in ways that far exceed the direct influence of the ear, and the cognitive process of listening.  Effectively, you are altering the brain through neuroplasticity, itself a response to qualitatively new inputs.

Although I have not yet read any of his books, Tomatis himself apparently viewed his work, ultimately, through a depth psychological lens, and viewed one effect of his work to be an affectively deep return to the womb in order to resolve very primitive problems.

Here is the Wikipedia article on him, which does not seem awful: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alfred_A._Tomatis

Even though many elements of his work would likely be enhanced by exposure to an actually qualified professional, most of them apparently just ask people to pay to come to their office and listen to the same music 2-3 hours a day for some 300 hours.  They literally prescribe the same thing to everyone, which is something ANYONE could do.  There is no magic to it, not in the prescription.

Here is the business opportunity: all of his patents have expired, so anybody and everybody can legally copy his method and work and create their own iteration. 

My concept, which I shared without success with the Sound Therapy people, would be to create relatively low cost copies of music made per his method.  The essence of what I bought was a small iPod like device which is so out of date that it still has battery memory, and thus a limited lifespan of roughly 4-5 years (They tell me).  This technology has likely not evolved in 10 years, and based on how they are marketing this material, they seem to be shooting for low volume and high margin.

Somebody can create a high volume, low margin business.  They can create CD's, knowing that many might be pirated, but which can be protected like any other form of music.  Alternatively, they can duplicate the idea of providing a box with prerecorded music--the underlying idea of which, of course, is preventing piracy--but do it at lower cost.  My own view is that $100 would be a good price point that many people would be quite willing to pay.

I of course thought about going into this business, and still may, but given all my other sundry projects it will take some time, and given how enthusiastic I am about this therapy, I would like to put it out there in the world sooner rather than later.  So many people suffer needlessly.  There is so much stupidity and selfishness.

Sunday, November 24, 2013


This is a bit of a vanity post.  So be it.

I had said some time ago that when I reached some kind of meaningful place, my need to write would diminish.  I have reached this place.  I have made myself heavy, learned to breathe in the dark, and floated slowly down until I reached the bottom.

I have sought out and found all the puzzle pieces and assembled it into a whole, and now my task is to digest it, and then to move through a gate into a world which is completely unknown to me, but I think filled with color.

I have had the sense for years that I have a 12 cylinder engine, but have only been able to get 4 cylinders to fire.  Everything I have done and said is much less than what I am capable of.  My entire life has felt like I had two fishhooks impaling my back attached by cable to two 50 pound stones I had to drag everywhere.  This feeling is ending.

Whenever I promise silence, do not believe me, but if I post for a time less, this is why.

As far as political events--and I suspect I do have readers whose main interest is political--have we not reached a point where we simply need to wait and see if America is ready for tyranny?  Has not enough, sufficient, information been presented to the American people as to the tragedy and horror of the direction we have been guided lo these many years?

Will the pot boil?  I cannot know, but the message cannot be delivered in words better than it already has been.

Friday, November 22, 2013


Most people grow up in relatively benign homes, where most people mean what they say most of the time.  That is my sense, although I may be exaggerating the number of psychologically healthy homes when I say "most".

What is the effect when parents hate their children from a very early age, though, even if they only rarely express it through overt verbal or physical violence?

You lack that sense of order and safety  which most others take for granted in healthy homes.

But here is the thing: when Hitler said he would kill the Jews, he meant it.  Those who believed him, though, were considered paranoid.  They were not.  They simply had a category for insane violence, which people who had not been exposed to it lacked.

Those who believed that  Castro, Ho Chi Minh, Lenin, Mao intended mass death and political violence would, at various times in the careers of all these men been considered delusional.  Castro and Ho were, in my understanding, more or less openly supported by many academics and journalists in the mid-1950's (hell, Stalin in the 1930's, along with Mussolini in more cases than they now admit) and that even though Ho had helped found the French Communist party all the way back in 1920 or so, and become an almost immediate Comintern agent.

Let me put it this way: the POSSIBILITY of paranoid thinking creates a much broader array of possible understandings of data with which one is presented.  Logic and factual analysis can put many fears to rest in a reasonably well ordered mind, but such a mind is in my view much better equipped to handle liminal, unusual, aberrant data than one which has seen little suffering, and complacently assumes that because things always have worked out, that they will continue to.

Put another way, I wear my paranoia--as many would call it--with pride.

Rethinking Obamacare

I think it is easy to make the mistake of thinking that Obama's end game is something like Canada or the British Health Service.  It is not.  It is Cuba.  The tyranny is the primary aim, and healthcare/insurance is just a means to the end; and would not a generalized economic collapse serve the cause of "tyranny in the public interest" better than a functioning, if inefficient, healthcare/ health insurance system?

The DHS has bought its billions of bullets.  They have bought 2,400 military grade MRAP's.  The Federal government has armed virtually every arm, and has been busily funding and training sundry law enforcement agencies in crowd control, and buying them protective gear, and in no small number of cases military grade vehicles.  The task now, seemingly, is to get the people into the streets. 

How could effective economic policy possibly serve that aim?

My next post will be about paranoia, but could we perhaps not view Harry Reid's decision to alter over 200 years of tradition with some fear that they have abandoned the long game?

Actually, I will add, pace my last post, that I Googled  Tom Clancy and as of yet it does not appear a cause of death has been announced, which is quite odd.  Even if he had killed himself, which sound very dubious, there would have been a roundabout way of saying it.  They do in most of the articles point out that he had an uncanny prophetic ability.  And from what I read, his latest book involved a "Manchurian Candidate" installed by wealthy Saudis after a very long seasoning period.

Incredible Allegation: MUST READ


Dr. Jim Garrow, the same one that reported the death of Andrew Breitbart  and Tom Clancy, came out as an ex CIA Agent recently. The same Jim Garrow that runs Pink Pagoda Girls that rescues young girls from death and abortion in China. He revealed in a November 18th Facebook message that among the top brass being purged, actually prevented President Obama from creating a series of  ”False Flag” events this fall. One of the incidents was to be nuclear, the other was make a calculated crippling of the infrastructure of our country.
On November 19th, the entire posts, reposts, and comments were totally scrubbed by social media networks.and outlets. That evening he appeared on Full Contact with Eric Rush.
You can see his scrubbed messages to Facebook here:
Three individuals have just saved 300 million lives in the past 2 weeks. They saved the 90% of the population that would be dead if Bathhouse Barry had not been stopped from using 3 nuclear devices against the American populace. 2 Army Generals and 1 Navy Admiral, whose duties included the safeguarding and oversight of the nuclear arsenal. Obama ordered that 3 nukes be transported in a major breach of protocol and safety regulations of long standing. He wanted it NOW, and these officers were made aware of what the intention was. The admiral had the one Navy nuke taken 200 miles off South Carolina and detonated deep in the ocean. The other 2 nukes disappeared thanks to the handiwork of the 2 Generals, the numbers 1 and 2 men in charge of the Army ordinance. These three men are heroes of the highest order. Look up the events of 2 Generals and 1 Admiral being dismissed in the past two weeks and you will find their names. They saved your lives and the lives of 300 million of your fellow citizens.
Mr. Obama’s intention was to set off the three nukes to devastate all computer related systems on the continent thus taking America back 200 years and guaranteeing a total breakdown in society and with in one year the death of 300 million Americans. To see how this would be possible read, “One Second After”. You can get it on Amazon.
We peered over the edge of the precipice of the death of our civilization and have lived to tell the tale. 3 heroes stood tall for America and the mad man in the white house was stopped for the first time in his life. He is unsure of what to do just now and he does not possess the keys to the nuclear submarines nor the two nukes that are now hidden. For the first time in his life someone said no, meant it, and stopped him from murder and devastation. The next few days are critical. Be afraid and go to prepper sites to find out how to save your family, if you can. – Dr. Jim Garrow, Nov. 18, 2013
In the condominium complex in Casa Grande, Arizona, where I have a unit, a visit was made yesterday by a group of 4 men in a black Suburban with lots of antenna’s on the roof. The management of our large group of condo’s was asked to open the door of my unit. The badges were a combination of many different alphabet agencies including my former one. Interesting because after I posted about EMP’s and missing nukes my phone rang late in the evening and I was requested to cease and desist. My posts have been removed. I am not however repentant, nor cowed. If anything like this happens again I have instructed people to begin the release of documents and information as per prepared plans in the hands of these people. Obama is known for overplaying his hand, and now should be known far and wide as a dangerous amateur. He may have gotten Breitbart, Hastings and Clancy, but they were just writers. I hope that he enjoys the protests today in DC.  – Dr. Jim Garrow, Nov. 19, 2013
A quick search on the internet latter and you can indeed find three Military Men that dealt in Nuclear Arms dismissed in October. Major General Michael Carey and Vice Admiral Tim Giardina (fired amidst rumors of misbehavior involving alcohol and gambling) were both released, then a third one from the Pacific that never made it home. There was also a sizable earth quake off the coast of South Carolina that Russia Claims was an underwater explosion of an American Thermal Nuclear Device.
We, as a nation, are totally in these men’s debt!

Comments:  Here is a link to an earthquake off the coast of South Carolina on Oct. 8th :http://earthquake-report.com/2013/10/08/moderate-earthquake-off-east-coast-of-united-states-on-october-8-2013-2/

And as always, how do we separate out what seems clearly true, from what is speculative.  By way of context, this man, Jim Garrow, has also claimed that Andrew Breitbart, Michael Hastings, and Tom Clancy were all murdered to prevent the disclosure of secrets which apparently remain secret.  In Breitbart's case, it may have been good evidence of Obama's homosexual past, in Hastings he apparently had dirt on senior CIA officials, and Tom Clancy who knows.

Who is this guy?  Well, he does seem to be a humanitarian: http://www.pinkpagodagirls.com/category/about-us/  He claims, apparently credibly, to have saved 45,000 lives.

It does seem clear that multiple senior military officials were suddenly and without explanation fired, even though the complicit media--and here one must include Fox, which is limited in its capacity to grasp how bad things might actually be--largely ignored it. 

The transfer of the nukes appears to have been leaked: http://www.infowars.com/sen-graham-warns-of-nuke-strike-after-missing-nuke-report/

So we have credible reports, actual firings of senior commanders, and an earthquake in the right timeframe. 

Proof?  Of course not, but should we expect it, when so many people are working so hard to keep this apparent secret?

I will reiterate: we have SOLID evidence that Obama's mother posed nude as a teenager for a black Communist.  We have SOLID evidence that he is committing a federal felony by using a forged Social Security number.  It is INDISPUTABLE that the PDF file he posted as his birth certificate was tampered with.  These are all large things.  They are not small things.  They point to hidden and large psychological trauma, and to a clear willingness to flout the law, and the ability to get away with it.

I could go on, but have often enough.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of our military--and honest LEO's--in keeping our freedom.  If any military members or cops are reading this, I ask you: were the sacrifices you made protecting freedom in this country, the rule of law in this country, worth anything if we let these bastards get away with tyranny now?

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Procrusteanism and Trauma

I have developed the habit of lingering with interesting emotions.  Good one, I try to hold for 30 seconds or so, letting them saturate me; and bad ones, likewise, except that they last much longer.  Today, I hit a spot of trauma, and had planned anyway on taking a long walk, and decided to take the feeling with me, to walk with me, to move with me, to evolve, if possible, while the world passed by.

Early on, I hit this point between anger and sadness.  That is where the focus needs to be.  Anger pushes out, and sadness pulls in, but both originate in the primal disruption, the trauma, that after which nothing was the same.  This is the best description I can offer, but what I saw was that both are unhealthy: sadness is more or less a decision you need help; and anger is directed at punishment of others.  Neither is actually oriented around healing, or forward progress.  Only by sensing and entering that middle field can you address on the emotional plain those things which continue to disrupt you, by diverting you down both of those paths, perhaps in alternating ways, perhaps in a "monopolar" way.  Can we speak of monopolar rage?  I think so.

Likewise, it occurred to me the other day that Leftism is really about EITHER punishing people, or "helping" them, whether they want it or not.  You punish the rich (or the Jews, or the Tutsis/Hutus, or Chinese, or whoever else, depending on where you are), while more or less coercing the poor, the working people, the class you claim to care about, in directions they would not have chosen, and which in almost all cases cause massive increases of misery.

Procrustes bed presumably never precisely fit anyone.  In this analogy, the rich have their legs cut off--and/or their heads--which is punishment; but the poor are likewise put on the rack, and stretched in directions the Leftists feel they should go.  Who fits?  Solely the ruling elite themselves, and then only if everyone conforms well to everyone else.

Is there not a structural homology here?  You have a direct expression of rage, directed in almost all cases at people guilty of nothing but superior intelligence and motivation to work; and on the other you "nurture" the sad, the lonely, the displaced, the outcast, the Other.

Can we not see this as a dual projection, in a psychological sense, of people who are unable to digest their own emotions?  Take Frances Fox Piven: she is an amoral bitch.  She wants to ruin everything, destroy everything, and for what?  To salve deep seated emotions SHE has, that SHE can't get through, using a reality in which the actual human beings involved suffer horribly, predictably, and uselessly.

When you see people who can only live in abstraction, you can assume as a rule that they have enormous blind spots in them, forced upon them by turmoil--unreason, feeling, myth, "primality"--they fear deeply.  This is why the external order of totalitarianism appeals so mightily to them, why our academic caste has been so badly wrong--so monstrous, so demonic--for so long.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Global Warming

I started this blog with a post on Global Warming, here: http://www.moderatesunited.blogspot.com/2008/01/global-warming.html

Within the last week or so I concluded a "debate" with a cult member, in which he ignored the entirety of the original post, and more or less simply kept repeating the tired, very old themes which constitute the catechism of the apostolic church of which he is an eager member. He left with his mind unchanged, and utterly convinced that despite the fact that I kept refuting his arguments, or showing their irrelevance, that he was right and I was wrong.  This is the nature of the beast.

You don't debate, in my view, to change minds.  The people opposing you are so emotionally dedicated to their views that they will ignore absolutely EVERYTHING which fails to support views they did not reach rationally, and which they thus cannot defend rationally.

You debate to learn, because you learn under duress, in challenge.

Here, I refined my arguments yet further.  The "debate" is in the Comments section.

Here is the thing: according to ALL ACCOUNTS our atmosphere is ALREADY absorbing all the radiant heat in the frequencies, roughly 13.5 to 17 microns, where CO2 is relevant.  CO2 only affects about 8% of the total spectrum of infrared--heat bearing--radiation, and it is already absorbing 100% of that 8%. 

This means that NO amount of further CO2 concentration will matter AT ALL.

Here is my summary of the argument from there.  The first quote is from a cult members website:

"We see that for the pre-industrial CO2 concentration, it is only the wavelength range between about 13.5 and 17 microns (millionths of a meter) that can be considered to be saturated. Within this range, it is indeed true that adding more CO2 would not significantly increase the amount of absorption."

If you look at the "wings" what you see is it is very inefficient at absorbing IR radiation.

A quote from here, which I have already linked: http://nov79.com/gbwm/prmr.html

"Climatologists say radiation on the shoulders of the absorption peaks does not all get used up. They say 5% is functional, and the greenhouse effect of CO2 occurs with this 5%. The 5% number is rationalized fraud with no evidence or objective basis."

He goes on: "Sometimes, the claim is made that the absorption peak will widen as CO2 is increased. It absolutely will not. The width is dependent upon the energy state of the molecules, and increasing the concentration does nothing to change the energy state. All real measurements show this. How can so much crap enter real science? It shows that this subject is not real science."

I want to be clear, too: warming, per se, is not evidence.  Evidence of warming, then, is not evidence, either, of anything but "weather", which is a synonym for climate change.  The climate changes daily, the world over.

Not only is the Global Warming idea ludicrous, not only is it a horrific commentary on the capacity of scientists for corruption, but it is clearly a conspiracy conducted by those I have taken to calling Neomalthusians (aka Chicken Littles and Petty Tyrants) to support global tyranny.

We swim daily in a deep sea of lies.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Obamacare and Mental Health

In the overall, ongoing, massive and perceptually ineluctable disaster that is Obamacare, I have seen little mention of a story I saw last week that Kathleen Sebelius has used the ridiculous and unConstitutional authority granted her in this farce of a bill to require insurers to cover mental health and substance abuse issues, and to treat them the same as regular health issues.  This is no small thing.  The costs associated with mental health issues are ENORMOUS.  Serious problems may as well be chronic cancer.

I don't want to dwell too long on this, but here is a quote which brought this back to the forefront of my mind.  From "Tranforming Depression", by Doc Childre and Deborah Rozman:

The Health Enhancement Research Organization (HERO) conducted a three year health-risk and medical-cost study with 46,000 people from 22 companies and governmental organizations (Goetzel et al 1998).  The study showed that people who reported persistent depression had 70 percent greater medical costs than those who reported not being depressed.

After depression, uncontrolled stress resulted in the second greatest medical costs.  Almost 20 percent of the people reported that their stress felt uncontrollable.  Their annual medical expenses were 46 percent higher than those of people who were not stressed.  Stress was also found to be a significant predictor of cardiovascular disease in women, which is the number one killer of women.  Stress contributed to 79 percent of cardiovascular disease costs--more than smoking or obesity.

Overall, people who were both depressed and stressed had medical expenses 147 percent higher than others.  This figure is radically higher than the health hazards we hear about more often, such as lack of exercise, smoking, and high blood pressure.  In comparison, the increase in medical costs for those health hazards was minor.  A sedentary lifestyle resulted in a 10% increase in health care costs; smoking cost 14% more than nonsmoking; and high blood pressure cost 12% more.  The cost of depression and stress was more than ten times greater than each of these other factors.
Granny Bloomberg and Michelle "I know better than you" Obama should be focusing on decreasing stress, and increasing happiness.  They would both best serve these goals by shutting the hell up and leaving us the hell alone forever.  Alas, this is not likely to happen any time soon.  Bloomberg is out of office, but he is rich, and he is an asshole, so we will keep hearing from him; and we are stuck with Michelle until early 2017, or until people grow balls in Congress and impeach Obama (House) and remove him from office (Senate) for any of half a dozen offenses which in another era would have meant instant removal from office.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Russian Ark

I've decided to take my Netflix queue into the artsy realm.

Tonight I watched a, to me, very interesting film by Alexander Sokurov, titled Russian Ark.

Being a rather odd human being, I have taken to burning some frankincense while watching some of these movies (Kronos and Samsara being other similar movies I've watched recently), which creates an odd mood.  I like odd moods.  They are different than even moods. (there is an inside joke here that I won't bring outside).

The process is a bit interesting, too, and I think quite old: you light a charcoal briquet, put it on a special purpose burner, and put bits of frankincense resin on it, which creates a lot of smoke.  Actually, as I think about the Greek Orthodox background of Russia--since whoever it was visited Constantinople--incense in a brazier is quite appropriate.

With regard to the movie, there are some truly marvelous dance sequences towards the end.  Throughout, you get glimpses into how people lived hundreds of years ago.  During the dance sequence, I was thinking of a home I visited in Colonial Williamsburg, which is more or less an open air museum dedicated to preserving a half dozen or so very old buildings.  In that home, George Washington and others had been entertained, and the dancing frequently went on all night, and if memory serves, sometimes several days--with breaks of course.

You see Anastasia, and Nicholas the Second, and you think of the very deep evil that focused on destroying joy, destroying innocent pleasure, rather than seeking to democratize and generalize it. 

Communism is not about elevating human souls.  It is not about happiness.  It is not about utopia.  It is about punishment.  It is about rage.  It is about bullying and creating fear.

Can you see Vladimir Ulyanov dancing serenely, smiling, in such a setting?  No: he had death in his eyes.

One can certainly feel pity for the peasants, for the poor, for the undertrodden, while watching the elite in their pleasures.  But you cannot build through destruction.  Hate cannot forge love.  Violence cannot forge an honest peace, not if fear is sustained.

Some time ago I listened to a series on Russian history, and the first Tsar to create a Duma, an assembly, which had any relevance at all was assassinated.  Certainly, it was a Parliament roughly equal to the British Parliament in, say, 1500, as I recall, but it was progress.  That progress halted and went into hard reverse when the Tsar was killed.

Nihilist is a Russian word, and was quite appropriate then.  They damaged their own cause, stupidly, uselessly.  They hurt--as Leftists ALWAYS do--the very people they claimed falsely to care about.

Anyway, something to add to your queue, if you want something different.  I thought it very well done.

E Pluribus Unum

It is hard to accept the discipline of granting that ALL the themes and characters one sees within dreams are parts of a larger Me.  We want the good stuff, and want to deny the bad stuff.  We want the clear stuff, and to deny the incoherent, dark, misty stuff.

It is of course a commonplace that we forget most of our dreams.  Most people, in my understanding, have three periods of REM sleep a night, and most of us are doing well if we can remember one dream.

The last two nights I have been having dreams sort of "on the other side" of this giant block standing in the way of my awareness I have just become aware of.  This itself constitutes an expansion of awareness.

And to the point of this post's title, I last night had a dream of a contentious but non-violent assembly, in which all the parts sought to negotiate a modus vivendi, a peace.

So often we have dreams of people chasing us, of falling, of a gap between what we want and what we get; between comfort and experienced reality.  We fear.  We fight.

But is the logical end of psychological growth, of psychological integration not more or less the development of harmony among our various "parts", between our shadow and our normally acknowledged self?  Is the logical end not a sort of unity, which can become a unity of purpose--a true unity, not one in which some major but unrecognized "self" dug deep in our unconscious is constantly creating friction and conflict?

And it occurred to me that there is a homology between the negotiations, the mutual recognitions and acceptances, necessary for individual harmony, and that of the democratic process which--when unmolested by radicals refusing to join into the social fold, the social field--ends with a deeper peace than would have been possible in a situation of coercion.

Democracy, self rule, negotiations between people who differ in values in lifestyles, true Liberalism: these are tools for social growth.  To the extent we can grant the existence of something called "Society", it is built in this way, and destroyed by the authoritarianism of the Socialists, who, having failed to individuate, having failed to achieve any degree of personal psychological integration, see in the realm of abstraction--of intellectual violence to reality--the only possible solution to their mental problems, and who thus make the primary reality something which does not even exist, the Society.

Buddha famously posited Anatta, or Anatman, which is that the self does not exist.  This is self evidently true, if we want to think of the self as a unitary, unevolving, block.  But with individuals you at least have a singular body, and a singular mind, even if it changes.  With regard to society you don't even have this.  It is an utter fiction.

We might say that growth is decreasing the number of selves by increasing the overall complexity of the Self, the underlying informational richness.

Likewise, social growth that matters is increasing diversity of behavior--which is something Socialists actually detest, even if they gladly accept social deviance because it acts as an acid which helps to dissolve remaining non-ironic cultural traditions.

When it is said that Leftism is a mental disorder, it truly is.  It represents an emotional inability to handle complexity, a lack of capacity to integrate primitive emotions like anger and fear, and a following behavioral rigidity tied closely to the process of rejecting reality by interacting only with reified lies.

Do you think when he looks out of the window of his eyes that Obama sees actual people?  Of course not.  That is how he can joke about murdering them.

Friday, November 8, 2013

Israel and Obama

It is hard for me to believe that a nation as talented at intelligence gathering as Israek is has not dug up some dirt on Obama. If so, I woyld encourage them to release it. How much worse can it get having the shots called by an Iranian, their secret missions publicized, and deals cut wirh Iran with no strings?

As long as Obama is in office he will be working--secretly and not-so-secretly to further an anti-Israel, Islamist agenda.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Obama and Nixon

Other than the fact that he makes Nixon look like an icon of moral rectitude--Nixon was, after all, just trying to prevent the Left from losing the Vietnam War, and failed only due to what amounted to a legislative coup--and that propaganda apparatus of the complicit media is working FOR him--where for Nixon it was a constant, vicious, and utterly ruthless opponent, we can usefully compareObama and Nixon.

In that spirit, I would submit we need a new question for a new age: what DIDN'T Obama know, and for how long didn't he know it? And why?

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Conditioned Existence

Buddhists recognize three types of pain: physical or emotional (or even intellectual) pain; the pain of change and adjustment; and the pain of "conditioned existence."

This evening, after a good Kum Nye practice, I had this extremely pleasant sense of emotional omnipotentiality, which felt like magic.  All of us live conditioned lives, lives dictated by what we fear and crave, by profit and loss, by honor and dishonor.  In large measure, we are defined by and constrained by what we avoid and what we seek.

But behind this, there is the possibility of getting past all that, of feeling like you have simultaneously realized all your life's dreams.

And I want to be clear: we assume that achievement, or sensation has to precede certain emotions, like pride, or wonder, or the sense of magic, but why?  Can we not treat emotions as self originating, if the person is sufficiently skilled enough at "conjuring" them?

No Buddhist gets fully beyond the pain of loss.  They don't want to feel physical pain any more than anyone else does, but their path--when taught properly, and in my view it devolves often into simple masochism or empty ritual--offers an alternative.  You can choose between this and that.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Fusion reactor idea

I haven't heard anything new about nuclear fusion reactors in some time.  Either the technology is not being developed for political reasons--since many Greens, being misanthropes, want humanity to be poor--or technical reasons.

Presumably part of the problem is finding a way to create power without something going BOOM.

Well, just daydreaming a bit this morning after my shower, it occurred to me you could build rooms in granite a mile under the surface and just set bombs off.  You could attach those chambers to hundreds of escape valves with turbines in them that generate power.  These would, in some quantity, dissipate the blast.

You could also fill many underground reservoirs with water (or some other material) that would boil, let off steam in the manner I understand fission reactors do, and also drive turbines.

We likely already have 1 kiloton bombs.  We could more or less drop them down a chute, and bang, immediate and sustained power.  Since the power output would be in units--since there is no minimum critical mass to start, and no need for cooling rods to stop the reaction--power could in this scenario be fitted to actual needs.

As things stand today, it takes more power to create a wind turbine than it will ever create in its lifetime.  Quite literally, even if it does its job well throughout its lifespan, humanity as a whole has lost, even if Obama donor and Federal Reserve Board member GE does a very tidy, very profitable business in the process.

Over some period of time, though, solar might become viable, and in some localized instances wind may make sense too.  Both are highly dependent on the environment, though, so some equivalent of a coal or wood fire would be good, in which if the fire is dying down, you just add bricks or logs.

We could have dozens of "kilns" (I will call them), and keep only those occupied for which there is a need.  Power output could be scaled real time to power demand.

Who knows?  Perhaps even small communities could one day have such arrangements, perhaps even houses, with microton bombs.

I am a staunch opponent of the idea that humans are having a significant, or even measurable, impact on global temperatures as a result of using plentiful and easily deployed fuels.  At the same time, I do not oppose efficiency per se, and this might be a step in that direction.

Sacred and Profane

As I said in a previous post, "Allahu Akbar" can mean "I am getting ready to shit on God and curse the righteous".  It can also of course mean "I am grateful for my existence, made possible by the only God there is, and intend to serve the cause of righteousness diligently."  This latter is never the meaning when someone is preparing to commit, or celebrating, murder, particularly of innocents.

All phrases--all "gestures", to use a term common in Kum Nye for both physical and emotional movements--mean what our inner reality projects into the universe.  This is already in, I guess, Wittgenstein, or perhaps Korszybski, one of whom I  believe said that the meaning of a communication is what is understood by the recipient.

But this goes beyond that.  Let us posit a universal recipient, an omniscient God, or perhaps merely angels who at our level are functionally omniscient.  What are you saying?  What would be heard by a Being capable of comprehending the entirety of that "gesture" which is your incarnation in this world, and what you have done with it?  This is the question we need to ask when dealing with questions of sin and redemption. 

One of my favorite books, although I have not taken it up in some years, is Idries Shah's "Wisdom of the Idiots", which is a collection of Sufi teaching stories.  I have long felt an emotional affection for, and attachment to, the Sufi Way.  It is not to be my way in this life: I am much too far afield culturally.  But they offer many useful truths. 

One of them is that Sufis hide in many disguises, and that of "profane" can be one of them.  It is your inner gesture that matters.

Blessings, Part Two

I forgot a very important element in the previous post: all blessings flow from God, through high level teachers we may call angels, in declining grades, until they reach us, and if we do our job, that water flows to those below us. It is the same energy, but simply in much lower quantities, if we can speak of quantity when quality is what matters.  God is infinite--and God is both feminine and masculine, in the sense of comprising as a small element of His/Her being all the possible emotional attributes of humans; actually, what we have are receptors that receive certain frequencies of an infinite spectrum--but there is something beyond God.  God is all the potential and actual energy and form in the universe.  But God exists within an infinite space, about which we can know little in this life.  This was a vision I saw the last time I did Holotropic Breathwork.  We talk about our experiences in those sessions, but there has been much I did not share.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Valerie Jarrett

It is odd that Republicans have not done a better job of seizing on the fact that all of Obama's "decisions" are seemingly first vetted by an Iranian Communist.

Obama can be attacked on so many fronts I have literally lost count.  This, however, is a big one.  Put her picture out there.  Make it an issue.


I will offer my postscript up front, as I do periodically, that I am well aware my posts are all over the place.  My view is, fuck it, this is my blog.  I'll say what I want to, even if it makes no sense to other people, and even if my tone is "uneven." or people think I'm nuts.  I'm like a box of chocolates.. . .

I was reading a Tibetan cookbook the other day, and the author spoke of a Tibetan monk she once hosted who insisted on offering a prayer of gratitude.  He put a pinch of tea in a cup, and filled it to overflowing with water or tea from the teapot, and said something to the effect that his blessings, too, were overflowing.  This is also of course a Bible verse, the only part of which I remember is "my cup runneth over" (we read the King James Bible).  I'm pretty sure David said it.

So I do this when I think about it.  And I was doing it yesterday when this image suddenly appeared to me of water flowing downward.  I exist in a line of spiritual beings, who upstream are vastly superior to me, and it is my job to transmit their knowledge to those downstream from me.  People do not become "spiritual" so much as learn to allow spiritual energy to flow through them unimpeded.  It is not what I do, but what I am able to allow.  An analogy would be with electrical lines: the thicker ones can carry more current.

So a proper blessing is to thank your teachers for their love, and to be granted the wisdom and grace to transmit what you have been granted downstream, in an unbroken chain of spiritual energy.  Being me, I have countless ways of saying this, and I think if you really approach it with the proper spirit, some variation is both inevitable and desirable.  Robots are not needed.  And words are not actually needed either.  This is very much a case where what you are looking for is best described when it is seen as THAT. 

But I like this image, and thought I would pass it along. 

Nukes and honor

Alex Jones assumed that the "loose" nukes, which were moved without paperwork, were being moved at the request of the Administration, for unclear reasons.

But is it not also possible that those Generals were trying to get their hands on nukes to use for various purposes in the event the American people have to launch an insurgency against a government which has rejected the law of the land, and overstepped its lawful authority to an extent no other option remains?

Obama is clearly trying to eliminate people capable of individual thought, people with the backbone to directly oppose policies whose intent is more or less obviously to degrade our armed forces, all while creating Billion bullet inventories, tanks, and other assault weaponry for the Committee for Public Safety.  Scratch that, the Department of Homeland Security.

Clearly, purges are going on: http://mobile.wnd.com/2013/10/top-generals-obama-is-purging-the-military/#S4bUxH6gDrybhsXA.01

These are Stalin-style purges, where anyone even suspected of disloyalty is being removed. 

But here is the thing: this is America, not Russia, and we have breathed the air of freedom now for several centuries, and even the biggest pussy on the block cannot be counted on if Obama launches a full blown coup REGARDLESS of the circumstances, which we can assume will be severe (epidemic, economic crisis, nuke, all originating with Obama's backers).

Obama--and more importantly Valerie Jarrett--cannot know how our military will react when facing unique circumstances.  They cannot assume they will stand idly by while Einsatzgruppen scoop up political opponents and make them disappear.  They cannot assume individuals will not attack their own units.  They cannot assume all units will obey orders to fire on dissidents.

To my way of thinking, the best, most useful course of action for true patriots in the military is to shut up, not make noise, and outwardly act obedient.  There is no point complaining and letting them identify you.  You know how this thing works.  Don't post negative comments ANYWHERE.  Don't talk openly with any but your closest friends.  Don't scowl when you salute pictures of Obama (if this is something people do: I know his picture is in most buildings as being at the top of the chain of command).  If you have to take lie detectors or loyalty oaths, figure out how to beat them.  Play poker.

Wait and see.  If we are lucky, we get Rand Paul or Ted Cruz in the White House in 2016, and are able to start dismantling this machinery of oppression.

If we are not lucky--if Jarrett feels too desperate--then you will be positioned in the places where you can do the most good. 

The goal is to make the risk so high that it is never taken.  Looking in as well as looking out, the goal is deterrence through potential strength.


I have in recent weeks been getting to some very deep emotional places.  I have recovered feelings from very early childhood, before I could walk, which I have reconciled in the manner of a detective solving a crime with notes from my baby book.   I have been tracing, watching, my development from an emerging emotional place which can put distance on it, which can see a line between then and now, points of transition, inflection.

As part of this process I checked a couple comic books--I will likely never stop calling them that, Peking Peking, Bombay Bombay, and the  Koran the Koran--and have been reading one over the last day.  It takes me back, because I used to read a lot of them, as well as science fiction and fantasy novels.  It is, for any nerds out there, a graphic retelling of the stories of Fafrhd and the Gray Mouser, by Fritz Lieber.  I read him, and Fred Saberhagen, and Roger Zelazny, Heinlein (of course), Asimov (of course), and many others.

And in the same spirit that I try to do Movie Yoga, I am watching what reading this thing is doing to me, and what I am seeing is that it is activating what I have proposed be called the Innocent Self.  It is the part that feels, that reacts behind the defensive shield even when I don't realize it.

What comic books do is give voice to this self, which is particularly needed in people who are awkward, socially sensitive, and thus unable to process experience, and especially social experience.

What are kids (and no small number of adults, apparently) doing when they play Dungeons and Dragons?  Are they not creating a forum for the interaction of their Innocent Self with others, all while retaining the normal emotional walls outside of the games?  Are they not creating the space for the feeling of emotional movement, without the risk?  They are saying that part of their self is out there, not in here.

And here is what I wanted to say: Communism is nothing but Dungeons and Dragons for people who want to remain in the social sphere, but not be of it.  It deals exclusively with fantasy, with abstraction, with things and processes and histories that are not real.  It is a self contained, solipsistic system, which, again, permits the feeling of engagement and connection without the emotional risk of ACTUAL engagement and connection.  There is no there, there.  I have used that line often, because it is apposite.  It is apposite for all narcissists--who are roughly the same people who used to be called ego maniacs.

And here is a vaguely interesting tidbit that may or may not be relevant: the God Fafrhd prays to is Kos.  I know Markos Moulitsas got his nickname in the Army, but I wonder if he is not also secretly aware of this.  I have always assumed the actual name of the blog was a play on Cause, and certainly I think giving emotionally empty people, whose heads are filled with precisely the sorts of fantasies I am describing here, something daily to obsess about, gripe about, or celebrate is both a primary purpose, and a reason for what success they have seen.

Again, the people there CLEARLY want to entertain fantasies.  That is why they have to kick dissidents off: they risk shattering some very congenial, and very NEEDED, pipe dreams.  I'm sure there is a fair amount of literal smoke hovering above many of those keyboards, but the rest are simply Dungeons and Dragons players who grew up just a little.

That these doctrines, these fantasies, have caused incalculable suffering is just one more thing it is hard for me to grasp, to truly get.   How does insanity propagate?  It seems clear it can only propagate in the absence of feedback, of connection with external ideas and influences.

True Liberalism is about ideological diversity.  It is about different sorts of people, who believe different things, who behave in different ways, figuring out how to live in peace with one another.

That is not at all the project leftists set themselves.  They want conformity.

I have more to say, but need to do things out there.

Actually, I will add one more thing: I think--because I am intelligent, have made a study of the process of organized and effective thinking, and because I have over a long period of time exposed my ideas to critical scrutiny--that my ideas are useful.  At the same time, I am not as different emotionally from the denizens of the Daily Cause as I would like.  I used to spend 3-4 hours every day debating/arguing on the internet.

Are ideas important?  Of course.  Everything we see and touch outside the natural world was once an idea.

But I also increasingly believe that this website, both my websites, and all the other voluminous writing I have put out there, or kept to myself, is simply symptom: that of an inability to process and reside in primary experience. In some respects, even when I post "deep" things, go deep places, this is STILL my version of Dungeons and Dragons.

Self evidently, I am working to change that, and frankly having some success.

Thursday, October 31, 2013


When imagination is not being used as a means for the creative solution of problems, in most cases it substitutes for the capacity to process present experience.  You can avoid what is in front of you by existing somewhere else.  The problem is that if you never "are", you can never become.
I had in mind here comic books, and dungeons and dragons, and science fiction and fantasy; but this applies equally to leftwing utopianism.  They don't count death as real.  They don't count suffering as real.  They don't count people as real, and they don't count themselves as real.

Edit: I would actually add some forms of "right wing" utopianism.  In principle, is John Galt's mountain hideout that different that varying iterations of a society founded on "reason", or "science", which is the claim made for Marxism?

This is an oldie but a goodie:

There are two novels that can transform a bookish 14-year-kid’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish daydream that can lead to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood in which large chunks of the day are spent inventing ways to make real life more like a fantasy novel. The other is a book about orcs.  Raj Patel (who based on the title of the book where this quote apparently occurred, is likely a leftist despite the 50 year failure of socialism in India.)

Be here, now.  Solve problems here, now.  If you are somewhere else, until you come back, no one needs you.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Nice piece on the militarization and indoctrination of substantially everyone who works for the government.

Obamacare and the Insurance Companies

In the same manner that large Wall Street banks wrote the so-called "Wall Street Reform"--which plainly was intended to strengthen and make more secure large banks, at the expense of small banks and the taxpayer--large insurance companies from what I can tell in large measure supported Obamacare.

I have long wondered about this.  It seems clear to me and most that Obamacare is intended to put them out of business.  Certainly, some of them, like United Healthcare, the biggest insurer, may be counting on taking over most of the market, then getting contracted by the government to provide ALL services in a single payer-like scenario.  Or maybe the top five.

Certainly in terms of enrollees they are only picking up between them perhaps 10% of the overall market, and Obamacare puts caps on how much profit they can make relative to revenues.

What now occurs to me is that at least for the next five years--and most CEO's of large corporations seem unable to think beyond that time window--most Americans will be required by law to buy health insurance policies of a grade and price beyond what they were buying, and those who are unable to buy them will now get subsidies from the government to pay for their insurance, which means that even the poor will be picking up expensive policies.

This means that net revenues overall will increase a LOT.  Not only are they bringing new people on, but they are able to force people, by law, to buy policies that are more expensive than they otherwise would have chosen.

When these insurance companies are sending out cancellation notices, they are thrilled.  Most normal middle class Americans will take the hit and pay the higher rate.  They are forcing people into more expensive and more profitable policies.  They may be constrained in profit percentages, but overall revenues will increase enormously; and in any event I don't think what is being forced on them is all that different than their historical norms, and certainly more than they would expect to see in an actually competitive market, where all carriers could sell all products in all States. I think most big insurance carriers have considered a 5% net profit an extremely good year for some time.

So the CEO's of Wellpoint, and United, and Humana and the others may have just said "fuck it.  Who knows what the future holds?  We can sure as hell make hay now."

Certainly, I am in a position to know that these companies have been expanding steadily for two years or more.  Now it makes more sense to me.

Again, if a leftist is talking, he or she is lying.  Here, they claimed to be socking it to the insurance companies.  And they may yet--to our collective detriment--but not until after a lot of us get fleeced, and a lot of executives get richer.