Saturday, August 20, 2016

Feeling numb

It is possible to feel numb.  I did it tonight.  I felt it tonight.

Here is the thing most people don't think about: if you can't feel something, it doesn't feel NUMB: it doesn't feel at all.  There is no sensation there.  The sensation is that there is no sensation, and if you're not expecting a sensation, there is no way to know it is missing.

And I felt tonight a thousand possibilities, like every pore in me COULD open, could participate in life, but is currently choosing not to.  This is a negotiation which will need to happen with my body.

But in the same sense that you cannot see censorship, politically, emotionally you cannot feel what you are not feeling.  You cannot know what is missing until it becomes possible, and what happens at that moment is you feel a lack which was not present before; you create a hole--perhaps "pregnable, or "open space" might work better--into which the new might possibly enter.

Ignorance is invisible.  This is an important point.  It takes LEARNING to see ignorance.  You must be searching, and seeing what should be there, but isn't.  This is task undertaken by very few.  Those who do, do so out of pain they cannot avoid.  That is certainly my own case.

Eventually, I hope that this process will become playful, fun, entertaining, the only worthy game in town.

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