Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Graduation

I hit a patch today where I started feel straight anxiety.  It was odd.  I'm not used to it.  I feel many things, but not mainlined anxiety.

And it hit me that I have graduated to simple fear, versus complex, "complexified" fear.  Simple fear responds to relaxation, to HRV training, even to a good nap.

What I have felt was terror, horror, disconnection.  What I have felt has often felt like a heavy weight, or a thick mud which made every last action, every last decision, an act of will, followed by another act of will if I wanted it to happen.  Pushing, pushing: this has been my lot for some time.

Every piece of work: I confront it, am pushed away, then I fight my way back.  Most work is done in a mildly dissociated state.

Straight fear, while unpleasant, is simple by contrast.

This life: I chose it.  My task is to map.  My task is to understand, based on my time spent in the belly of the beast.  My task is to say "this way.  I've traveled this route before."

I will get this done.  I am still debating details in my mind, but my commitment is my life, and it is absolute.

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