Friday, September 2, 2016

Shame

I feel that shame is EXACTLY equal to social disconnection.

Now, we speak of shaming people.  We speak of shame-based cultures.  Implicit in this word, as used there, is that an act has been committed which has caused a reaction in others such that they are socially excluded.

But in Developmental Trauma Disorder, the issue is that person was never properly socialized to begin with.  They never entered human society with a fundamental trust in, and sense of safety with, other people. Their--my--first impulse is to say NO to everything.  To say yes you need trust.  That trust is not there, because the sense of safety was never established at a primitive level.

To the point, though, I think if you could take physiological and neurological snapshots of someone feeling shame for having been banished from their group, and someone who never entered the group in the first place, they would be very similar.  The speed with which a shamed person might reenter the group, if atonement is performed, is of course vastly faster, since there is a history upon which to draw.

For myself, I feel there is some part of me which responds to my every effort at personal growth and doing the "right things" (diet, exercise, etc.) with BULLSHIT.  Some part of me feels another part of me is a bad salesman with a cheap tie and a fake smile.  It is maddening to feel, but gratifying to see.  You cannot correct problems you cannot see.  So realizing how bad you are fucking up is major progress.

And this is not really fucking up.  It is trying to deal consciously and patiently and systematically with problems I did not create and could not have prevented in any way, given my birth conditions and birth parents.

But I propose this condition, which also fosters self defeating behaviors, since our organism is likely organized to respond to social shaming with attempts at atonement, much in the way you will see dogs apologize for screwing up, be called psychic snow.  It is cold.  It surrounds you.  And it must be thawed.

I may come up with something better, but I think much of time you need new words to think new thoughts.  We need never be limited by language, because we can always make up new words.  Never doubt your perception because you have not seen what you feel described.  Perception precedes and vastly exceeds description. 

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