Friday, October 20, 2017

Bon mots

I have this notion I have articulated from time to time of perceptual breathing, of a global perceptual In-Breath, and a global perceptual Out-Breath. Large to small to large to small.

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Sometimes you need the thousand words, and more.
Sometimes pith is the essence of wit, sometimes wisdom speaks long and carefully.

Be all that as it may:

Addiction is not the problem: it is the RESPONSE to the problem.

Love is when you feel completely safe with someone without using denial.

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Excuse making

No sane person will deny that life is often hard.  Whether it SHOULD be hard or not is a philosophical question, but that it is for many people is clear.

We are all born where we are born, to parents who may or may not want us, who may or may not teach us useful lessons, who may in fact inflict pain on us, and denigrate us.

Where you are is where you are.  Nothing can change this.  Given this, if you stipulate, through excuses, that you are helpless, then you have taken your own destiny out of your hands.  You have given in to helplessness, and this in turn makes whatever pain may be present worse.

I think most people make excuses.  Certainly I do.  My feeling is that my excuses are often reasons--which may or may not be true, although if I'm honest it likely isn't true--but they are reason on a path to personal accountability.  I take frequent breaks climbing the mountain, but I look at the summit often, and when I am done resting, I continue climbing.

It is perfectly acceptable to ask for help, but it is never consistent with a healthy sense of self, of healthy self empowerment, to demand of others that they do for you things you can do for yourself.

This is an axiom of genuinely Liberal culture.  This is an axiom of good people. 

The alternative is people USING other people for their own selfish and unhealthy ends.  Some people need to infantilize other people, so they can remain perennial parents.  Not because they are good parents, or care-givers, but because it gives them a sense of power when others depend on them, which is easily rationalizable as morality.

This is the root dynamic of race relations in this country.  The political Left tells blacks that it will care for them, and far too many blacks are content to take them at their word.

Again: this is spoken from a place impatient with the low self esteem implied by the complicity of ordinary blacks in this system.  Black people are capable of vastly more than they are showing as a cultural group at the moment.  They are capable of genius.  They just need to believe it.

We all make excuses, and in my view, there is no warrant for judging people for it.  At the same time, it is perfectly reasonable to hope for other people what they fear to hope for themselves.

Principle of Personal Protection

As I have noted often, many people--most, perhaps all--have many "parts", which can and do send contradictory signals.  I would like to assert that in the presence of combined passive aggression and apparent courtesy, the most damaging signal should be treated as the primary one, even if it is subtle and intermittent.

Particularly when you try hard to consciously focus on the most obvious, most socially acceptable one, the second one becomes vastly more damaging, because it becomes  a virtual hypnotic suggestion that you deserve such treatment.  To combat it effectively, you have to ignore the socially acceptable parts of the communication, and focus on the damaging signal, because in reality it IS the primary one.  It comes from the root of that person's consciousness.

To the extent all these notions of unconscious racism have validity, this is the source.  At the same time, you do not change how people REALLY think by forcing them to avoid certain words, or to avoid expressing certain thoughts.  The feelings remain, and will always find an out.  As with feminism as well, the best offense is generalized success.  If blacks want to eliminate racism, they need to start graduating from high school at the same rate as the kids in the suburbs, working as hard as those kids, and taking responsibility for their families.  They need to stop blaming the world, and need to stop looking to leaders who encourage them to do so. 

These are not things you are supposed to say, but it is the truth.  It may be that vigorously policing peoples expressed ideas eliminates or reduces psychological discomfort among blacks--I'm sure it does--but it does not raise the standard of living, make the streets safer, make the schools better, or increase the number of good quality jobs.  It doesn't.

Returning to my main theme, I would in fact suggest that there is a covert hostility--or at least actual racism--inherent in the ideas that whites need to "look out for" blacks, that they depend in inherent ways on the political system, and that they need to be guided through life like little children.  These ideas--particularly since they are not expressed in clear language--weaken them.  If the Irish, Jews or Italians had had friends like the modern Democrats, they too would still be impoverished in disproportionate numbers.

And in dealing with narcissists, the double communication is the main source of damage.  In order to delay the realization that they are radically alone and incapable of honest human contact, the narcissist--particularly in "romantic" relationships--will often offer to the other the same esteem in which they hold themselves.  This appears to be generosity, but it is simply a cloaking device, a concealment, a trick they don't even mean to play.  With most, I don't even think it is conscious.  It is simply who they are.  They have a behavioral soundtrack that they play through, then reset at the beginning with the next one.

Grandiosity, though, betrays an inner lack.  Conversely, GENUINE humility--which is rare--indicates an inner fullness and richness of experience.  You don't need to always be right, because the world is a fascinating, large place, and there is much you don't know.

All of this, of course, is personally relevant to me.  My work continues, as does success.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Gun control

All human action begins in the body, is processed by the brain--some brain--and expressed symbolically if communication is desired, most commonly through language. Language, in turn, both expresses ideas AND creates them. Images we form are often in response to words. This primitive feelings can go through many forms, themselves constantly changing and evolving.

The deliberate abuse of language is a deliberate abuse of ones fellow humans.  Conversely, consciously accurate use of language is a form of compassion and even love.

Hence: gun control is the effort to reduce illegal gun use by reducing legal gun use.

Corollary: gun control is the effort to reduce the number of illegal guns by reducing the number of legal guns.

I would stipulate John Lotts phrase should have a word added: more LEGAL guns, less crime. This is a highly defensible statement. It may be that low crime areas exist without guns--this is certainly true-/but I very much doubt there are any high crime areas outside war zones where legal gun ownership is common. Witness much of South and Central America.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

King of Hollywood

This song is from 1979:

There are others.

What is interesting about this whole Hollywood thing is that the open secret has become simply open, or is in the process of doing so.

In every other business, sexual harassment has been punished quickly and severely for decades now.  The question is why it has been allowed to continue in Hollywood, with both men and women coming out now in large numbers.

I was reading an op/ed citing a rabbi who claimed that the Times piece on Weinstein was the result of his plan to make a philo-Semitic movie about the Warsaw Ghetto, and they found that politically unacceptable.  I suspect, though, that they had no idea how many rats would come fleeing out as well.

It seems likely left-wing culture itself made the sexual harassment possible.  It both stipulates that all sex is meaningless, that one should pursue pleasure at all times and all costs, and that the cause is always more important than any individual sacrifices.  Weinstein was a staunch leftist, so hurting him was hurting Democrats was hurting whoever it is that person thought they actually helped.  The little people, lets say, or oppressed minorities who would otherwise be completely helpless.

Weinstein knew everybody, and they seem to have known him.  We might call this the "Bill Clinton" principle, that all sins are forgiven if you are on the right side, because, again, the cause exceeds any sacrifice.  Paula Jones and the rest of them were just the price of progress, so called.

It will be interesting to see if the naked and undeniable double standard being displayed everywhere at the moment will open any eyes.

For his part, Trump seems to have been quite astute at picking willing women.  Weinstein was pretty much a "I'll fuck anything that moves, bring me meat", but Trump has always seemed to me to truly enjoy feminine beauty for its own sake, and the company of intelligent, individuated women.  He may have grabbed pussies, but if so, those woman likely consented at some point, and slept with him because they wanted to. 

Trump has been sued over 4,000 times, but not ONCE for sexual harassment.  Ponder the odds of that: a multi-billionaire playboy not sued once.  And I have never seen one allegation of hush money, which have trailed Bill Clinton and Weinstein (and others) all their careers.

Here is the thing: I think Weinstein and Clinton HATE women.  Sex becomes a means of punishing them, of asserting power and dominance over them.  This is the real turn-on, which makes it so the target doesn't matter at all.  They are all--perhaps, if I might indulge myself in some psycho-dynamic oversimplification--their mothers.

I think of Fellini's City of Women, which presumably echoed Freudian themes, but I do not think Freud was fully wrong about everything.  He always got to the right intersection, then made the wrong turn.

Monday, October 9, 2017

On the Shortness of Life

Despite being only 12 pages, and free, I found myself skimming this after a close reading of the first 5 or so. He goes on and on about the importance of time--which is a useful topic--but fails to tell us what it is we should be doing.  He merely conveys the regrets of many, and the failures of the few who lived as he counsels.

This is a paradox of our own time.  We have, relative to at least our recent past, much leisure.  It is possible, for example, for someone to make a best seller of a book titled "The Four Hour Work Week".  But we don't know what to do with it.  That same author seems to find himself now working 60 hour weeks, not just because of money, but because he doesn't seem to know what to do with himself.  He "meditates" daily for 20 minutes or so, because it "sharpens his mind".  It is a best practice of high achievers.

I read many billionaires are now micro-dosing with LSD to make them more "creative".  Creative to what purpose?  Amassing another billion?  A fifth billion?  Becoming the wealthiest man in the world?  Why?  What does this get, if not leisure?  I get that making money is a game to them, that it is autotelic, but on a deep level is such play an important part of life?  They could get the same satisfaction surfing, without needing to be cuthroat, as so many are.  There is not just a play element, but a power element, and the thirst for power is inherently sick.

Such people cannot be role models.  They have no idea what to do with life.  Whatever they are focused on, it is not learning how to love and be loved, how to relax deeply, and how to get at the deep and rich spirit of each and every day, which to my mind and heart are the points of life, and which I, in my own way, pursue each day.  I still ache everywhere, and I still have much work to do, but I am on the path much more than any billionaire, or even most millionaires you might read about.

What to do with time?  That it can be wasted is clear, but what constitutes the best and highest use is made no more clear by the current passion among many for the Stoics.

Socrates, for his part, considered "philosophy"--the love of Truth--the highest use of time.  And he ended his life only able to say he knew nothing.  Is this really the Summum Bonum upon which to base the edifice of our civilization?  That, or the deconstruction of the notion of truth, and a following obsession with material well being, or lunatic schemes of social engineering, in which men become at best herd animals?

The answer is in your body.  It is not in your mind, unless by mind we intend the integrated heart and mind conjured by such words as the Hindi "Mun".

I continue to see stupid people.  It is my curse.  Perhaps I am stupid, too.  I am willing to consider that.  But my body tells me I am on the right, if difficult, path.


You can only see the future through the lens of the present.  Anything else is a lie.

Corollary: if you cannot see the present, you have no business speaking of the future.

Obviously, both of these are large problems at the moment, and have been for a long time.

Friday, October 6, 2017

What I see

I was looking out of the windows of an office building yesterday, pondering the mass murder in Las Vegas. It was raining, and there was mist everywhere, and what I saw was birds eating worms and bugs. Large birds eating smaller birds and rodents. Fish eating bugs, and large fish eating smaller fish. I saw animals dying of hunger and cold. I saw them fucking obsessively in the spring.

What I might assert as the Luciferian Principle argued that if God doesn't care, why should we? CLEARLY, He does not prevent evil, does not prevent pain, does not obviously shelter and guide us.

What is remarkable is not that violence happens, but that we have evolved ways to make it less common.

Paddock clearly suffered from PTSD. He would lay in bed and moan and scream. I can relate.

Here is the point I want to make here, and I could say much more, but I lack time: at this moment in human history, given all the shelters and frameworks we have created, violence is almost intrinsically the result of trauma. If we, as human beings, want to evolve to the next phase of our cultural evolution, we MUST put trauma front row and center, and deploy ample resources so that where it is present, it can reliably be diminished.

My vision is a new cultural form I have been calling a "church". I have spoken of this before, but I am approaching a point where I think I can take effective action. I have always been a bigger talker than doer, but what I have in mind is quite small. That is my source of relative confidence.

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Who we are

I think across a lifetime who we become is directly dependent on what we think is possible. For this reason I tend to think the best way of "defining" someone is by the sum total of what they think is possible, even if they are never able to manifest everything they see (I am of course speaking somewhat autobiographically there).

Most or all of us expand to the point beyond which we think "more" is impossible, at which point our lives become recursive.

Me, I see a massive fog, and I make no claim to know how far back it goes, but it speaks to me regularly. That is what this blog is.

I felt disgust with this blog the other day, and thought about discontinuing it. I am putting myself out there, to little seeming purpose. I have no followers, and few readers. But then it hit me that I ENJOY having ideas pass through me, and if the fog cannot plausibly see me as a conduit, then the ideas will stop, and I too will become a circle, or in any event more circular. Posting to no one is the price I pay to be me, and as fucking awful as it sometimes is to be me, I like being me. I would not change lives with anyone on this planet. This is my path, my choice, my destiny. This is beautiful.

All moments matter but no moments matter

Hete is a purpose of life: the spontaneous expression of complex order generated through regular moments of contact with the Transcendant.

I have spoken of Henomoralism, but what Henoreligiosity? What if one were to determine to take up a different religion, diligently, every decade of ones life?

Henotelearchy--differing organizing values and purposes at different times. Perhaps sometimes we should treat time as the ultimate object of value, as counseled by Seneca in "On the Shortness of Life". (I'm only a third of the way through, so I may be missing his ultimate point).

But perhaps sometimes we need big fat gaps of time. Ponder the fact that "work", and a productive life generally, consists mainly in meditation in the Buddhist tradition. Many monks scarcely leave their monasteries in long lifetimes, and never marry.

Life is a large ocean, and we are floating in it. Land emerged from time to time, for reasons we don't understand. The sun, moon and stars are our constant companions, and the whole interface between here and there, between a small present and an infinite one, is fascinating.

I have no idea what I am saying, by the way. Maybe you can tell me how this makes any sense.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

Operative hypothesis

Like many, I am waiting eagerly for news on the Vegas shooter. Since I don't personally deal well with recognized large gaps in my understanding, I am going to offer a provisional hypothesis I will amend or discard as new facts-/which may or may not be forthcoming--emerge.

I read Paddock had far more weapons than he could have hoped to use himself. I read they found Antifa (which I will henceforth refer to as Fascist) literature in his room. I read there is a police account and a different account as to when he checked in. I read he apparently had a guest

Put all this together, along with low simmering unresolved emotional trauma, and relentless left wing propaganda calling for violent  resistance to the expressed will of the American people, and a relatively high IQ, and what I get is this guy conceiving an excellent scheme for the mass murder of likely Trimp supporters. I see him inviting many people to join him, at least one of whom actually visited his room. I see him sharing Fascist literature with him or her, and showing off his gun collections, and all the windows looking down on the spot where the country show was going to be.

I see cops reaching this conclusion early and going on a hunt for people who knew of his plans to due to direct invitation, and who chose not to join him on his suicide mission, which was the part they objected to, not the murder part, for which they applauded him, as some leftists have had the audacity and cruelty to do publicly.

So a hunt begins, with little information to go on. Perhaps he effectively wiped all his devices. Perhaps he left few clues. Perhaps there were no cameras in his hall, leaving them to guess who, among tens of thousands of visitors--many of whom were not guests--might have come to see him. This would be a MASSIVE undertaking and until they can get a confession--unlikely even if they find someone who knew--they have nothing.

His girlfriend has a practiced alibi and nobody can prove she knew anything g.

So in the end, after tens of thousands of hours of work, they have to propose a possibly radicalized lone shooter as their best guess, not wanting the public to know their real best guess is that up to dozens of people may have gotten away with complicity to mass murder.

The Parallax View

Does anyone remember this movie? It changed my world in some ways. Things are not always what they seem.

Something is screwy in this whole Paddock thing but he is dead, and we may never know who else to question.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017


What functional difference could there be between the Communist rejection of "bourgeois morality"  and Aleister Crowley dictum "Do what thou will"?

On the note of Communism, Paul Johnson makes the interesting argument that the obsession with the money-obsessed Capitalist by Marx is really just a metastasized anti-Semitism, and the abuse of groups of people based on collective crimes by Lenin and those who followed him--such as efforts to destroy Kulaks, and the bourgeoisie generally--were morphologically pogroms in a classic Russian sense. People were pulled from their homes, beaten, jailed and/or killed, and their possessions confiscated.

It is an interesting thesis.

Hate makes hate. Marx apparently asked Heine, with whom he was acquainted, "Why so much love, and not more of the lash?"  Heine, for his part, lamented the grotesque violence he saw in the future of socialism, even if he was in many respects sympathetic.

Why 23 guns?

Why 2 windows shot out?

Could it be that many people were invited or even expected to show up? Could it be there were multiple shooters , who returned their guns to Paddocks room before the cops got there?

I can't know. But one or two or three guns with plenty of ammo is all one needs for mass murder.

It would seem an obvious step to find and question everyone who rented a room on that side of the building. Maybe some chickened out.

Monday, October 2, 2017

It's beautiful, Man!!!

Does anyone else remember Tom Cruise, before Tom Cruise was Tom Cruise, shooting a machine gun out a window in Taps?  As I recall, when Timothy Hutton confronted him, he said "It's beautiful, man!!!" just before both of them were wiped out in a volley of automatic fire.

Can any serious human being really argue that continual--and continually increasing--violence in our media has no effect?  To my mind, it has the dual effect of making people more afraid and thus more emotionally restrained and superficial, and the following effect of making them feel more  lonely, since they have shut down the pathways to the outside.

Take this basic alienation, and the ability to nurse a grievance--real, or much more often perceived--and you get this sort of violence.

How is it people who appear continually in violent movies can tout gun control?  They are complicit in making violence seem to be an answer to many of life's problems.  Do not many American men idolize as badasses men like Vito Corleone and Tony Montana?

This madman may or may not have bought his weapons legally, but even if we ban them, the possibility of such shootings does not disappear.  Whoever controls a monopoly on the effective use of force has accumulated power, and accumulated power is sooner or later always abused.  I wonder how the referendum in Catalonia would have played out if guns were allowed in Spain?  More violence, certainly, but also perhaps more circumspection in the use of force by the authoritarian regime in Madrid.  I read some 800 people were injured.  If that is not a species of fascism--and I will recall for you that Spain was formally Fascist until the mid-70's--then I don't know what would count.

Orchestra Rehearsal

Federico Fellini made a movie doing some combination of satirizing and lamenting the Italian political world, although I'm sure he knew it extended farther, in a movie called Orchestra Rehearsal.  To play beautiful music, self evidently, all the sections need to get along.  When they fail to do so--if the winds are fighting with the brass, for example--it becomes impossible.

Other than that thousands of tons of supplies are piling up on the dock in San Juan, and that only 20% of the drivers who should be distributing it have showed up for work, no firm statements can be made, but it does appear the local Teamsters have chosen this time for a de facto sit-down/slow-down strike.  A video in Spanish which, it is claimed, supports this is making the rounds.

What makes America special--the reason we outperform so many nations economically and in actual social justice--is that we tend to be able to put aside our petty differences in countless ways, and work together for common aims.  This, despite our cultural and racial diversity, which the Japanese, as one example, do not deal with at all.

When Houston became a vast lake, Americans of all stripes and backgrounds pulled together to help out.  People were not worried about getting paid, or whether or not they were getting a fair shake.  Work needed to be done, and it got done, and is getting done.

Puerto Rico, on the other hand, now, is showing exactly why it was in terrible trouble before the literal storm hit.  Selfishness, laziness, resentment, and an unquenchable desire to shift blame all seem to be on prominent display.  I want mine and fuck you seems to be a common sentiment.

Now, I'm not there, and I'm sure there is a lot of sharing going on.  I'm also sure there is a lot of stealing and score settling going on too.  This is why they are who they are, and why we--and yes, culturally we are a different nation, clearly--who we are.

Success is not an accident.  This is claimed by people who know nothing about hard work and long term planning, for whom stealing equals the only growth they will ever know.  But it is not the American way.  We have thieves, but nearly everyone who gains wealth did it in one way, and one way only.

Latest atrocity Trump's fault!!!

Media still working on why, and what his motive was.

Seriously: in what sane world does being hated become reason for hate?  One could as easily say--as many have throughout history--that Jews should be hated because everyone hates them.

I continue to be astonished by the emotional and intellectual superficiality on display everywhere.  I continue to wonder when and if the media and those who constitute and run it will awaken from their spell.  Yes, I get that the people at the top are completely cynical and believe in nothing but power, and power alliances, and Trump does not get them those things.  But the rank and file: how fucking stupid, for how long, can you be?

As far as this latest tragedy--oh, I hate to read the news sometimes--we will see what explanation we get, but the story seems to be two pissed off local hispanics--the term used by a woman who spoke with them, even if the term the media has latched onto was "Asian" for the woman, which in NewSpeak usually means Muslim--attacking a country music concert attended largely by white rednecks.

Can we not suppose anti-Trump hatred--for which he bears no responsibility--is in play?  Can we not, in fact, blame the media for relentless, white-hot Agitation Propaganda?

This is simply a guess, and particularly if I am right, we may never know it, but I think it is close to the mark.  You cannot run the equivalent of a Nazi campaign of structural anti-Semitism and not expect less-hinged people to take it literally and start killing people.

The hate needs to stop.  It won't--the Left is far too emotionally gone for self reflection--but in a sane world it would.  I don't know what the solution is.  In my small world, in my small way, I continue to work for local antidotes, and am making progress.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

A gathering of intellectuals

Is a gathering of ideas, and perhaps personalities, but not people.

Is there not an inherent anti-humanism in the idea that ideas are what matter most?

Corrolary: you can dedicate yourself to humanity, or to the IDEA of humanity, but you cannot do both.

Intellectualism and Communitarianism

I feel, as someone who could reasonably call himself "intellectual", that what a lifelong obsession with abstraction--at least with regards the abstraction of "life"-- really bespeaks is an unquenched emotional thirst for a sense of existence.  It is a rebellion against, and a shelter from, tides which seek to devour me.  Existentialism was itself, paradoxically, an unanswered pursuit of the sense of existence.  This is what I feel.  And I feel that being devoured, there is another side.  It is not madness: it is health.

I think what all intellectuals crave is a simple existence where they belong.  I think in this psychological dynamic we can find the unrelenting obsession with community, itself expressed politically as left wing activism, as a community in the future, as a community for other people.

Utopia becomes an emotional ideal, where one belongs without psychological risk.  We are, obviously, all surrounded by an expanse of people.  Community is always there, in possibility.  Where not present, it can be formed, concretely.  But it requires risk, and losing a taste for risk, true risk, is a defining feature of most people who live lives apart from the mass of humanity, who rarely or never come down, who are always at a distance, even when physically or virtually present, even when frothing out clouds of words.

My work continues to bear fruit in ways I am increasingly less inclined to discuss here.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Thin Yellow Line

This is an interesting story, if true:

It seems very obvious to me that there cannot be uniformity of opinion among NFL players. It seems most likely a few very vocal but dim witted people are yelling a lot in the locker room and cowing people into supporting them.

Like police, like military, sports teams need each other. They need to be able to depend on one another. And this Oakland story, if true, shows what can happen if individuals go their own way.

So even there is no unity at all, a front of unity is being presented.

If the Russians---or any other group or interest, like George Soros--truly do aim to undermine American faith in our institutions, getting idiotic and morally incoherent politics introduced into what should be a non-political arena would be a great way to do it.

Now, we clearly idolize sports and sports heroes much too much in any event, so this cannot be called a major cultural loss, but it will be interesting to see how things play out. Net good may come of it, albeit not for the NFL.

Friendship Cafes

What if there were restaurants where they provided a dining companion to people who were dining alone? If they wanted them, of course.

I would like to suggest as well that men use bars and strangers in much the same way that women use their support networks. Men who hate to broach certain subjects even with their friends will often do so with strangers after a few beers.  I have seen this often.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Mark of the Beast

Perhaps the Mark of the Beast is having no personally distinguishing characteristics or beliefs whatsoever.  You are marked by belonging to an undifferentiated herd.

There is no diversity in 666 either, is there?

A world gone crazy

No one can deny Donald Trump is a bit of a clown.  His hair, his bad spray on tan, and his serial marriages, among other things, count against him.

But his undeniable, categorical, CLEAR virtue is a willingness to speak obvious truths, knowing in advance that he will be pilloried by most of the media, who are SHOCKED, OUTRAGED, that anyone would defend common sense patriotism.

What do we have left, if we do not believe in the promise of our nation?  We have always believed in progress, but progress within the system.  Trump would be called courageous, if so many people were not trying to make him into a gargantuan, Godzilla-like monster.  He is speaking obvious truths, when speaking the truth makes him an outlaw, an outsider, since the world otherwise is filled with lies, half truths, and misdirection.

I really feel that Communism is really nothing more, and nothing less, than the final failure of an individual to find a personal purpose in their lives.  It is the final expression of despair and pessimism.  It is reaching the bottom of life, finding nothing, then grasping at the only straw left to grasp.  It is willing a superior power--the State--to create law for you, so that you can be free from freedom, so that you no longer need to control your own life, so that someone forces you into something like life.  It is willing oneself to be a robot.  It is taking a potion which makes you a zombie, because you have nothing else.

This really is a critically important question: how do you psychologically normal people become Communists?  Answer: they don't.  You have to already be fucked up in the head, and then it is a salve, a balm, a sunny day in a cold winter.  It is warmth, intoxicating.  And it is so SIMPLE.  Just give your freedom away, and you find peace.  That it is cultish is obvious.  That some people need cults is equally obvious.

Culturally, everything which breeds a taste for ugliness, which damages the sacred, which nurtures moral and existential pessimism, anger, and depression, works to support the Communist ethos, which is concrete blocks, hunger, colorful banners, and hidden torture and execution chambers.  It is also psychological torture camps they call " re-education" camps, where people are taught to all think the same things, say the same things, and reject FULLY any pretension to individual moral thought, to any personal destiny, to anything like a loving God, and to hope in any form. 

It is, in other words, a massive coffin, the land of the undead, and a vampires paradise.

The Sacred

I think we are biologically--and spiritually--driven to consider some things sacred.  There is ordinary and there is special.  There is this-world, and something beyond it.  We need this sense of transcendance, which can be represented with physical objects, rituals, or sacred texts.  As I say, I am listening to a history of the Jews, and some apparently meditate on the Hebrew alphabet, which they consider sacred.

All of us, put another way, need some deep order.  Even early Buddhist monks carried the dharma with them.  Wandering, with no creed, they would have simply been lost.  Having something to hold enabled them to mutate and grow within an ordered internal world.

I have been in fact contemplating the idea in recent days that Judaism's main accomplishment was creating a stable social organism capable of learning and retaining secular ideas, which became old and wise.

In America, we are a highly diverse people.  We offer freedom, and ask very little for it.  You can live your life as you see fit.  Except in some small towns, nobody cares if you go to church, and we are even willing to tolerate people who call publicly for authoritarian government, as Antifa for example does continually.

Thus, publicly well known people attacking the National Anthem and flag symbolically is not a minor thing.  It is one of the only things left that binds us together.  It is a ceremony, a ritual, in which we all say symbolically that, our differences notwithstanding, we are all in this together.  The differences are very obvious and literal in the case of the fans of two opposing teams sitting intermingled with one another.

That football--or any other player, as this may or may not stop with the NFL--have the RIGHT to publicly shit on their American heritage is unquestioned.  Nobody, certainly not me, should be calling for legal sanctions on publicly expressed opinions, no matter how stupid and counter-productive they may be.

But what is the appropriate reaction to someone attempting to spit in your face and missing?  That they tried to insult you is clear, and that no concrete, real harm was done is equally clear. 

For my part, I don't even understand what it is they think they are protesting.  Should the deaths by homicide of several thousand blacks every year not factor into the equation?  Should the fact that even when cops kill people, a lot of the time the cops themselves are black not count?

And what do they want done?  To "raise awareness"?  How could anyone have failed to see the leftist narratives that have been on continuous display at least since Obama first took office?

What black kids need are good schools, the good jobs that come with them, and intact families.  Virtually all criminality comes from kids raised in one parent homes, white, black, and presumably every other race too.

Attacking symbols is attacking deep structure.  Americans hold so few things sacred that this point is not obvious.  But for fuck's sake, the Steelers, led by their coach?  And again, for what?  What is the point?  What is the end game?  As football players, they are trained to have plans.  What is the fucking plan?  Piss on the flag, laugh about it, then go about their millionaire lives?

America is a voluntary association.  We restrict to some extent who can come here, but we don't keep anyone here by force.  Anyone who doesn't like it is literally free to leave, which is not the case in North Korea, Cuba, and probably to a great extent China.

As a voluntary association, we don't make people do things they don't want to do, but as something which aims at the transcendent, which aims to rectify the countless crimes of history, asking for a little respect is not unreasonable, and publicly denying that respect is in my judgement ample warrant for contempt.

Sunday, September 24, 2017


I am listening to Paul Johnsons "A History of the Jews." He just made a point I wanted to note. He argues that innovation is often driven by forced relocation, and that much of that spirit which became the economic dynamism Marx called Capitalusm, and which I would call sane economics, derived not intrinsically from the religious zealotry posited by Weber and others, but from the process of groups being forced to create new lives. He does recognize that this movement, such as that of various congregationalist Protestant sects to America, was often driven by an unwillingness to tolerate Clericalism in any form, but asserts that it was the world changes themselves which spurred creation.

I have been thinking in recent days about early Buddhists, sent out to wander alone and hungry, spirits drifting on the wind. The Buddha must have known monasticism was inevitable, but gave a few generations of monks the chance to destroy all they had known, and to thus find what was still alive when all else is dead.

He must have also known that Anatta would fuck with peoples minds forever.

Death is very near

Sharon Stone had a Near Death Experience some years ago, and had this to say:  "Death is . . . 'very near and very safe… and loving, and gentle, and OK, and there’s nothing to be afraid of.'"

In my more spiritual moments in recent days I have been feeling this. It could be a premonition of my own death, but it seems more likely this is what authentic spirituality feels like: you feel this world suffused perfectly with a better one. You can feel the colors the flowers and sky would be capable of, if they could only be released. I feel peace, safety and freedom. Heaven is already here. It is just a half step to get there, and all our pain melts away.

As I say, my work continues, but after many long and hopeless years it finally seems bearing fruit.

I think the first phase of my life is slowly ending, and something new and better taking its place.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

God and sin

I was pondering today that God must be vastly more interested in our potential, than in any mistakes we might make.

Then I thought that loving parents are disappointed in kids who do not realize their potential, but they never hate them. If we are anthropomorphism God, this is simply bad psychology, the entirety of which can be laid at the feet of religiously hypocritical power-mangers, who used with skill the threat of eternal damnation to build a very earthly thousand year Reich. Vatican City still is, I suspect, per capita the wealthiest nation on Earth.

But this idea occurred, which is somewhat interesting: God as parent makes no sense to me. He letsenty of people slip through the cracks.

But what about meta-parent? The ground of nurturing? The principle channeled by good parents, and a principle we can use to guide and comfort ourselves?  What if any signs we might see arise through the operation of an ordering and calming spirit, which is there only if we look for it?

I'm not quite sure what I am saying. This is very abstract, but I feel it as the light behind what is presented to me in life. This is perhaps really deep, and perhaps not. Do with it what you will.

Alt right

From my perspective, Alt-Right is normal political conservatism, plus drugs, Milo, and a healthy dash of Ron Paul (but not too much).

It is, in other words, principled political Liberalism, which would have been far too tolerant for Reagan era conservatives, and which presents a major problem to the Commissars of the Left, because it is socially tolerant where they are not, and politically principled, where they also are not.

Unchecked, it could lead to mass escapes from their carefully pruned and greened gulags, especially among the young.

Life has no purpose

One of the main reasons I took the trouble and spent the money to get authorized to teach Kum Nye is that it is much deeper and more subtle than any other practices of which I am aware, and I am aware of s great many of them.

Yesterday I was contemplating how I fear relaxation, and feeling that this is a general problem. We stay busy because the notion of spending an afternoon on a porch watching the grass grow is anathema, scary.  Why?

Within Kum Nye there are three levels of relaxation. The first is what you get with a good massage, as one possibility. But underneath this is Kun Zhi, which is that swirling torrent of unresolved emotions, everything running wild, and which you run from daily. It is all of your truths, your real truths. It is the ugly, but also the possibility of the beautiful. It is the temporarily painful, but also the germ of perennial happiness. It is all mixed together.

Within this mix is the feeling I think most of us have had, and certainly those of us who did not get "good enough" parenting, as psychologists put it, which is that life has no point. Living is useless. "Life is just to die", as Lou Reed put it.

This feeling came on me strongly yesterday, and it felt familiar. Part of growing is remembering who we once were, and who we have always been, but not consciously.

This pessimism is corrosive, obviously, and especially in precocious children of the sort I once was. What is the superficial antidote? Burying the idea, and countering it with, in my case, a felt need to save the world. I want to save the world precisely because I have not known how to save myself. I feel there are many like me, and as a group we likely do much more harm than good.

Positive thinking manias are rooted in core pessimism. Positive thinking as a practice in high achieving people is of course useful. As an ideology, it is not.

I continue to be surprised by myself. Every day is a unpredictable adventure. Often it is scary, but I have known true horror, and I kept going. Slowly things are coming into place. Soon I will be good, I feel, and happy, after a long, long nightmare.

Edit: I meant to add that the statement "Life has no purpose" is silly to me. Life, per se, is an abstraction, a verbal reification of our experience, itself amenable to the process of decision, of which defining any number of purposes is a primary process. We can give any purpose to life we choose, and if we do t choose that is not "Life's " fault.

Practically, psychologically honestly speaking, this a FEELING of disconnection from wholes, from belonging to some process and some people. The thought arises naturally from a primitive but real and honest feeling.

Kum Nye, to me, is the emotional equivalent to reasoning. It is learning about chains of logical emotive causation at the level of primary experience. It is seeing how human emotional life is constituted for oneself, versus the abstractions one finds in books which, if they accurate, can only themselves have come from this process of inner work.

Self evidently, logical answers to emotional questions are found in the emotions. The words you say to yourself, or to anyone else for that matter, don't matter one damn bit.

I try to say things which mean something. Perhaps sometimes I succeed.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Note to self

Our insane monetary system has the effect of squeezing innovation out of society, but at the cost of emotional and social well being. We need each other far more than we need new stuff.

And it continues to be the case that greed and bad management keep getting conflated with "Capitsalism" by propagandists--who dish this pabulum out to eagerly receptive resentful minds--when in fact it is obviously and patently absurd.  If you hate your boss, start your own business. If the government has made it hard, blame socialism, not "capitalism".

Do human greed and stupidity disappear when the government has a monopoly on them?  Of course not: they CONCENTRATE. All the abuses of Communism and its socialist cousins--for example in Venezuela and Zimbabwe, and India before it changed its ways--should seen as distillations of the essence of the abuses the people thought they were protesting, and which the very same sorts of people used to get coercive power over them.

As long as there are bad people, no system is safe from them. But what our system offers is alternatives. In the system created by our Constitution, each State was supposed to be an alternative to each other, and the Federal government something far away that mainly mattered in times of war.

We've had wars a'plenty, and look at our government now.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017


I feel my own personal life path is to figure how to make authentic love something more, rather than less, likely, and how to make it more common.

We are commanded in the Christian tradition to love, but ponder that. Love or die. Love or God will hate you. Love or you will be thrown into eternal darkness. I honestly cannot decide if Christianity is a net blessing or curse, although it is certainly both.

I think my most excruciating work is done. My struggles continue, but I have lost the need to drink, and this is a major advance.

I watch the news and it breaks my heart sometimes. How can the same poor islands that just endured a hurricane go through another. But people endure. It is what we do.

I continue to choose to believe that universal light is possible on this planet, and that humanity can survive the next 100 years with our freedoms and dignity intact. I can't of course know this, but as Churchill put it, roughly, there is little damned use in negative thinking. Seeking and finding a condition of paralyzed helplessness is neither hard nor useful.

Many ideas continue to flood through me, but I am for now trying to stay with my primary experience, and my primary existential struggle, which I may describe more fully later.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Life Contradictions

Every moment is important, but none too important.

Love is what is most important, but sometimes we need to be selfish, and even cruel.

It is important to never waste time, but sometimes the most important thing IS to waste time.

You should dedicate yourself to helping others, but the first other is always you.

There are no absolutes, except when there are.

I have in recent days been trying, again, to puzzle out a life philosophy.  When I look out at the world, I see many solutions.  And I see many people driven mad by a felt need to conform to absolute dictates of one sort or another.

Life, it seems to me, is a tide: it comes in and it goes out.  What was becomes what is, becomes what will be.  There is no constant landscape, other than motion.

As a shelter from this, many humans have evolved inflexible rules, such as the Jewish and Islamic laws, or the Catholic liturgy.  Communism is little but an escape from freedom by assigning "law" to "history".

Sometimes we need absolute rules.  But sometimes we don't. 

And the philosopher--if I might style myself as such, my own reservations about that word and vocation notwithstanding--should see the big picture.  Sometimes, emotionally, you need to be firm, and obviously you must be firm in something.  This is rigidity.  This is Law.

But sometimes it is necessary to bend like the Taoist willow, allowing, without losing ones roots.

In some respects, I think I am trying to wrestle with my own tendency to be judgemental.  It was a functional adaptation at one time.  I needed it.  It was the only way I could make sense of the world.

But what I see is that it separates me from most of humanity.  All have fallen in some ways, but all have also risen in some ways, and found some light somewhere.  For me to be tense, to force a separation, is a violence to truth, and more than a little unfair to me myself.  When I push someone away emotionally, I lose what could have been an interesting interaction, potentially useful to both of us.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017


It is odd this word would mean two very different things. But they are not so different. To leave is to begin, and all doors are both exits and entrances.

One starts where one is, but few of us see all the places we can go.

Feeling a bit mystical today. It's easy enough to use the language!!!!

Hidden posture

It occurs to me most of us have one way of moving in the world, as our "posture", or what Moshe Feldenkrais more comprehensively called our "acture", and another posture hidden within our selves. Part of healing--really, I think most or all of it--is learning on a feeling level who you are, and part of that is connecting with your relationship with your body when you are not having to fool people so they dont attack you, or so it feels to some of us.

When I am not an inflated pufferfish, or activated porcupine, who am I? Where would I rest, if I could?

Sunday, September 10, 2017

China and North Korea

I heard on the radio that Norrh Korea gets 90% of its fuel from China. This means that without China they cannot survive. They certainly would not be in a position to develop and test nuclear missiles and warheads.

And they continue to support North Korea:

Here is a simple idea: if and when North Korea launches an effective nuclear attack on the US mainland, we consider it an act of war by China itself, and react accordingly.

Obviously, a nuclear war is not the outcome we want, but it is not the outcome they want either. But given that China can shut them down any time they want, they are CLEARLY culpable.

If we add this to the table, along with the threat of a tiered trade war we can escalate gradually, perhaps they can be made to see reason.

China itself is not peaceful, and its leaders not secure in their power. They are corrupt, greedy, brutal, and indifferent to anything not directly related to an unearned national pride, or the internal violence needed to keep hundreds of millions of miserable people from committing mass slaughter of the dictators who call themselves liberators.

It is very possible to put real pressure on both these nations, or so it seems to me.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Protecting ones light

Sometimes you have to just watch those who have chosen death die.  There are countless seeds struggling to take root and sprout new life. Save your energy for them. None of us invented death. It is simply a factor in our existence.

Those who seek darkness will find it. Those who seek oblivion will find it.

Friday, September 8, 2017


Anger ends when the hurt ends, and I think the end of hurt is the same as forgiveness.  Forgiveness is when the thought of someone, or something which hurt you, no longer brings out strong emotions.  It is growth, though, which brings understanding.  Forgiveness makes it no longer matter.  Growth allows you to see.

I am still angry about a number of things, and I still hurt. For someone like me, being able to feel hurt in the first place is progress.  I never knew what was being done to me, because I checked out early on.

You can of course choose to forgive someone, but it seems to me this is simply a decision to consistently alter your focus.  This is likely helpful, likely healthy, and likely the only way to move on for some people.  But until you heal the hurt, you are papering it over, and it never fully goes away.

When I finish my inventory, I don't want anything left.  What I want is consistently expressed creativity, focus, and pleasure in people and in work.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

Eben, as the Germans say

Socialism is a worldview, not a system for solving concrete, actually existing problems. It is a means without an end. 

Monday, September 4, 2017

Feelings are open

In the past days I have felt clearly this sense that feelings are open.  There is no roof, even if there are walls, even if there is a "you" within which they arise.

What I mean by this, is that when bad feelings--sadness, fear, pain--arise, there is a tendency to fight them, to try to push them down.  This of course only makes them sneaky and in some ways more powerful.  They come out in irrational behavior.  That you can rationalize it does not change this fact.  Nobody ever does anything without a reason.  Ted Bundy and Chairman Mao had their logics.

But if you imagine yourself floating in a cistern, perhaps on a boat, there is no roof.  As the tide rises, you keep going up and up and up, then down and down, and as it goes down, you eventually reach dry land again.  The key is to contact, be conscious of, and to consciously allow the flow to happen.  When you do this, you do not avoid some unpleasant moments, but with faith, they fade, and you learn to deal with them, and over time you lose the fear of negative feelings.  Having lost this fear--which prevents much joy--you are then free to allow positive feelings easy access to your daily consciousness.

We spend so much time fearing what we will lose, who we will lose.  When you lose this fear, everything becomes interesting, fascinating.  Everywhere you look, there is something to make you smile, and there is something to investigate and learn from.  The world becomes a much more tender, inviting, and free space.

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Broken Windows

On behalf of Paul Krugman and his Broken Window-istas, I would like to thank God for this MASSIVE boost to the Houston and indeed the Texas economy.  No greater blessing could possibly be imagined.

If ONLY Obama had spent 5x what he did, imagine the wealth that could have been produced!!!!  But he didn't listen to old Paul, did he?

So sorry, America, but Houston is getting the full Krugman red carpet.  Don't be haters because they are so lucky.

Houston: A Socialist Response

It seems some people think that if you go next door to get a cup of sugar from your neighbor--something common when I was growing up, in a less paranoid, less hostile age--this is socialism.  It is socialism if the church has a bake sale to help pay someone's medical bills.  It is socialism if large numbers of people contribute money to help their fellow Americans.  This is stupidity.  It is an abuse of language and thought made possible by the idiotic thought central to the whole idea psychologically, which is if that people come together voluntarily, that is community, so logically forcing people to come together--as mediated by a vast and powerful bureaucracy--is likewise community.  This is sociologically and psychologically indefensible.

No, Socialism would have been, among other things, to make sure that every boat in the "Cajun Navy" first got an inspection and a safety certificate before they were allowed to conduct rescues.  Committees would have been formed to make sure that they went into all neighborhoods evenly, such that no one neighborhood got a disproportionate number of boats.

There would have needed to have been an enormous number of bureaucrats to oversee this operation, and they themselves would have needed to be fed and housed, out of the money which might otherwise have gone to survivors.  They would have maintained an aura of moral hauteur, at the good they were doing in the world.

And, of course, as has been seen the world over, no small number of them would not have been averse to receiving bribes and favors to make sure certain people were exempted from equality, and they certainly would have taken care of their own family and friends first.

As things happened, though, the free energy of free people was mobilized, to great effect.  This is an excellent analogy of free markets.  There is no need for top down management.  People are not fucking idiots, and in general and in aggregate if they are decent human beings, everything works out.  Houston is a formally complex system, and using anything but local knowledge would have been imbecilic; as indeed it is with regard to all economic issues.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Saying No

All children at a certain age--2 and 3 especially--need to hear NO regularly.

At the same time, they need to hear YES too.  Life says no often, but it also says yes, and if you never hear it, you miss much.

If I might summarize my difficulties, it is that I never heard yes.  There was no one there to do that.  I do think in the past and around much of the world today that role is often played, when the parents fail, by an aunt, or grandmother, or cousin, or some other member of an extended network of people.  It doesn't have to be much or often.  It just has to be sincere and timely.

There was no path forward or backwards, and no way to remain in place.  This is how you create dissociation.  Impossible becomes out.

I continue to land slowly in my body, though.  All wounds can be managed and transformed.  I do believe this.  

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The way out

It seems to me that all Leftisms necessarily start with atheism.  This is what creates the manias, the incorrigibility, the relentless errors, terrors, and pain and suffering.

If Trump wants to strike a decisive blow at his enemies, he should provide massive funding for after-life research, and research into the broad category of "God", which we might define as the infinite energy which connects all of us, and gives us life.

The templates are there.  For example, the Laboratory for Advances in Consciousness and Health, at the University of Arizona.

Or the Institute for Noetic Sciences.

What if we funded research into the most important question any human can ask--what is the nature of and point of human life--to the same extent we fund this farce of Global Warming?

It can be frustrating being significantly more intelligent than most people--and I do believe that to be the case with me--because it makes the stupidity of the world much more obvious.

Why not focus as a nation and a society on what is most important?  Is this an unreasonable question?

Grief and the city

When you look at Trump versus Other voters, the pattern that I see has to do with the capacity of people to inhabit the worlds and roles of those who came before them.

I was at our State Fair yesterday, watching among other things a pig judging contest.  I was watching kids of no more than 6 years old in some cases in a ring with a bunch of others, wearing cowboy shirts, Levi's, and large belt buckles, using switches to guide their pigs around the the enclosure, while being watched carefully by a judge--a slightly hunched man who I knew was quite capable of working hard 20 days many days in a row--and watching the spectators, who came in families, and who slept in groups on cots with their animals, sometimes with the family dog in a cage, and thinking that these little boys and girls will in all likelihood be proud to grow up like their mamas and daddies.

There are of course many temptations--boredom with living in a small town being the main one--which draw people away, but there are many country songs about coming home, too.  Here is one:

"I ran off when it came to blows with my old man, but I came home, and this is where they'll bury me."

What they have is a template for life.  They don't have to reject their parents.  They might argue for a time, but there is peace where people largely think the same.  This is the fact with multiculturalism which nobody wants to talk about: everyone, all groups, of all beliefs and backgrounds, are happiest with their own kind.  This is a sociological fact.  What one makes of it politically is determined by what mania, or what compassion, motivates one.

I would distinguish this from the City, broadly understood.  In the city you get nothing but motion.  Your parents are not nested anywhere, and there is a good chance they are divorced or never married in the first place.  There is no "way of life" worth speaking of, other than continual, largely random and anxiety driven motion.

I look at bumper stickers from movies, like the "Abide" ones referencing "The Big Lebowski", and it occurs to me that all the shared referents for people in both suburbs and the city are not just mutable, but highly mutable.  There are no Great Stories, no Great Myths (in Joseph Campbell's sense).  This makes all social connections tenuous, easily severed, and life emotionally precarious.

This, in my view, is the root of the effectiveness of the propaganda which our media perpetrates.  If you find yourself out of lockstep with others--and I have commented on this before--you risk losing inclusion.  To find yourself fully alone with nothing is unthinkable.  I think most people ingest the lies our media tells without even pausing a moment to question it, because they KNOW that everyone around them is doing the same.

And all you need to create a fully sustainable propaganda bubble is vast anxiety and alienation, and synchronizing signals whose channel--which in this case can be taken literally--is known to everyone you know.  All you have to do to belong is repeat what everyone else is belonging.

But the cost of this belonging is the capacity for independent judgement, and for genuine individuation.  When everyone's primary emotion is loneliness, they grasp at straws.  Provide them the straws, and you have a leash on them.

And it occurs to me further that the dominant emotion of any authoritarian regime has to be shame.  Christianity is rooted in shame because it is a powerful tool for controlling people.  And this is the reason that the very first trick the lunatics who occupy the core of the Left employ is teaching Americans, particularly, to be ashamed of their history, of who they ARE.  This makes them clay, which is malleable, and can be shaped and fitted to any form deemed suitable.

For myself, of course, I see the limitations of both world views, but the "country" worldview is at least stable, and the simple fact is that pride enables independence, and independence enables individual judgement.  It is possible to be genuinely tolerant when one has no shame in who one is.  And whatever the defects of Christianity otherwise, tolerance is something it preaches, and which in my experience most Christians try to practice.  America is uniquely tolerant, at a genuine, gut level.

But large numbers have ingested this poison that we are wicked, that we should bear the sins of our fathers, and this leads to grief, shame, alienation, and violence.

This is what we see on the streets today.  Oh, if only one could bottle sanity, could bottle the idea that we are all sufficient in ourselves, that joy is our natural condition, and acceptance the gift of and from God.


It seems to me that, spiritually speaking, the only possible locus of lasting and genuine happiness is the individual.  Our perception must be based on individual relationships with God, and society based upon the notion of self organizing and dynamic systems which welcome and easily incorporate change.

There is an old Zen saying: at first I was just chopping wood.  Then I was not chopping wood.  Then I was chopping wood again.  Something like that.

When are you not chopping wood?  When you are chopping someone's face.

Look at the violence in our world.  Look at our media, at Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead, one of the top three movies at all times.

When I look at traditional societies, they all beat their children.  They want them to grow in specific ways, to inhabit and incorporate specific behavior patterns based on specific templates based upon specific values.

Because these specific values are not compatible with those of other groups and tribes, conflicts of all sorts tend to emerge.  War has been a continual fact for all of recorded history.  "Only the dead have seen the end of war" is an old saying.

Now, trade, and commerce work to mediate tendencies towards conflict, and among intelligent people, the goal of wealth alone works to keep the peace, but what tends to happen is that if any one civilization becomes wealthy through trade, they are conquered by an inferior civilization with greater bloodlust.  A good example is the conquest of Canaan by the the proto-Israelites.

What I am feeling within myself as I calm down is warring factions within my psyche.  It is all, or largely, unconscious.  There are two paths I have always been trying to take simultaneously.  One is conformity to my parents wishes, which was reinforced through physical and emotional punishment, and buttressed with intellectual structures which I have since cast aside.  The other is a path towards personal growth and back to God.  The two are incompatible, and they both exist at a root level.  And I cannot find peace until they have made peace.

Long ago, whenever I created my other website,, I noted that Freud, in writing of "Civilization and its discontents", spoke only of the repression of negative emotions. To counterbalance this I created the notion of Qualitative Repression .

That was not quite ten years ago.  Here is what I would say today: TRUE individualism is also unacceptable in most social contexts.  A genuine aspiring mystic, following a path which unfolds only one step at a time, is also unwelcome.  Why?  Because it activates latent energies within people which are exactly analogous to those I find troubling me every night.

As I calm, though, I am contacting these energies with greater and greater specificity.  It is astonishing and very interesting how much I feel every day.  Every moment contains revelations which I cannot speak when I am able to remain open for any amount of time.  And to be clear, I am not speaking of God or the future: I am simply speaking of available affective possibilities, of very specific sensations and qualities of internal imagery.

But all of these things take time.  I have structured my life in such a way--and sacrificed the outer trappings of success in this country to do so--so that I can support all of this.  But most people can't.  Their emergences just look weird, if they happen in public.

Most people are operating at the social level equivalent of the hive mind.  They are not insects, obviously, because they can think and reason up to a point.  They can explain what they are doing and why, but they can't REALLY explain what they are doing, why, or who they really are, or who they might be if they did not have all this programming with them.  This is what people speak of when they say people are asleep.  Gurdjieff, as one example, used this term often.

Sometimes when I am out in public, wandering around, I think of Lao Tzu's comment that he is different, that he is nourished by a different mother.  And I ask myself: should I try to be more like other people, or should I do my own thing, and wait for them to come to me?  What do you think makes more sense?  I think the latter.  What I see on display, among people who follow the orthodox marching orders, is confusion, anxiety, emotional superficiality, greed as compensation, sexual pleasure with--I suspect--very little sexual satisfaction (if Mick Jagger couldn't get there, who can?), and the sadness of feeling alone and forgotten, even among people.  This is not everyone, obviously.  Many people are satisfied with their lives, and these people make civilization continue well.  But where are they going?  In our current world, if we do not build something new, everything is going to come falling down.  That is what I feel, and that is the root aim of those doing their level best to topple our civilization and its contents down like an old statue.

What I feel, is that--in the presence of unprecedented freedom and opportunity--many of our youth are becoming atavistic, and longing for a time and place where there was, as they conceive the thing, order and where their emotional confusion was answered with the discipline they never received at home, with the clear structure they never received at home.  They want fascism, to deal with their moral and emotional confusion, and for the same reason the original fascists wanted it.

And actually, that opens an interesting question.  I have not read the several propagandists for Communism who looked for and found sexual repression in fascism--to which they wanted to provide as an antithesis their own countless and emotionally empty couplings of various sorts--but I do wonder what the sexual lives of these Antifa fascists looks like.  What is it like, not knowing in advance if the woman you are courting has a penis, and who expects it not to matter in the least?  What is it like, feeling seething anger coupled with functional helplessness--as I have noted, many of them seem to live with their parents--when it comes to what is at its root an act of joy and cocreation?  I suspect sex is not very important at all to many of these people.  Gender is, obviously, and gender identity, and all these unnatural abstractions, but not the physical act of intimacy, much less the emotional act of being vulnerable.  This is where the anger comes from.

So as usual I am making a short story long.  Here is what I feel: to go to the next level as a human being, you have to cast off the webbing of sociality, and to do so you must privilege your own perception relative to that of anyone else.  And we must grant this privilege to everyone.  This is the essence of the creed of Individualism.

Our curse,  of course, is that in the middle of this bounty of freedom, we lack both the tools for authentic personal exploration, and more importantly, the social sanction for it.

I FEEL, I feel, the anxiety that underlies the nervous energy which underlies our social order.  I feel the compulsions to go shopping, to eat out, to fuck, to drink, to work hard, to dream of more and more stuff, and vacations which are mainly of use as forms of conspicuous consumption.

I will leave it there for now.  I am wandering again.  I have been having very odd--but aren't they all?--dreams lately, but highly useful ones.  I am on the scent of something good.

Friday, August 25, 2017


Sometimes in life, it occurs to me that the best metaphor is a ship sailing from one port to another, from one "destination" to another.  I think sometimes many of us--this applies certainly to me--panic when we don't know immediately what is next.  What's coming.  What's over the horizon.

More ocean, then something else.  You will know when you get there.

It doesn't hurt to have a daily plan, and goals of all lengths, but much of life consists in just continuing to show up in various ways, and much of what happens, we didn't see coming at all.  Be open to change.  Look for it.  Welcome it.  That is how exploring is done.


I think the key to forgiveness is touching the "Judgement Day"--by which I intend our authentic core selves, the ones we cannot leave behind-/and realizing how often we have inadvertently hurt others, through stupidity, reflexive emotionality, stubborn pride, or some other variant of the madness which dwells amongst g us all.

Substance support

I will be throwing small bits out here and there in coming days.

Thought: substance "abuse" supports the pretending made necessary by the inability to relate to others authentically.  When you get tired, you can always find comfort.  It is an authentic friend, even if one which does not love back, and which poisons you.

This is the real crime of substance abuse, that you medicate the hurting, and make building nearly impossible.

But for many of us, what building is possible on thin air?

I say this as someone who maybe, possibly--I've threatened this before--may have gotten drunk for the last time.  I seem to be melding the selves.  It is difficult work.  As I've said before, my average night would scare the shit out of most people, and certainly make keeping a girlfriend quite difficult, unless she was extraordinary.

I do feel I made a heart connection last night though.  I allowed energy to flow out through my heart.  This is a new thing for me, which is a little scary, but which I recognize as important and good.

Thursday, August 24, 2017


Not sure the world has a whole lot of fucks to give as to how I'm doing, but I'm doing well.  That weird energy with the eclipse squeezed me and squeezed me, and I held on, like I have for countless hours over most of my life, and now I"m feeling pretty good.  The Neurofeedback is really starting to have an effect. I am starting to be able to more effectively utilize calming strategies I have long known about, but somehow not integrated in my daily life.  Work has slowed down, and I've dealt with the issues I had.

I am not feeling like philosophizing.  I feel the emptiness of talk far more than I have before.  God knows I will never shut up, but for now I am just trying to be present to my work and the people I encounter.

Politics, what can I say?  Trump continues to be attacked on all sides.  ANYBODY but him would have folded by now, and many continue to hope he will.  But why would he?  I think he LIKES good fights, and this is a GREAT fight.  You risk big, you win big.  That's how he's always played.

The dreams of true, deep change might be fading a bit as he gets corralled by everyone, but here is the thing: he continues to appoint judges, continues to reduce regulations, he pulled us out of Paris, continues to work to improve trade deals, is taking North Korea seriously, and basically will continue to kick ass in all sorts of ways that will never be reported or seen in this country, but which matter.

Nothing will change my views on Trump, in all likelihood, short of him starting to act like a pussy.  He has done his level best to keep all his promises, but the fucking Congress refuses to cooperate, and with all the leaks he has had, it has been hard to conduct coherent policy of any sort.

We got three more years folks.  Sooner or later, he will get the range and start firing for effect.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Antifa is nothing. Stay calm

I read 92% of these Antifa children live with their parents.  I don't know how anyone would know, but based on actual surveys of the usual suspects in these sorts of things, that sounds about right.  Everyone else has a job.

The deal is that they want to create a reaction which promotes recruiting.  It seems that virtually all of Charlottesville was false flag, but they still got a national reaction.

They only gain strength, though, when opposed violently.  That is why they had to engineer a violent confrontation, so they could claim innocence, even though they showed up in masks with baseball bats and 2x4's.

Here is the truth: ordinary Americans occupy the moral high ground.  This consists in moderates of both sides, but since they are not attacking people with D behind their names, it means in practice political conservatives and anyone who calls themselves a Republican (obviously, there is some overlap, but distressingly enough, not as much as there should be).

Non-violent resistance is the OBVIOUS answer to all this.  Yes, of course MLK Jr. had the media, and we don't.  But every time we feed the fire, it gets worse.

Trump remains President.  He has been attacked viciously and often all his life.  I'm not sure he likes it, but he certainly does not shy away from it.  Even though Congress is acting in a morally cowardly way, we do still have both parts of Congress, and absolute majorities in over half the States in America.

This is no time to panic.  This is no time to let anyone dictate the game to us.

It annoys me that they attack these monuments, but the fact of the matter is that they don't matter to most of us one way or the other.  Most of us have never met anyone who had anything directly to do with that war, because it would have been a grandfathers grandfather.

We can't let them get our goat.  Yes, violence is an easy answer, but it is an easy wrong answer.

The simple reality is that these are cowardly losers being funded by psychopaths, who want nothing more than to foment conflict they can exploit for political gain.  This is a harder game we are being asked to play, but fuck, we are not the whiny losers.  We are the winners.  And we are winning.  Let's stay on track.

Edit: I am presently suffering compassion fatigue.  I think it was the nails one of them put on their 2x4 in the Boston protests, or perhaps a group of them accusing a veteran of being "Nazi scum".

Time is on our side.  The optics on all this are horrible, and cannot but play to Trump's strengths.  It doesn't matter, OBVIOUSLY, what the media says, and it does not matter what the polling says.  All we have to do is stay in the game to keep racking up points they can't match.

Human Connection

In this lecture he references a study of rats and addiction.  Gabor Mate--who seems to have written the best books on addiction also references this study.

In the study, a solitary rat, given an option of water, and water with cocaine, will choose the latter until it dies.  From this, it was assumed that something in cocaine was inherently addictive.

But rats in fun places, surrounded by other rats, rarely or never get addicted.  They are enjoying themselves too much.

Here is the interesting question: how is it that people feel so alone, when surrounded by people and opportunities, that they act like the solitary rat?  Can we not posit that even people who shoot heroin in groups still feel alone?


Self abuse

I feel this morning that substance abuse in any form--and more broadly that compulsivity we call "addiction"--is really self abuse.  It is a form of cutting, of denying, of saying no to something.

And what are we saying no to?  Positive feelings.  You might feel, when you are drunk, or high, or fucking another stranger, that life is good, that everything is wonderful.  But you also know that you will come down.  And you know the darkness that awaits you, the helplessness that awaits you.  You know the weight of the world.

And so why would any sane person not want to go back up again as soon as possible?  What sane person would want to live in the dark cage of their life, when there is another possibility?  Is it not the case that there is no need at all to explain this behavior, that it is utterly rational and predictable, for people with certain sorts of wounds?

And I feel the critical pivot point is trust.  We need other people, but some of us find it difficult or impossible to trust life and to trust other people.  We have been betrayed too often, too early, and felt too much pain.  So we create half of what we really want, but create it in a way we control.

What we suppress is a natural sense of open wonder, of spontaneous affection, of joy.  All of these things, we have learned, can be sucked up, used, and spit out by others.  So our addiction is really in important respects a barrier against authentic happiness.

I am slowly awaking from a long dream--and dream, not nightmare, is the word, since my numbness kept much of it from being too unpleasant--and seeing possibilities I never guessed were there.

For my part, given the strangeness of our world, I feel little surprise that so many people escape through work or sex, or alcohol.  I feel no wonder that opiates are surging through our alienated world.  Why would they not, when we have lost the ability to speak, to share needed truths, to feel who we are, to connect with ourselves and everything around us?

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Kieslowski's Decalogue

I have now managed to watch numbers 4-10, which are all that are available on NetFlix.  I will have to buy the rest.  I just want to say that I am a lifelong film buff, and no film or series of films has ever moved me more, or better probed deep human issues than this set of short films.

Because of his style and his spirituality, Tarkovsky will remain my favorite director.  But for dealing in nuanced, non-reductive and sympathetic ways with complex moral and emotional issues, for my money Kieslowski has no equal, and very few even come close.  He is--or was--one of the world's truly great film directors and writers, and it is a shame he is not better known.

I suspect a primary reason for this is that his films are work.  They are so emotionally evocative I find myself weeping at the end of nearly every one--7 in particular was very difficult, and of course the music doesn't help--and have to work myself up to watch them in the first place. This DVD has been sitting on my counter for two weeks.

This, however, is genius.  All of us need to do the adult work of understanding one another and ourselves, even though it is often painful when done properly.

Speaking politically

My sense that I am good at breaking down complex issues into simpler narratives, without reducing them in a manner harmful to truth and effectiveness, is I think well founded. I am intelligent. I am a good writer.  I am talented in some ways.

But what I am feeling right now is my essential inhumanity, my coldness, my distance.

These people marching in the streets--Antifa, BLM, et al--they are frightened.  What they need in their hearts is for someone they TRUST to quiet them, and tell them its all going to be OK.  You can calm down.  The future is not going to hurt you.  The world is not your enemy.

What they need is honest and heartfelt nurturing, of a sort I suspect most of them never got.  Most of us, any more, in this mechanical and passively hostile world never get what we really need.  Their parents were working.  Their culture values them mainly for their capacity to contribute economically, and goodness is close to being equated with wealth.  They were raised with computers with no souls.  They were raised without profound and soul-level music and poetry.  They were raised without communal dance and rejoicing.

We have no real festivals.  We rarely or never meet Life together and with good cheer and optimism.

The image I get is villages where, when you cannot sleep, you get up and go to the center--which is not far away--and meet others and listen to stories you have heard many times, which quiet the soul, and eventually inspire refreshing sleep, and a spirit of openness to life in the morning when the Sun comes up again, as it always does.

It is of course a truism to say that most of us are separated from nature, but it is even more obvious we are living in manners which separate us from one another.

I for one am continually drawing lines. I can tell you why psychologically, and cannot yet tell you how to stop, but this important reality needs to be acknowledged.  There are many like me.

This is a day, for me, for dreaming.  I will not share all my dreams here yet, although the broad outlines should be clear enough.  But I will say that I do feel a sense of destiny, that all my suffering has been for a purpose, that if God wills it, I may have a role to play in helping all of us out of our collective nightmares.

Judgement Day

Judgement Day is when the full truth is told and cannot be avoided.  It is when you feel fully what your actions have done in the world, what effect they have had on the lives of those around you.

True love arises from the feeling of Judgement Day, because it partakes inherently of the truth that we are all connected, and it can see, immediately and accurately, what is happening, how people are feeling, and what is needed.

Hell is feeling apart.  We can protect ourselves for a long time with intentionally foggy thinking, and particularly through the illusion of group membership bought with violence against another, but not forever. 

Today and tomorrow, particularly, feel what comes up in your heart.  Feel what the universe has been trying to tell you for so very long, with infinite patience, and infinite compassion.  No one is ever lost, but many wander far, far away from their homes.  Certainly, I have.  I continue to try and find my path back.

Saturday, August 19, 2017


The concept of universal human rights is an abstraction.  So too is "social justice", which can mean whatever the person using it wants it to mean.

Ponder how odd it is that we were able to build so much on one iteration of abstract thinking; and how that same style of thinking, with different content, is working so well to destroy everything good it touches.

Self evidently, the common theme is emotional detachment, and the differences are in the spirit of active and self reflective honesty, genuine good will, and attention to logical rigor, none of which matter in the slightest to most current academics.

The truth

I was feeling blue Wednesday for several reasons, and my therapist suggested a depression protocol for my neurofeedback session.  I really felt much better a few hours later.  I will continue to say that this process will over time replace substantially all psychiatric pharmaceuticals, and most traditional talk therapy.  Precisely because it works and because it is relatively inexpensive, I expect many special interests to work hard to get it more restricted, but the simple fact is that it is virtually impossible to do wrong, has pretty much zero side effects, and does what it is supposed to do.  Good news for humanity, bad news for greedy useless parasites.

Here is the truth, though: I truly think virtually everyone worked up about politics on all sides is depressed, but particularly the Left.  It is an old fact that many people express depression as irrational anger.

There is nothing wrong with opposing racism.  There is nothing wrong with wanting justice, defined in a reasonable way.  These are laudable, commendable goals.  I like most Americans hurt when I watched Roots.  I felt shame.  I hated the Nazis in any number of movies, and in books of history.  I could not understand the horrors of the Holocaust.  Most Americans are like me.  They want things to fair and just.  They want everyone to get their fair shot, and then some.  They want anyone and everyone, of any race and origin, who is willing to work hard, to succeed.  We have long been like this.

But the Left does not connect in any important way with Heartland America, with the values of most of the people who build and create in this country.  These people--Leftists--base their lives and actions on demonstrable lies.  They lie about our history.  They ignore much of the history of the world. Why?

Why, to take one of more examples than I can readily list, does no one ask why Mauritania only banned slavery during the George W. Bush era, just before Obama took office?  If slavery is a problem, carrying it into the 21st century as a legal institution should have been a problem too.

I really do think that in large measure they have nothing else.  Particularly atheists have nothing else.  There is no other ground to stand on, no other campaign to pursue, no other victory worth the winning.  It is anger or sadness, anger or a sense of uselessness and futility.  When they cannot find a cause, they create one, as with the monument controversy.

If they were happy, patient, and whole-heartedly dedicated to the long term good of all, they would be asking questions about, for example, how to get more charter schools in inner cities, how to attract good jobs to inner cities, and how to improve policing in all communities.

But they don't do that.

Sanctimony, Smoke and Wind

So you tell me you hate racism so much, and you feel violence is the answer.

What, pray tell, is a sane person to make of your habit of calling anyone who disagrees with you even slightly a "racist"?

Honest blame

It occurs to me that if one single person is most responsible for the death of that woman in Charlottesville, it would be the person--he, she, or it-/who was beating the bumper of the driver. That was a nice car, and he probably assumed the windows were next. He rammed forwards to get room, backed up rapidly and sped away.

I wonder if this person has shed any tears contemplating their direct role in the death of one of their own, or is the hate thick and impermeable enough that nothing is left of nuance, of personal accountability, and of the possibility of conscience?