Tuesday, February 28, 2017

How do you eat a monster?

One bite at a time.

This popped into my head. Metaphorically, it would refer to pendulation and titration.

But then I wondered if this might be a root of cannibalism, if the unwanted, inaccessible trauma is projected onto a hated Other, and then ritually fed to the digestive system, which is where trauma hides.  The trauma feeds itself, and in so doing is pacified for a time.

Is a Doppelganger you, but with access to your hidden trauma?  The You you don't want to see, can't see.  The real truth?  A monster "out there" psychologically?

And would eating babies not be a logical solution for people whose "monster" is Developmental Trauma, trauma they can't begin to remember, but which dogs them all the days of their lives?  Would it not seem obvious that the root of Satanism is Developmental Trauma?  That baby IS the monster, made flesh, for such people.  It connects them to their own deepest mythic--which in this case is to say emotional--reality.

And how would rituals such as the sacrifice of children, as has happened in many cultures such as Carthage, perpetuate?  Would not fucked up parents create fucked up kids, to whom all this makes perfect sense?  Would not this fucked-up-ness be very easy to perpetuate?

I will repeat my core intuition that some of the most wealthy families on Earth screw up their children on purpose, and have for many generations.

I think there are some very important insights here.  You're welcome.

Actually, I will add on the positive side of the ledger a story I read yesterday, where supposedly in some Indian tribe the babies birthday is dated to when the mother got the idea of having the child, and set aside quiet time to hear the "song' of her future child, which is to say to feel the quality of its unique self, which she obviously cared for, and which then became a healthy, happy, well adapted and peaceful adult, who then fathered or mothered more such children.

We have choices in this life.  But all choices involve perception.  What is called "creativity" is simply picking from among the infinite unrealized possibilities in this life, and bringing them into concrete being.  Every creative act necessarily leaves an infinity behind.  This means we are all infinitely wealthy in the ways that matter.  That is a positive thought.  Look at me: I'm channeling Tigger rather than Eeyore, after writing what I just wrote.

LOL.  Seriously.  I'm a nut, but I find my madness congenial.


It occurs to me, now that my internal conflicts have become open to me, now that I have brought light into some unpleasant spaces, that addiction is nothing or less than undeveloped emotional intelligence, and that healing consists in nothing more than cultivating emotional intelligence, and specifically self regulation.

And I want to be clear on that point: the self regulation in question is not a question of knowing when to stop.   It is a question of learning to regulate the emotional flooding--much of it perhaps unconscious--which CAUSES the bingeing.  The bingeing is just a way to make it go away.  You look in one direction and see a monster.  So you run to the comfort of something else, in the other direction.  You turn away, because you cannot face it, that part of you which is woven into the fiber of your soul, that you cannot escape, but which you cannot control, cannot own, and cannot face without terrible cost.  It is a truly awful situation, and the background of otherwise incomprehensible behaviors which see outwardly decent and caring people kill themselves, directly or indirectly, rather than pay that cost.

Now, I do not want to say that alcoholism and other addictions cannot be influenced one way or the other with will power.  I do not want to say you cannot just say QUIT one day and make it work at the expense of a lifetime of taking it "one day at a time", and being forced to admit regularly you "are" an "alcoholic".  I have known many people over the years who did this.

What I want to say is that there is something in me which is psychologically "grundlich", as the Germans put it: thorough, meticulous, and wanting to be as deep, wide, and absolutely comprehensive as I can be.  Mental health is a process, in some respects, of careful, long term craftsmanship, and such work should be done as well as humanly possible, and if angels can be enlisted, so much the better.

Useful motto

On the other side of tension waits a friend.

I try to do Pilates every day, at least part of the routine.  I have realized I make excuses to avoid it, and have realized it is because some of the exercises, oddly enough the Rolling one, elicit fear in me.  I contact that rich subterranean river of fear.  I get shivers all over.  It hides in my upper back, particularly.

Now six months ago I would not have allowed myself to feel this.  I would have exhorted myself to "get it done", done it faithfully for 4 days, then given it up for three weeks by making excuses and then forgetting it completely.  This is the truth.

Now, I see what is happening.  And it occurs to me this fear has limits.  It does not go on forever.  I will pass through it.  And having passed through it, I will not only not fear the Pilates, but look forward to it.  It is after all intended to be rejuvenating and relaxing.

I feel good things coming my way.

The Manufacture of Consent and emotionality

First off, I will repeat that all Leftists memes directed at the right need to make a U-turn and point back at them.  If Noam Chomsky accuse the Right of it, he is guilty of it.  He may as well talk about the Manufacture of Reality, because that is his main preoccupation: creating atrocities where they do not exist, and vanishing those which do exist, but do not fit his narrative.

Secondly, anyone who cannot process emotion, who cannot or does not allow it to flow freely, is governed by little else.  The most rigid, ideologically driven people you know, the "analysts", the "logical" people: they are deep wells of emotion.  This is what makes them rigid.  Free e-motion allows free motion.

And allowing feelings to flow does not mean that one is feeling all the time.  One is sensing and perceiving all the time.  One is awake, alert and alive.  I go up and I go down, and it is all interesting.  An ocean, on balance, is level, even if no part of it is level at any time.

Third, the point I wanted to make, is that our media exists to create an illusion of consensus and reality.  They historically have been able, themselves, to shout and scream about a politician or a policy, throw some trained and paid or brainwashed activists in the streets, and create the sense among the people consuming their media that everybody thinks a certain way, that they represent the mainstream.

But to state the obvious, whatever is happening, wherever it is happening, chances are quite good you are not there. You are getting your news, at best, second hand, and those hands have long felt it their right and duty not to report what happened, but to carefully sculpt a reality which supports their political ideology.

Thus to say newscasters exist to "report the news" is farcical.  In the main, they exist to CREATE the news.  They exist to ignore stories which do not support their narrative--choosing what to cover is the first part of their filtering process--and then to spin whatever stories they do cover in disingenuous and unethical ways.

Banning CNN or the New York Times is not to ban them from reporting the news.  It is to recognize that they abandoned any serious efforts at journalistic integrity long ago.  What is anti-democratic is a free press which supports the agenda of the continued erosion of ACTUAL civil liberties, which supports the on-going vitiation of our Constitution, which supports politicians who further this agenda, which LIES to further all these goals.

I was wondering yesterday if the Left has the stamina to keep up this hyperventilating for four years. I  was very upset when Obama won, but even I was not calling for impeachment the first day.  That would have been ludicrous: he won the election after all, and had done nothing to warrant impeachment (although of course he later did, e.g. the IRS scandal or Fast and Furious, or the Bo Bergdahl swap).

But many Leftists continue to seem to feel there is a quick and easy "solution" (Endloesung) to the Trump question.  There isn't.  He is not impeachable.  There is no Russian connection. And even if Trump went down, somehow, Mike Pence is a very able and competent man who will continue implementing the same ideas.  The Democrats--and their media partners--LOST, bigly, and as Obama so snidely remarked, roughly, "elections have consequences".

Monday, February 27, 2017


As should be obvious, if you are shouting at the top of your lungs 24/7 that people who disagree with you are "being divisive", you are the one actually guilty of it.  It's slightly elevated version of "who smelt it dealt it", but it operates at about the same level of maturity.

If you hate people who hate and accuse everyone who disagrees with you of hate, you are the one who is guilty.

If you use fascist tactics to "oppose fascism", YOU are the guilty party, not them.

In all of this, you will note there is no give and take.  There is no connection, or circulation.  There is not an exchange of opinions.  Trump could be a stuffed moose sitting in a museum and it is hard to see how the rhetoric would change.  It doesn't matter what he says or does, because those who hate him--who hate the idea of ideational diversity, and hate even more the idea that their cause is unjust, and their crusades damaging to the very people for whom they claim to speak--are not listening.

It has apparently not occurred to them yet to accuse Trump of not listening, but it would be a logical extension of the\ fundamental process of projecting onto ideological Others all their fears, manias, aggressions, and other unprocessed emotions.

I was walking in the park the other day and saw a guy with a t-shirt that said in enormous letters "Black Lives Matter", and underneath it "Unapologetic Radical", and I thought: there is a guy who has built a wall around his core self, and instituted perennial rage as an alternative to feeling whatever is going on inside.  He isn't helping black people.  And Radicalism is the result of the inability to embrace gradualism, which is the only creed historically which actually works.  It is the inability to touch nuance, to relate to other human beings in an honest and genuinely loving way.  It is the mark of an outcast, of someone whose social brain has not developed properly, who does not really understand human feelings, and who substitutes abstraction in their stead.

Very few of us, today, confront genuine injustice in our personal lives, other than perhaps bad bosses.  But the world, of course, is filled with both genuine and manufactured injustices.  And if you want access to Perma-Rage, then simply create impossible demands, and rail continually against the fact that they have not been met.  This is a loop out of personal development, out of inner work, and it readily supports infantilism, and absolute emotional stagnation, all while presenting to the person internally the excitement of being "useful" and part of a grand romantic crusade.


I woke up feeling this morning that in a healthy world, there would be no need to talk about compassion.  In a healthy world there would be no need to speak of tolerance.  Everything would be negotiated between individuals on a case by case basis, coming from a place of emotional plenty, genuine empathy, and a shared understanding that the human condition is both tragic and glorious.  Tragic in that we will all suffer here.  It cannot be avoided.  Glorious, in that this suffering can be transcended.

I have had this song stuck in my head the past couple days: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR-2ctCRukA

His girl (perhaps his boy) doesn't love him any more.  Or perhaps he has realized that the love was never truly there, and they just didn't know each other very well, which is more likely.  Sex makes people feel closer, for a time, even if they are both emotionally undeveloped and suffering the lack every day without knowing it.  It made me cry.  There is so much pain in this world, and this person may never reach a good resting place, a place of emotional safety, of warranted and rewarded trust, of belonging.  He may travel this world as a hungry ghost all the days of his life.  It happens often.  You reach the time to die, and you don't quite know how you got there, but you know pain was barking at your heels the whole way.

I feel, often, the pain of the world.  I myself of course am covered in scars. I was cut emotionally to the bone with a razor often.  I don't know why I am still alive emotionally.  Something in me seems very hard to kill.  There is a resurgent energy which keeps me going, even if I don't know how I keep going.  Many years of my life were just trying to get through one more day, and just trying to get through one more hour of that day.

But I do feel something beautiful slowly opening up in me.  I find an acceptance of all this.  I find myself feeling, for split seconds, like I imagine "normal" people feel.

We live in a world of noise.  Everyone is competing for your attention.  Everyone, seemingly, wants something.

I made some effort years ago to "monetize" my ideas, but it felt wrong.  I don't know if my ideas are any good, and I am quite uncomfortable in the role of emotional guru.  I have far too many problems of my own. I remain fucked up in important ways.

I like the purity of this blog.  There are no ads, no links, nothing.  I don't even have my name on here.

I'm talking out loud.  Time to do my Kum Nye practice.  It is an odd thing, that it always feels like jumping on a boat floating down a river whose course I don't know.  I never know what will come up, or where I will go.  This is part of the practice: just letting it happen.  The Nye, the massage, does itself.  And when it works well, it feels like going sideways emotionally, cutting across the deep ruts of my habitual patterns, and creating the possibility of something new.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Fear and Sadness

I touched deeply the sadness I felt as a child today.  You would think if I had a sad childhood, I would know it by now.  Truthfully, what I remember is normal, but always being a bit emotionally disconnected.

But this is what I realizing about dissociation: the emotions continue.  You are not actually suppressing them; you are just suppressing AWARENESS of them.  Which means I have an entire emotional history which is foreign to me, some of which came back today.

And what hit me is that sadness hurts more than fear.  Fear is unpleasant, yes, but it out there.  Sadness is within you, and it is much deeper.  It is more absorptive.  It touches more of your core self.

And then it hit me that this is the simplest explanation for horror movies: fear pushes sadness away for a while.  You are swapping one emotional discomfort for another.

My work continues.  I'm watching Zootopia tonight. I don't feel like dealing with anything serious.

The Sense of Self

I feel that the sense of self is best thought of as an Emergent Property of a long series of what might be called "ping and response events".  You send a call out into the world, and an answer comes back. You do it again, and another answer comes back, reliably.

As time goes on, and you get older, the quality of the pings begins to matter more.  You send a specific sort of energy out into the world, and you get back an appropriate response, one which matches, or fits, your call.  You come to understand the quality of your calls as you, and the quality of the answers as others.  You realize you belong within a system.  You are both a self and a part of a larger whole.

Thus, in healthy individuation, one naturally learns to care both for oneself and for others.  Self nurturing and other nurturing are our genetic and evolutionary heritage.  They are, after all, life itself.  We are meant to sustain ourselves and to sustain one another.

Consider, again, what happens when this process breaks down, when individuation does not occur, when no healthy sense of self is possible, because the care-givers never respond appropriately, or perhaps at all.

The organism has an imperative to survive.  In some respects--and I certainly do not think this is a full explanation, but for its part I think it is accurate enough--we are stomachs which evolved bodies and brains to eat more and eat better. If the social brain does not develop properly, the appetites of the body do not disappear.  They come, rather, to seem to be all that matters.

Could we not locate in this mechanism irrational greed?  Sexual predation, made "necessary" by an inability (on some level) to conceive that a woman could consent?  A violence brought into being by an innate sense that the world is conspiring to kill you, a sense which is amplified by the reaction of the world to antisocial and aggressive behavior?

Could we not derive evil from a lack of good, the good of having been heard and seen, felt and nurtured, appropriately?  This point seems obvious, and I'm sure it is, but I am attempting to say old things in a slightly better way.

On another level, I am confronting my own evil, my own unmet needs, the stone wall I faced as a child in the way of contentment and a sense of safety.

And in the process, of course, I am trying to learn more about what it means to be human, to be here, in this body.

And I will add that in my previous post what I was alluding to was an interesting pendulation.  I cycle to abstraction--and speculating about ancient civilizations is abstraction--when I can't stay with feelings.  Emotional health is being able to stay with feelings for a long time, which is to say, the ability to be relaxed and not on edge, not on alert, most of the time.

And I wonder, too, about the personlessness--the radical devaluation of the individual--in "utopian" schemes and the failures to individuate of the intellectuals who obsess about such schemes.  Communism feels right to them because it is a world, in theory, where they belong, because you don't have to have any distinguishing traits.  Self evidently, such people often consider their politics to be their distinguishing trait, but at root I think many or most of them are sad children.

It is a psychopathology, and like all pathologies, worth explaining in as much detail as possible, at least when speaking in generalities.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Other oddities



I will from time to time intentionally go into "liminal" areas.  I will read about UFO's (best evidence is that aliens exist, and visit us; I won't justify this comment at length other than to say I put a lot of time and effort into reaching this conclusion, which is shared by a number of NASA astronauts, and one former Minister of Defense of Canada), or giants, or, as I am doing presently, revisiting the evidence for a lost but highly advanced, likely global, civilization which existed at least 12,000 years ago.

I chose to drink tonight.  I said to myself before my meditation today that if I went into overwhelm, I would allow it.  Well, fucking shit hit.  I can't describe what hits me, but my past description of "mainlining fear" is close enough.  I'm somewhat used to it.  I am largely resistant to it.  I can allow massive amounts of fear to flow through me without fearing the fear.  But I have limits.  There is a point where I disappear.  And I did.

Returning to the topic, and attempting to make a circle of this, I continue to wonder what it is we don't know.  I continue to think that a socially and psychologically advanced people would not need air conditioning, fancy food, indoor plumbing, or the light bulb.  What if the whole of their "technology" were oriented around maintaining an individual and thus social sense of harmony and health?  What else, in the end, do you need (besides music)?

Actually, I will go there.  There is a perception I wanted to share I hope I can put into words.

When I feel a bit lost and alone, I have a variety of coping tools, but one of them is to imagine that things worked, once, long ago.  By extension, they may work again, if we can rediscover what they knew then.

I feel, and this is an intuitive guess, that many Leftists have this exact same sense, this nostalgia, this Fernweh, this Saudade (if I might mix languages and linguistic intents), this sense that wherever you are, you want to be somewhere else.  When you do not love yourself, you want to be somewhere else, if you cannot be someone else.

So I read some Communist movie will be played here locally to the accompaniment of our orchestra.  Rich, well dressed people will go spend good money to watch a movie remembering the revolution with nostalgia.  What is it they really want?  They want a home.  They want a sense of belonging.

And these things, for most of them, are "out there".  They are not present to their awareness.  They may be longings and aspirations they share with other people, but their connection to those other people is contingent on a shared delusion: that collectivism is something other than putting the rapists and murderers in charge of everything.

If you watch, there is an oscillation here, from here, to there, and back again.

I watch these things--I don't know what I'm going to write until I write it, quite often--and find them instructive.  All of us have deep patterns within us, things which make sense, but which can only be viewed accurately from a distance.

I will leave this there.  Yes, I know I am talking out loud, but it is making sense to me, and I feel better.

My work continues.  I have many miles to go before I wake.

And it does not help that the road I travel I am inventing as I move.

Edit: I read this, and there is of course stunning logical consistency here.  Emotional logic, but logic nonetheless.  I always walk straight lines, even when I am swaying.

If you ever want to show me a full circle, I can stay there with you the whole way.  Not many people can say that.

Cure for Cancer


This story was new to me.  It appears well validated, and I have in fact read of recent work along these lines which purports to be "cutting edge".

How much good, I wonder, has been erased from the world by dismal and unimaginative people who think power, wealth and prestige are worth a bucket of warm spit?  Who, in other words, are STUPID in the only ways that really matter?


I am going to consciously confront something publicly that is a little painful for me.  No, I have no confessions to make. I've been pretty open and honest.

What I am realizing is that what comes AFTER confronting evil, is the following realization that all sorts of human feelings and emotions are underdeveloped in me. I am stunted in some ways, which I compensate for intellectually.  I think there are many like me.  I think, in fact, that most "intellectuals" are like me, just much less honest, and much less willing--and, to be sure, able--to go doubtful and painful places.

They say a neurological basis of social connection is mirror neurons.  In a healthy and satisfying attachment process, the infant learns that what it feels, others feel--that there is an "out there" which speaks back and can be conversed with, even if of course the conversation will take several more years to do in words.  And this talking back, this reaction, this connection, teaches the infant that those emotions exist, that they are valid--in the sense that some reaction is appropriate.  For example, when an infant cries, in a healthy mother/child relationship it will reliably be comforted.  If it is hungry it will be fed.  If its stomach hurts it will be burped, etc.  If it is happy, the caregiver is happy back.

This process not only creates a loop between care giver and infant, but also WITHIN the infant in that its own feelings are validated.  It does not have to learn to reject its own feelings in order to meet the emotional needs of the care-giver, which is the case is bad bonding.

And turning to that process, unnurturing mothers view crying infants not as a helpless being in need of comfort, but a nuisance to shut up.  They view small children expressing natural curiosity as brats who need to be spanked.  They view children who are always asking questions as annoying and disrespectful.  Sooner or later, such children learn to internalize the undesirability of those emotions, and by extension, spontaneous expressions of any sort.

They learn, in other words, to view with mistrust and fear their own feelings.

This, here, is where I think the heart of addiction lies.  Emotions and feelings are how we navigate the world.  They are what tell us who we are, and what we want, and what is worth pursuing.  They tell us when we feel a special connection with someone.  They tell us when we feel a special connection with a certain kind of work or activity.

Imagine if you will living in a world where every last spontaneous impulse generates an immediate feeling of fear and even revulsion.  Imagine trying to individuate in such a world, to develop a core self and sense of agency.

You can't not feel.  What you can do is reject all your feelings--which you have no hope of differentiating, since they were not differentiated effectively by the parent, and you have not yet learned that skill--then drink to numb the social isolation and internal pain that causes.

The evil is what pushes you out of your natural world, the one where things make sense, and being who you are is not a crime.  But where it pushes you to is a confusing world where all our natural, inherent, instinctual way-markers have been conditioned out of existence, or perhaps worse yet, reversed, so that anything good is seen as bad, and all bad seen as good; or perhaps most accurately: the whole fucking thing so muddles up it is hard to tell what is what.

This is what has driven me personally to develop my analytical faculty to the extent I have.  I don't have a clue who I am on an experiential level, and I have had to treat the entire world as an extended practical joke, at least in theory.  I would guess it is what led Descartes to his effort to create a philosophy from first principles.  Knowing nothing else about him than that he separated body/mind, and that he loved to sleep in every morning, I would guess he had considerable trauma in him he was never able to name or express.

It seems likely many famous people had terrible things in them they could not live down, could not express, and could not escape.

But we are gradually developing a vocabulary for all this, a praxis, orienting ideas based in good science.  This is all to the good.

Neurologically, circulating sensations, which is the goal of Kum Nye, would seem ideally suited to the loosening up of what amount to mental spasms, and to recontacting instinctual knowledge that was suppressed through punishment or neglect.

My own sessions this week have been quite interesting.  I can sometimes feel a sense that "I" have merged with space, and am present to a circulation of the Ten Thousand Things within me, in what in all candor feels like a colorful circus.  It has circus energy, whatever that means.

And to return to the topic, if you think about it, a connection with another human being is really a circulation, isn't it?  Isn't that a better metaphor?  A connection is static, but a circulation is when I send a feeling, and you respond, then I respond, and the whole circularity of it, the appropriateness of responses on both sides, is how we know we are connecting and bonding.  They may be a conversation in words, which is also a sort of circulation, but the words are determined by what happens beneath the words.

Likewise, intrapsychically, a healthy person will feel something, recognize they feel something, then respond appropriately.  Not all feelings, obviously, can be acted on, but a mature person recognizes and accepts this.  This, itself, is a reaction.

What I would submit is that absent healthy intrapsychic flow, healthy inter-psychic flow, that between people, is necessarily stunted.  The messages are not properly sent or received.  There is poor communication, and poor communication means poor flow of connection.

And practically, this can and often does cause psychic contraction.  You feel some combination of "people just don't get me", and "I am weird and different".

No, what has happened is that you do lack skill, but that it is a skill like any other, that with open practice, you will get better at.

In my own case, I am an outstanding faker.  But I am not going to do that any more, as much as I can help it (and this is no doubt a tide which comes in and out).  It is a stupid game, and if I aim for one thing in my life, it is to not be stupid.

Clarifying Statement

Everyone has the right to speak their mind, but nobody has the right to demand people listen.

When Trump says the media is the enemy of our country, he is, OBVIOUSLY, not saying that we should not have a free press, or that news should not be reported.

What he is saying is that most media outlets have set as an agenda the eradication of our Constitutional protections from tyranny, the cessation of independent thought, and the disruption and eventual eradication of alternative viewpoints.  They work hand in glove with the radicals--which is the core--of the Democrat Party, Quisling Republicans, and very, very wealthy people who hope to use the new order for their own benefit.

CNN will not be banned.  It will simply become progressively less relevant, at least if the American people are not as stupid as CNN thinks they are.


How long would you be willing to work hard for nothing?  How long would you be willing to work AT ALL for nothing?  How about for CLOSE to nothing?

Legally, corporations are people.  I have talked about why this is one of the smartest legal innovations in human history, because it fosters innovation and risk which otherwise would not happen.

But think about it: if the government takes their money in the form of taxes, and regulatory burdens that amount to taxes, how long will they pursue what they do with enthusiasm?

How much sense does it make to say "the institutions that employ most Americans and provide them with income are the root cause of the problems in this country, and the solution is to put the people who take money from those job creating institutions in charge of everything, and make them larger and more difficult to deal with."?

The iPhone was invented--or at least mass produced--for profit.  So was the telephone.  So was the power grid.  So was the automobile.

Socialism and its allegedly "scientific", more perfect offspring Communism, is based upon the idea that if we eliminate all psychologically normal motivations and replace them with coercion, everyone will be happier.

It really is that dumb.  And that lunacy, and stupidity, and evil, is on display in the wreckage of the 20th century, and the hellholes which still employ this logic, like Cuba and North Korea.

For their parts, China and India finally granted that nobody wants to work for nothing.  That is what slaves do, and they only work because if they don't they get whipped and starved.

Whipping and starving: these are the two cornerstones of modern "Liberalism", as it is pleased to disingenuously call itself.

If you doubt it, attack Cuba in front of somebody claiming they "increased literacy" (so their propaganda would be more effective), and see how long the pretense of moderation and concern for the common good holds up.

Large and small moments

Imagine we and everything we know exists as a holographic projection within an infinite space.  Is that space not what is most important?

We distract ourselves with minutiae.  But only if we see God within that minutiae, as Ramanujan did in numbers, can that be called worship, which is to say life.

I'm feeling unusually mystical for some reason.  The past week has been both exhausting and illuminating.  I am not drinking, still.  What I am watching for is an inability to manage the emotions which wash over me.  So far, I am staying present, and that is good.

I am, in fact, processing MORE emotions.  That is better yet.

Note to Global Warming researchers:

Do you really want to grow old doing bad science in support of a political agenda you cannot control?

You are useful tools, nothing more.  What those who control you really want, you cannot know.

It is obvious, though, that anyone willing to tell one lie now, could be telling multiple lies now; and anyone willing to lie now, will also be willing to lie in the future.

The Holy Grail

The Tao is an empty vessel; it is used, but never filled.
Oh, unfathomable source of ten thousand things!
Blunt the sharpness.
Untangle the knot.
Soften the glare.
Merge with dust.
Oh, hidden deep but ever present!
I do not know fro whence it comes.
It is the forefather of the gods.

Tao Te Ching 4.

I will add that I am realizing that the bigger I want to be, the smaller I must become.

The significance of ignoring the best data

Global Warming is a simple, scientifically formatted hypothesis: that 1) CO2 in the atmosphere causes heat retention; 2) that adding CO2 on a global basis will likely increase atmospheric CO2 levels; and 3) that this increase will cause large increases in overall global temperature, which will cause rising sea levels, destruction of reefs, and much dislocation of human population living near the ocean.

It does not, to be clear, even in the most extremist scenarios, envision anything other than a massive inconvenience, and the loss of a considerable amount of biological diversity.  And what it never mentions is the longer and more productive agricultural seasons we would see particularly in Russia and Canada if this hypothesis were true.

Be that as it may, point number 1 was of course proven long ago.  I sometimes see my arguments rebutted--so they seem to think--with reference to discoveries made in the 19th century.  OF COURSE CO2 is a Greenhouse Gas, so called.  No one disputes it.

The points relevant to the discussion, though, are 1) it is only relevant at higher altitudes; and 2) its relative influence is cut in half with each doubling.  It makes a huge difference initially, then makes less and less of a difference of the more of it there is.  It is strongly implied in Warmist language that there is a linear relationship between CO2 accumulation and temperature, but nothing in the literature supports this.  The fact is the more there is, the less it matters.

To my point, though: the key, absolutely unavoidable, absolutely clear postulate of this hypothesis is that massive warming will happen in the Upper Troposphere.  This is where the warming MUST begin, for the hypothesis to be true.  There is no Option B.  There is no possibility of switching from Warming to Change.  This is the SINGLE data point upon which the entire edifice hinges.  It is the core data point from which the entire usefulness and importance of the many billion business of Global Warming "research" emanates.

We have real time, highly accurate, and long term (4 decades or so) data.  And what does it show?  Nothing.  It shows some warming, but nothing faster than the overall atmosphere itself, when basic physics would require 3 or more times the warming we see for the hypothesis to be true.

I have made this point before.  The data is clear that this whole thing is "fake news", although the consequences of this fake news are much bigger than is normally the case.

The point I wanted to make here is that very intelligent, highly funded, very capable people continue to attempt to use very difficult, highly suspect, and ultimately unreliable measurements, as sculpted through statistical models created through both guesswork (and in my view subterfuge) to estimate overall land temperature, and even computer models to guess OCEAN temperature, at the bottoms of the oceans.

Why do they do this?  Why do they want to use as arguments bad--or at least suspect and highly unreliable--data to continue to argue for public policy oriented around reducing Greenhouse Gas emissions, and specifically CO2 emissions?


Speculate, then, from there.  But speculate KNOWING that science is not at the core of this thing.  It is not the core aim, and this is CLEARLY the case. If the more generous want to ascribe idealistic motives to these massive lies, so be it.  But lies they are.  Demonstrably, and irrefutably.

People trying to provide real solutions to real problems look for the best, most relevant data.  They do not fight for the inclusion of and reliance on the worst data.

Alex Jones and the boy who cried wolf

I see some attacks on Alex Jones in the complicit media lately, and I wonder: "what could they hope to accomplish?"

Here is the thing: nobody who was capable of watching alternative media has failed to grasp that our system is corrupt to the core, ideologically driven, and that the ideology in question is a cultural corrosive which has as its aim the final vitiation of all Constitutional restraints, and the institution in permanent power of an elite who aim to demonize and likely commit acts of mass violence against all dissent.

Everything in the State, nothing outside the State, nothing against the State.  Simple enough.  And self evidently, all for our own good.  They are PROTECTING us, not oppressing us.  Because, you know, global warming and open bathroom rights for all.

So all ANY complicit media member has to do is say or even imply that somebody is NOT ONE OF US, and all the following evils have already been "tagged" onto that person.  They are, by dint of being accused of non-conformity, all of the following, plus whatever might seem to need to be tagged on: stupid, crazy, racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, for polluting air and water, in the thrall of evil corporations, etc.  They have no real means of differentiating Bill O'Reilly from Alex Jones, and there is little point in doing so.  It might appear to enhance their attacks on Trump temporarily, but to what point?  Most of America isn't listening.  We showed that on Election Day, and they still have not processed it.  How much more hate does one need to gin up when people are already frothing at the mouths in the streets?

The people who respond to the Pavlovian call of "wolf" are already responding.  This number is unlikely to get any bigger, and seems on the contrary to be shrinking.  How long can you say the same stupid fucking things about everyone and everybody who disagrees with you before the spell starts wearing off?  That was the whole point of the fairy tale.

But what I myself would say about Jones is that for a very long time he was on the fringe even for me.  I would visit Drudge and Lucianne, mainly, sometimes Front Page Mag, and Arts and Literature Daily when I thought about it.  Yahoo on occasion, and of course Facebook.  That was about it.

But in the lead up to the election he was one of the only people talking about the polls being skewed.  He was one of the only ones talking about voter fraud.  He WAS the only one who seemed to share my growing sense that our system was being manipulated by a power elite.  That there is a "Superclass" seems to be beyond question.  Here is one book on the topic: https://www.amazon.com/Superclass-Global-Power-Elite-Making/dp/0374272107 .

The only questions are how homogeneous they are in their aims, and what those aims are.  Global Warming clearly seems to be one tool they use.  Unregulated mass immigration seems to have been another recent one used to radically alter the face of Europe.  The eradication of national borders seems to be another goal, one seemingly articulated by Hillary to an approving group of bankers who presumably where in this class.

So my standard line for some time has been that Jones is half crazy, but he still needs to be paid attention to.  He says things nobody else is saying, that are often--not always, but often--worth listening to.

It really is odd that we seem to live in a time when people demand "purity" from their news, that they never say anything speculative, even when in fact, of course, virtually everything most "news" sources says is either speculative or, worse and more commonly, intentionally misleading and manipulative.

Jones--and he is like Donald Trump in this regard, even though I think Trump is much smarter--speaks his mind. He says what he is thinking.  He is not trying to footnote his every comment.

And obviously he brings emotion to the whole thing.  He loses it on camera sometimes.  He explodes because he is ANGRY at the abuses he feels are happening.

Intelligent people who actually took advantage of their education to improve their ability to process information never need fear contrary viewpoints.  If they are farcical--as is the case, when you get to its root, with Global warming--they can be ignored.  If they seem clearly to be true, then they should be listened to.

But there is this wide, large category of "maybe true".  This is where alleged 'professionals" get cold sweats.  This is where information which contradicts long held views, or viewpoints which they have worked long and hard to reach, becomes dangerous.

But simply because it is emotionally dangerous to the people we are indoctrinated to blindly trust as "experts", who have failed us again and again, does not mean that we should stop listening, or refuse to form our own viewpoints.

The whole merit of that ideational plurality which is protected by free speech and the freedom of religion, is that when you have many competing ideas, the best ones rise to the top.  ONLY when you suppress viewpoints can they fail to win the attention and respect they deserve.

And modern science too--if I might shift gears slightly, since this points is patently obvious with regard to political commentary masking as journalism--regrettably, shows again and again and again that even though they have the freedom of speech in theory, our systems have gate-keepers who would be perfectly in place in any totalitarian regime, and who ironically enough are WORSE than those in many totalitarian regimes.  Much of the most interesting work in fields like psi, and what might be called "alternative biology" has necessarily been done in Communist nations like the USSR and China, because the American censors are WORSE than theirs.

The Communists only cared about political purity.  They had and have no scientific ideas they have to protect.  That is not the case in America, and most of Europe generally.

My vote is that the crazies, so called, always get to speak their voice, and get an honest hearing, at least if they meet very, very minimal standards.

As I think about it, in the scientific community, in this country especially, and especially in anything that touches the American Medical Association, we have SHOW TRIALS, do we not?

I think of Cleve Backster, where the only attempted replication of his work was not done following his clearly stated experimental protocol, which then ironically enough said that his protocol was not "scientific", even though he regularly demonstrated his results to any visitors who came by his lab for DECADES.  This was BIG NEWS in certain circles.  He was crucified in public, after a mockery of an effort at replication.  Their interaction with his work was exactly homologous to the efforts of the Soviets and their satellites to conduct honest criminal trials of dissidents who had already been convicted.

If you read his book, Primary Perception, you see the ridiculousness of the "scientific community" claiming to have tested and falsified his very long term experimental work.  He does through it in some detail, since he was an honest person.

Hell, even MythBusters accidentally validated his work, then made sure the next experiment failed.

As Sir Winston put it: 

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

I could go on--there are many examples I could cite off the top of my head--but I have things to do.

The POINT is that if you are not regularly assuming that much of what you were taught COULD be wrong--not, note, that it IS wrong, but that you could be much stupider and more ignorant than you presently realize--then are missing half of the data which is zipping by your head.  Some of it you can throw away immediately.  But much of it, I would suggest, intelligent people will file away for possible future use.

If you are building anything--and building better ideas clearly applies--you are only as good as the tools and materials you have available for your use.  Ponder that.

Friday, February 24, 2017


How the fuck is anyone who made it through grade school unable to distinguish between LEGAL and ILLEGAL immigration?

Bawling and whining

I get the feeling with the Left at the moment that they just can't get over the idea that their parents said no to the fourth glass of Grape Kool-Aid.  But they really WANT it.  They had some before and they want more NOW.  NOW.  NOW.

You want to be gay.  Fine.

You want to get married.  Fine.

You want to dress up like a girl and pretend you are a girl. Weird, but fine.

You want to tell ME what gender you are?  And change it whenever you want to?  Full stop.  You know what, let's just call it quits with the demands for a while.

And if you want to throw a fit, fine.  The cop videos continue to get better.  And if the cops won't do their jobs, at some point the silent majority will not be silent any more.

Audit the Fed

Now is the time.  Is the gold in Fort Knox?  Nobody in government knows.  New York?  Nobody in government knows.  Do member banks routinely vote themselves the creation of hundreds of billions of dollars?  That one, likely yes.  They call it Quantitative Easing, and tell us the on-going dilution of the value of our money, which is profitable for them, is somehow essential to an on-going economic "growth" which does little to make the average American work less for the same money, despite continual productivity gains.

The giant, silent sucking sound at the center of our economy is that of people doing EXACTLY what Marx accused Capitalists of doing: getting rich while contributing nothing inherently useful.  An industrialist has to build a factory.  A banker just has to create the money to loan to the industrialist, and they both get rich, even though only one of them actually makes anything.

Ford was right and wrong when he said, approximately  "it is probably a good thing most Americans don't understand our financial system: if they did, they would be up in arms by tomorrow morning."  He was wrong, in that they SHOULD be made to understand, to care, and to force our elected representatives to fix this system.

Auditing the Fed of course is just the beginning.  It is the institution of fractional reserve banking itself, which it serves to support, which needs to be ended.  It is theft.  Monetary inflation is theft.  It is theft which does sometimes benefit the economy, but without which, the economy overall would not long need.

Everyone a Capitalist ought to be the proper motto of the Right and the Left.

Thursday, February 23, 2017


What is coming to me is that addiction is the dealing of evil to oneself.  There is an awareness, a cosmic, Primary Process level awareness, of evil that has been done.  But it hard, so very hard, to confront evil on its own level, to feel it breathing in your face, and to know that it, too, is you.  It is not out there.  As weak as you may feel, something within you feels power, and perhaps the ONLY power it can find is the ability to sabotage everything you do.

Here is the thing: yes, of course, various chemicals can cause with overuse over time physiological dependency, but most people get off them long enough at least once in their lives to be physiologically free.  Most people who die of heroin overdoses, if I had to guess, have been scared enough at least once to give it up for a month or more, which would I think be sufficient.

Why do they relapse?  Because some part of them wants them to fail, because failing is easier than confronting the evil in them, that was done to them, suffered by them. It is a wrenching, extraordinarily unpleasant feeling.  Everything is suddenly floating, and nothing is certain, but underneath it all is an aggressive darkness.  The trick is to learn it is not after anyone or anything.  It simply eats what is in its path, whatever presents itself to it.  And addiction is a sacrifice to it, a self sacrifice, one which does in fact often end in premature death physically, and emotional death--or disfigurement--long before that.

As I'm sure I've mentioned, rats given an adequate amount of social contact and play time never get addicted to cocaine, no matter how often it is offered to them. Cocaine is not a solution to a problem they have.  It is the lonely, dispirited rats which originally made people think Cocaine itself had some intrinsic magical addictive power.

To surrender to evil is not to give it power.  It is to recognize the power you have been giving it, without realizing it.  It is saying "you are there and I am here.  I see you.  I recognize you.  And now I am going to choose to live my life without you, but without forgetting you are there."

I think in many addicts (and my own addiction has never really risen to this level; by most standards, I think, it has been balanced and moderate, even if the absolute quantities might scare some people) the bottle, or spoon, or needle comes to seem to be the enemy.  But it is the enemy they can't do without.  It is something that hates them that they willingly submit to.

In my own heart, I feel I did this with one and likely both of my parents.  They were abusive, but there was always an outward patina of fun and "we didn't really mean it.  It's all in your head".  It wasn't in my head, but that sort of thing fucks with your brain.  So I went along to get along.  That's what kids are forced to do.

So you have this double bind.  You have an abusive situation you have to endure, and you have the lies you have to tell to make it all work, like "they really love me; they just don't know how to show it".  Or in my own case, dissociation and retreat from reality and a sort of passive acceptance of everything, like I was in a trance.

And you learn to endure the abuse, and to rationalize the abuse, and to make excuses for the abuse.  But you don't say that to yourself.  You come to make the abnormal seem normal.

And this is where addiction comes in: addiction UNDERSTANDS that you are an abnormal person trying to live in normal world, but that being abnormal is how you feel normal.  When you check out in one way or another, that is when you return to something you know, or knew. When you leave the social universe, that is when you can be your real self.

So Keith Richards had it right and wrong when he talked about what people do to "not be themselves" for a few hours.  I would argue who he was normally, when he wasn't high, never felt normal to him at all.

And the pretending is exhausting.  Trying to explain yourself to people who don't listen, who often are dealing with similar issues themselves: far better a consistent narcotic.

I am speaking out loud here, but these are some thoughts floating through my mind as I try for sobriety again, with some warranted hope, I think, that this time it may actually take.

Honest shadow work

At the bottom of most of us is a primordial ooze.  It is an unpleasant, thick, goo, and it is where all our reflexive habit and thought patterns are stuck.  If you are stuck--and pretty much all of us are stuck--there has to be a stuck place.  The image that came to me for this is ooze, something like, if I might borrow from the Talking Heads, vaseline with sand in it.

I find it a bit comical watching people, particularly self identified "Nice People", try and do shadow work.  Oh, they might say, I just care too much sometimes.  I get too wrapped up in other people's problems.  Sometimes at the end of the day I find myself a bit irritable.  And just the other day I said something mean to my sister.

Honest shadow work is feeling deeply your own participation in evil.  You are capable of being happy when you read someone who once crossed you got run over by a car.  You are capable of feeling silent approval when self identifying "anti-Fascists" use Fascist tactics against Trump supporters.

Doing shadow work is not an idle or easy process.

And I will do a little more on myself.  I have been contemplating putting up a post titled "how big an asshole are you?", dealing with shadow work, but as I look in the mirror, what I realize is that I say all sorts of shit I probably shouldn't say.  I speculate about the depth of people's internal emotional states, when I myself am not even capable yet of feeling deep love or affection.  I don't know what I don't know, yet somehow I find myself preaching.

Some of the most basic things other people do naturally, I don't understand. I don't trust anyone fully (although to be sure, I don't know many trustworthy people).

But seeing all this is to the good.  If one thing becomes manifest, its opposite will sooner or later manifest too.  That has been my problem: I could not get distance on any of this, could not make it concrete, could not precipitate it so I could learn from it.

Resist not Evil

I think I am psychologically ready now to sleep through the night.  I have some issues with snoring that wake me up, but I am intelligent and have good solutions in place. I have always known what to do: I just could not bring myself to feel I was worth doing it for.

Over the past 3-4 days I have felt this constant presence of the feeling of evil.  And what I realize is that what was done to me was very wrong, and that part of me reacted as was inevitable--by internalizing some of that malice--and directing it at myself.  I do not treat myself the way I would other people, and never have. I realized that I have always felt like a stranger, and not an important one at that.

I have covered this up, of course, with self importance, continual outrage, prodigious marathons of abstraction, and proactive anger which has likely sometimes extended into bullying.

But what I feel is that there is an evil in this world, and that we need to accept it.  We cannot do away with it.  It is part and parcel of this place, of this plane of existence.    Treating it as exceptional or unusual is to fail to understand how things are and always have been.  This does not mean we should not oppose it physically and concretely, but there is a spirit in the air, and it is in all of us.  To become fully calm, we have to know and accept that we all have wild beasts within us, and that those who perform acts of evil are not as different from the rest of us as we would like.

And I think if we are honest, most of us do commit small acts of anger, of venom, of dishonest, passive aggression, of disconnection and banishment, etc.

As Christ said: let he who is without sin cast the first stone. So often, I think, we punish others because we are loathe to acknowledge our own short-comings.  Judging others is so much easier than judging ourselves, and it is so much more pleasant to direct self loathing into self righteousness, anger, and violence.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

John Podesta


Here is the email where he talks about playing dominos.

In context--he has received a gift of cheese, rather than the usual gift of pasta--this can be explained in a non-sinister way.

You could spin it, of course, in other ways, but this is not the smoking gun I thought it was.


As I may have shared at some point, I used to carry a pocket copy of Sun Tzu's "Art of War" with me.  In that era we have now forgotten before smart phones, I would pull it out and read it when I had a few spare minutes.  At the top of all considerations, you need the Way, or Tao.  You need mojo.  It is an indefinable something, but it is quite real.  The Patriots have it. Back in the day, the 49'ers had it.

Trump has it.

But we are looking at a long, long hard slog in the days ahead.  The battle lines are drawn. The enemies of freedom have shown their true colors.  They include all people capable of voting for today's Democrats, and a significant segment of the Republican Party.  What we have seen with the Bill Kristols and the National Review and the Never Trump'ers is that, as is the case with the Left, ideological purity is much more important to them than concrete action, than accomplishment.  They insist on a sort of collegiality with the Left which, at the end of the day, does not allow them to draw any solid or enduring MORAL distinctions between their own ideas and those of the Left.  They would dispute this, of course, but I would say that in practical terms, Trump has done more in a short period to unmask the collectivist and totalitarian agenda of the American Left than they have in 50 years.  Practically, they are irrelevant.  But they still oppose Trump.

And perhaps most importantly, and this is the point of this post, we have what is called "The Deep State".  It is good we are seeing this term appear in orthodox conversations.  They are perhaps the source of all the surface confusion and attack.

But who are they, and what do they want?  Are they homogeneous, or diverse?  Are their aims clear or confused and conflicting?  How could they be identified?

Sun Tzu teaches that any idiot can attack their enemies.  True strategists attack their PLANS.  And if it is true that the Deep State is the real enemy--and it seems that the media is simply one of their tools, even if the most obvious and ubiquitous one--then Trump needs to attack their Way, their plans.

Obviously, this is a foggy group.  But I do have one idea which appeals to me on all levels: take seriously the idea that the power elite engage in systematic pedophilia.  That pizza place in Washington was a nexus of the power elite in our Capital, and something was very definitely wrong there.  Find Anthony Weiner's laptop and find out if it contained what Eric Prince said it contained.  Put a full time task force on the job of finding out if there is any truth to these rumors.  One arrest may lead to another to another to another.

My gut sense is that the wealthiest people on this planet, in general, are sick.  The government of the United States, though, is more powerful, if it is directed properly.

Monday, February 20, 2017

What would be intelligent

Would be using this whole Milo fiasco to LEARN.  Who is he, really?  What do his experiences say about homosexuality generally?  What unspoken truths about the process of becoming gay can we put into the public domain?  There are some obvious stories here which might be illuminating, if the bastards trying to crucify him had the capacity to listen and learn.

Removing people from discussions is, in my own view, disgusting, especially if they are thoughtful, and capable of expressing themselves.

How the fuck do you learn when you lock people out?  Who wants to confine what they are pleased to call a "conversation" to like-minded people?  Idiots.  That is who.  Determined idiots, who want to remain that way.

In my own world, it is perfectly OK to criticize people, but if you think throwing them into the pit is an interesting, clever, or effective solution, then you are my enemy. Engage with them.  Insult them if you need to, but listen to their responses.  Solve problems.  Hear the songs of human diversity and difference, even if they repulse you.

And fuck you National Review, on general principle.  Fucking Quislings, you sacks of shit.  You are worse than the Left.  We expect them to betray us.  That is who they are, and do not claim to be anything else. I really hope your publication fails badly.

Perhaps, I should say MORE. I'm not sure where it stands, since I haven't read an NR article in at least six months.

I remember staying after school in high school to read that magazine.  I loved it.  But blue bloods can be traitors too, can't they?  

There is this swirling mix all of us must confront daily, if we are honest.  I don't know where it is going.  I know that Donald Trump is a very disciplined and determined human being, and he seems to be surrounding himself with people like himself.

I will offer one thought exercise: if you lost power for a week, how much of the news could possible affect you directly?  Does the Education Secretary really make a difference?  Trumps comments on Sweden?  Whatever the other fucking manufactured controversy de jour is?  No: it has no impact on your life.  You would have no way of knowing, even if Trump decided to fuck Melania on the White House lawn.  Everything you know, and thus everything you are reacting to, is funneled to you second, third, or fourth hand.  It does not affect the smell of freshly mown grass, the beauty of snow, the formation of clouds, or the course of a day not lived in abstraction and distraction.

Hunger for authentic feeling

I was in the gym today, looking at six different TV's, tuned to 6 different channels, and it hit me that every person watching every one of those channels is waiting for emotion of some sort.  They pay for it, I'm sure, in reality TV: the people who seem to feel big, real, feelings.

There is a hole in the center of our world.

The real Trump tragedy

The Kum of Kum Nye is linguistically equivalent to the Buddhist Shunyata, in my understanding, or Void.  Thus it could be translated as "movement in space".  It asks the question where consciousness "is".  Is it here, or there?  Can it be located?

Often we are encouraged to realize--not visualize, but realize--that the boundaries of the sense of the body are porous.  Where we connect with the air is ambiguous.  We know that all matter is mostly space, do we not?  The empirical difference between space occupied by our bodies, and space NOT occupied by our bodies is quite small.  Ponder this a moment.

For my own purposes, the small difference I would draw, though, is that space is FULL, and only slightly more--or perhaps less, which is an interesting thought in itself--full where we are present.

The Void of the Buddhists is, in my considered view, the same as the Quantum Vacuum or Zero Point Field posited by Quantum physicists.  It is a field of nearly infinite energy.  It was used some years ago to DERIVE F=MA, where the field itself constituted the cause of inertia and drag. Perhaps mass itself.  There are a whole lot of things to unpack from this largely ignored, but completely mainstream idea.

But the point I wanted to make is that there is a large Ku which I seem to sometimes swim in.

And what I see is that all these people buying into these lunatic ideas about Trump, those who have been buying into the lunacy of the Left in general, have NOWHERE ELSE TO GO.  Their families are cold and disconnected.  Their social experience has been insipid and superficial.  Much of their lives is spent consuming media of various sorts: watching TV and movies, playing video games, listening to music someone else created.  When they are with people, they bring the plastic of the media they consume with them.

How often have you found yourself having conversations which consisted in the main in comparing scenes in movies you both have seen?  How often have you felt, truly felt, deep pain, deep joy, deep connection, deep sadness, a deep sense of purpose?  For far too many of us, rarely or never.

You go by, week by week, month by month, decade by decade, and nothing important is said.  Nothing important happens.  Perhaps you get married to someone you don't really know, because you don't even know yourself.  Perhaps you get divorced for some stupid reason.

Children seem to bring a sense of meaning and purpose to many of us, but so many people in the West and Japan are not having children.

What is there?  A shallow grave in which you eventually root, and a death which merely marks, formally, a long term process of dissolution.

What the Left has long marketed is belonging, membership, passion, purpose.  It is a lunatic cult, which categorically rejects individual growth, nuance, and ideosyncrasy; it rejects, in other words, everything which makes life worthwhile and interesting.  But it offers excitement, the same way sex does.  It offers belonging, the same way cults do.

It is a plastic way of life.  There is nothing authentically human or caring about it.  But it gets you from one side to the other.

Thus, what Trump has REALLY brought into stark relief is the moral and emotional poverty of large segments of the industrialized world.  They no longer speak as human beings.  They no longer recognize reason and proportion.  They no longer possess the capacity to form individual judgments.  Every cultural improvement over the past 4,000 years is lost on them.  They long to return to an era of tribalism, rapine, and cultural solipsism, because they do not know what to do with the gift of awareness, and have rejected a priori the possibility of personal authenticity and growth.

My fate

As I have periodically shared, going to bed without drinking is like packing for a nighttime combat mission.  I don't know for sure what's going to happen, but I know it will not be pleasant.

As far as addiction, any physiological withdrawals don't last more than three days or so, and all physical effects are gone within a month or so.

I have gone three months with no alcohol, with no reduction in symptoms, which leads to me to conclude that my shaking and other symptoms have nothing to do with drinking, although short term withdrawals may exacerbate them.

Having tried every other possibility, it seems my only option is to go through these things and learn to live without fear.

Last night was particularly bad.  It was like someone hit me with an electric shock about every ten minutes the first half of the night.  At some point, I was hit about every 5 seconds for minutes at a time.  Eventually, I fell asleep from sheer body fatigue.

At some point, I found myself saying DOWENT TAYEEK, which I realized was probably an infant version of "don't take".  I am told I was very, very attached to my pacifier--which was likely one of the only things I trusted to calm me down--and as with everything else they did, my parents likely took it precipitously one day without explanation.

But here is the interesting thing: I calmed down after that came out.  It was a moment, frozen within me, which thawed, finally. I reached, got in touch with, some primal part of me, and opened a line of communication, of understanding, of respect and listening.

On many surface and internal layers I have neurosis and difficult emotional pain.  But I really think at the very core of the thing, of my self, there is an indefatigable and absolutely committed warrior.  I fight battles continually, and even though they are in my mind, even thought nothing external is going on, they FEEL the same as real battles.

I share this, because I know I'm not the only one.

And later in the night, I was surrounded by zombie children in a library, in a dream.  I told them: I don't fear you, you need to fear ME.

And I look at my own history.  Everything in my past worked to destroy my core sense of self, but I survived.  Everyone in my family is crazy, but they told me I was crazy.  I persisted.

All my life, I have seen things a bit--sometimes a lot--differently.  This is because I am not afraid to pay the cost of being different.  I am not afraid of mockery, or personal attack.  I do not fear for the sense of reality and sound thought I have fought so hard and long to attain.

I have created myself, at great cost of effort and pain.  I have created a world view, a philosophy, a path to a better future.  I have offered solutions to all the problems confronting human kind, and I have been able to do so because on some level I do not fear the dark. I am the one who lives in the dark, and points the way to the light.

The terror impulse must weaken over time.  I can look it in the eye, and know from long experience that I can take what it deals out. I am getting stronger by the day.

At some point, I will become truly interesting.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Education Secretary

I wonder if 1 in 100 of the people doing what they are told, and chanting slogans against Betsy DeVos, know who Obama's Secretary of Education was?  I don't, and I'm a political wonk.  There may well have been more than one.

But as I ponder the graph here, it seems to me this could be drawn another way: dollars spent per unit of educational outcome.  Logically, if there were a relation between dollars spent and outcome, then it would show up in such a graph.

What this graph REALLY shows is that the amount of actual education achieved for dollar spent has been DECREASING, somewhat precipitously.  Our educational Return on Investment has been in steady decline for decades.

How could Betsy DeVos possibly do worse than quadrupling spending and achieving NOTHING?  Science scores actually went DOWN.

I was pondering today the large buildings all large school districts have, filled with people making six figure incomes who never teach students at all.  What if we got rid of all the administrators, or most of them, and took the saved money to pay our teachers $150,000/year, provided they de-unionized, allowed vouchers and school choice, and were willing to be audited periodically?  Would we not attract and keep much better talent?  We need much less governing, and much more doing.  Bureaucracies are cancers, whose nature is to grow and grow and grow, and snuff the life out of everything surrounding them.

I was wondering too if we could require all teachers to be videotaped.  My youngest was telling me that one of the teachers there regularly goes off on hour long rants about nothing.  They will schedule a quiz, and a class discussion, and then she will just go off on a personal tangent and never come back.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of students controlling teacher's fates--because that could easily become a tool of intimidation--but if students could complain, and then point to a video of a teacher being stupid, progress would be possible; again, if the teachers unions can be broken.

No matter what Trump does there will be screaming.  It's hard to believe, though, that it has any chance of working the way it used to in the past.  As one meme floating around has it, Trump could cure cancer, and then be accused of denying the Grim Reaper his due.  The American people--over half, at any rate--see this for what it is: mean spirited, anti-American, intentionally destructive, and filled with lies and blind hate.

The last post

I was drinking, of course,

But I seem to have discovered that despite all my years of dissociation, that I did feel things when they happened, and I can access them now in memory.

At some point, with my history, you do wonder where your life has been.  I have spent so many years just trying to get through the day, just trying to function as a human being.

And I am realizing is that strength is for special occasions.  It should not be needed continually.  Once I get myself calm, I will have very powerful resources I can put to better use.

Saturday, February 18, 2017


Some nights, I feel I have somehow swum into the middle of the dominant stream of American or even Western cultural life.  I will spend hours "dreaming", which is really catching and feeling the feelings of an immense river flowing over and through me.  I do it while sleeping, but it is intense sometimes.

Last night, I kept doing tours of the top of a skyscraper, which had amusement parks, gardens, and everything needed for human life on it.  Except for actual nature, and something other than plastic.

And I looked at my world today, and felt I am plastic, myself.  It's interesting.  I took a class on burial rituals around the world in graduate school, and rural Greeks, as of the mid-90's or so, still buried then dug up their deceased loved ones and placed their bones in an ossuary.  They were finding it tough, then, though, because modern plastics we unthinkingly imbibe delay or even inhibit the natural decay process.

Who knows how much plastic is in me?  But plastic is where I seemingly need to live.  So many of us live there.

Where is this world leading?  Well, you, I, and chance have some say don't we?

I thought I had more to say.  It's been a long day, and I am tired all over.

I am healing, slowly.  I will say that.  I was looking around my space tonight, and I feel I have put my feet in life, often.  Sometimes those experiences freeze up, too.  Sometimes. the risks I took, and the feelings that opened up, freeze up.  I see this.  But I have the key.  The keys.

My place has pictures all over it, and every one has a story.  I could do a two hour tour of the small place where I live. Meaning is everywhere.  My purpose, the strong passions that drive me, is everywhere.

Often, I am silent when I am real.  Oh, but what flows through me!!!  I am oceans.  This is life.  This is life.

What else is on display

The cowardice and complicity of Republican leadership.  They have been pretending for years that it was only Democrat opposition that prevented them from doing X, Y, and Z.  Let us say, passing a budget.  Better yet, a balanced budget.

But whatever merits Paul Ryan may once have had seem to have vanished when he took power.  He is currently third in line to the Presidency.  I remember him coming off as an honest policy wonk, the guy with a plan, the guy who could balance the budget and prevent fiscal ruin.  Where is that guy now?

So, in total, what stands exposed under the Klieg lights Trump brought to Washington is a SYSTEM which makes continuous excuses, but which has run out of excuses.  There is nothing left but the pathetic truths of complicity in crime, apathy, cynical grandstanding with no sincerity, and covert sympathy for the indefensible positions of the Democrats.


I have made this a sort of running joke.  The complicit media continues to fail to grasp the implications of the fact they did their VERY BEST to ensure Trump did not get elected, but that he still got elected.  This means that their VERY BEST, now, is unlikely to achieve any other result.  They make mountains of mole-hills.  They lie when the story isn't good enough, and when there isn't a story that makes Trump look bad, they simply make it up out of whole cloth.  They are skilled tailors.

But the American people get this.  They have demonstrated it time and time again, and most importantly on November 8th, when the media had Hillary a virtually lock on winning the Presidency.  If I am reading the polling data right, the whole manufactured Flynn controversy--which as I have argued should actually HELP Trump in the long run--seems to have caused Trump's numbers to go UP, not down.

The media has had American politicians on a leash for such a long time, they don't know what to do when somebody just ignores them.  They can't argue the facts, and like long term addicts, they can't break away from the habit of lying.

Thus, when I say 'IT'S TRUMPS WORST WEEK EVER.  AGAIN!!!"   I am mocking them, and their dishonest and dishonorable efforts to prevent honest and genuinely useful policy from being implemented to help actual Americans, and to defend common sense and common decency.

Friday, February 17, 2017

Civil Service

They say armchair generals discuss strategy, whereas the professionals discuss logistics.

Here is a logistical question I do not know the answer to: how easily can Trump fire career "civil servants", particularly if they are blatantly insubordinate?  Are we so insane as a nation that we have made it hard to fire people who not only do not want to do their jobs, but want to sabotage the initiatives of the person they supposedly work for?

I read in a left wing meme that Republicans had passed something that allowed individual employees of the government to have their pay cut to nothing, or effectively nothing, as part of bigger spending bills.  I don't know if this is true, but that would be great.

And Republicans control Congress: why not pass a law making it easier to fire assholes who are torpedoing and betraying the work of the elected President?  These mother fuckers exist at the tax payer expense, and if they don't want to do their jobs for any reason, then they need to sign non-disclosure, be forbidden from lobbying for five years, and get booted out the door.

I pondered the "politicization" of the bureaucracy governing our nation.  Here is what I concluded: the President is elected to enact an agenda which is INHERENTLY political.  He is elected to put into place his ideas, and it is the job of the bureaucracy--I keep wanting to use a word I believe Keynes invented, the Commisariat--to enact that agenda.

The President is CEO of America, Inc.  His job is to deliver good things and avoid bad things, to the extent those things properly fall under his scope of responsibilities, and in this his job is no different than the job of any other CEO.  And in any other context, insubordination and sabotage would be grounds for immediate dismissal, no questions asked.  It doesn't matter in any company, and should not matter in our government, if the people involved agree with the policies.  I'm quite sure people who despised Obama nonetheless did their jobs.

But of course it is quite obvious that the people who work for government overwhelmingly favor MORE government, and only one party has been consistent in calling for that, even if both parties have effectively supported it.  I would hazard a guess that AT LEAST 80% of career bureaucrats are Democrats, many of them ardently so.

When I think of decimation, I think of the scene--one actually enacted in history, as I read the book, too, and know this happened--where Mel Gibson, as Lt. Col Hal Moore (who just passed away in the last week or so) in "We were Soldiers Once and Young", tells his troops to find anything that looks suspicious, and fire 3 rounds at it on his mark.  When they do, they realize that heavily camouflaged NVA had been sneaking up on them all night long.  It turns immediately into a major firefight.

It is almost certainly the case that more than 10% of Federal employees plan to oppose Trumps agenda--which is to say the agenda the American people called for enacting when asked in the polling booths--but firing 10% would allow us to get rid of most of the most vocal, the leaders, the Never Trump'ers; and as I have said, the 10% reduction is AFTER the clearly guilty are identified and prosecuted or fired.

Everything would be much, much easier if we had either elected Hillary, or elected a John Kasich, so that we could continue to conceal the lie that much of our government betrays the true interests of most Americans on a daily basis and has for many decades.  The creep would have continued, and with no national leader with a podium to speak obvious and important truths, and full price of these lies would have continued to inch closer to fruition.

Trump is the first President in modern times with a clear mandate to reverse the Leftist erosion of our liberties, of common sense, of coherent morality, and of our nation itself.  All of those who have been working in the shadows are now exposed, and as I said, it is ugly.  Fucking ugly.  But Trump did not invent it.  He did not cause it.  He is simply the one with the balls and the mandate and the tools to fight it.

Trump's "anti gay sentiments"

One of the odder features of the current hysteria is that as far as I know, there is NOTHING, anywhere in the public record, anywhere in anything he said on the campaign trail, that indicates an anti-gay sentiment.

The "logic" seems to go something like "if Trump opposes illegal immigration, he opposes legal immigration.  If he opposes legal immigration he is a racist, and all racists also hate gay people."  As fucking imbecilic as that sounds, I LITERALLY--and I literally mean literally here, no exaggeration, I am not fucking with you in the slightest--think that is what these people believe.

You ask them: where did Trump say anti-gay stuff?  The exact words may vary, but they will never contain specific language said on a specific date.

And I wonder how many remember his first run for President on the Reform Party ticket?  He was asked about gays then, and he said if they are the best match for the job, they are hired, period, no other questions.  asked.  He doesn't care.  It's not something remotely on his radar.  COMPETENCE is on his radar.

And it literally seems like there is flow chart, in which any attack on any designated "minority" or "oppressed (in the sense Oprah Winfrey and Michelle Obama are oppressed) is considered an attack on everybody but white people.  Because it is an attack on everybody but white people, it constitutes "white supremacy".  And the solution to "white supremacy" is yelling.  If the first round of yelling and name calling doesn't work, escalate the tone. Yell louder.  Yell more.  Ratchet up the rhetoric so the "white supremacists" become KKK members, then Grand Dragons, then Hitler Lite, then Hitler, then worse than Hitler.  Then their heads explode, and we don't hear from them any more.  But many heads remain regrettably unexploded, so we are still dealing with the Hitler meme, all of which began with mild disagreement with current immigration policies.

No sane, intelligent person can but view these hysterics with anything but contempt.  It is far, far, far, far, beneath the dignity of ANYONE who claims even a rudiment of common sense, erudition, and capacity for measure taking and sound judgment. It is quite literally a mass eruption of grotesque mental illness.

I was thinking today, though, that all this was already below the surface, and it is very, very good that it is being exposed to light now, because it has masqueraded as decency and humanitarianism for far too long.

The fangs are out.  It is ugly, and a little bit scary, but it is OBVIOUS for all to see.  And as I keep saying, even though the media makes it look like there is consensus, the lunatics, in my best estimate, cannot be more than perhaps 10% of the population, and they cannot but be driving people away from them in droves, as people of genuine good will see the vampires, werewolves, and ghouls lurking underneath the assumed angel wings, and priestly gowns.  It has all been a lie, and now it is unmasked as an OBVIOUS lie.  There is no goodness there.   There is no love of humanity, or a pursuit of better ideas.  It is the abode of the demonic, and always has been.

Demons hide many places, but they particularly prefer the dark, and darkness, in turn, loves lies.  Truth, then is both the best offense and the best defense, and we are blessed with a man running this country who tells the truth.

Thursday, February 16, 2017


If you are an old warrior, you have never fought your last battle until you find the Way.

Unless you can die and be reborn regularly, you are forced to view the world as fixed lines, with tired and old eyes.

The Flynn Assassination

Whenever something "bad" happens, it is always useful to look for any positive aspects of it.

What did this Flynn episode make obvious?  1) that our intelligence agencies do not believe they have to operate by the rules which govern the rest of us; 2) that they are ready and willing to interfere, illegally, in domestic politics in precisely the manner they accuse the Russians of; 3) that Trump threatens their agenda, which means they HAVE an agenda, other than that of supporting the elected representative of the American people, and following his lawful directives; and 4) that the directive granting the NSA broader powers can be reversed by Trump, who is the President now.

I see no difference between Flynn, in his preparations to take office, talking with the Russians about future policy--particularly given the daily and venomous attacks on them which the complicit media was directing--and Obama telling Putin to his face "after the election I will have more flexibility."  The election had not even been held at that point, actually, making this worse.  Obama could not know for sure he would be President.  Flynn KNEW Trump had won.

This whole thing, obviously, is a manufactured tempest in a teacup.  It is TRUMPS WORST WEEK EVER, for the 56th time.  The American people see what is going on, and it pisses us off.  TRUMP IS THE PRESIDENT.  Stop fucking with him daily.

The bonus here, is Trump can draw a line and just say NO MORE ALBERTO GONZALEZ'S.  He can say, look, you attack my people, expect retribution.  Media outlets that run continual propaganda attacks on him can be disinvited from press conferences.

And more importantly, Trump has the political cover he needs, now, in my view, to do a MAJOR house-cleaning among our intelligence service, who seemingly recognize as master neither the law nor their elected boss.  That has to change.

And, again, Trump has what neither Nixon nor Reagan had, which is not just a Republican Congress, but a wave of resurgent support for conservatism generally. Obviously, Paul Ryan is a pussy or part of the swamp, but the movement is in the direction of these assholes needing to watch their backs, or they will get voted out of office.  Americans see what the Left has done, and we are having none of it.  Trump can and should browbeat these people into doing the fucking jobs they were elected to do.

Now, obviously not every battle is worth "going nuclear" over, but clearly in the case of the intelligence community, they drew first blood, which justifies every counter-measure Trump undertakes.

That is the silver lining here.  Sometimes you need your enemies to attack you first, so you can justify the response.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Nixon and Trump

I will remind any readers I may have, that Nixon formed "the Plumbers" to find and stop leaks, which were, if memory serves, among other things sabotaging his efforts to negotiate an end to the Vietnam War.  Watergate was an unauthorized operation, conducted by men who were nonetheless connected to Nixon.

But those times and these are very different.  Nixon had to face a Democrat run Congress.  He was facing continual protests over the Vietnam War.  And even though there were many silent conservatives, there was no honest conservative media.  Everyone was against Nixon, against the war, and eager to crucify him any way they could.

Now, obviously Trump faces that same sort of animus, but the American people have lost faith in our media.  They just put him in office in a defiant "fuck you" to CNN, the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CBS and all the rest.  We have his back.  We gave him a Republican Congress, and gave Republicans a clear majority of the governorships and legislatures.

Conservatism--true Liberalism--is rising.  It is ascendant.  FDR's Democrats are dead, and everyone knows it.  The street thugs attacking Trump supporters cannot claim to stand for anything.  Despite all the noise and shouting, good ideas are surging forth everywhere and cannot be suppressed forever.

Trump has some huge battles to fight, but he has the tools and the support he needs to win them.

Who watches the watchers?

What do you do when the people with the most information, the most ability to wield covert influence, and the most to lose from transparency are working against you?

I would say a purge.  Trump is the CEO of American Government, Inc., and he can fire as many people as he wants.  I would start building background papers on everybody even close to the leaks, start prosecuting people, and start firing people he just doesn't trust.

This is a serious game.  By explicity intention of the law, the CIA is not allowed to work in the United States, but when the Director is weighing in on domestic political matters, he IS working in the United States.  And that is not counting people down the line simply calling up reporters and leaking anything and everything embarrassing they can find, regardless of its effect on national security.

The Romans punished disloyalty and cowardice by decimations.  At times entire legions were ended and folded into other legions without those scars of defeat, cowardice, and treason.

Whatever is done, I think it needs to be big, or he dies of a thousand small cuts.

And ponder, too, the loyalties of those who would oppose a man like Trump.  He is not wanting anything more or less than a safe nation, a healthy economy, freedom for all, and a fair shake for all.  Who opposes an agenda like that?  Could anyone who genuinely loves this country oppose that agenda?  Yes, I get that the media portrays him as Hitler, but these people are not that stupid.  That is epic stupid.

No: these people have likely been sabotaging American interests in the pursuit of global government for decades now.  As I keep pointing out, the CIA DIRECTOR was a Communist in the immediate aftermath of the Vietnam War, after the North broke every treaty is signed, invaded the South, and began a campaign of mass murder, forced collectivization, psychological torture camps, and property confiscation.

If he could be a Communist then, what would have changed since then?  And if he kept getting promoted, can we not assume that many more thought like him?

Maybe we need to end the CIA.  Eradicate it.  Expand the DIA, or form something new from scratch.