Saturday, February 25, 2017

Other oddities

I will from time to time intentionally go into "liminal" areas.  I will read about UFO's (best evidence is that aliens exist, and visit us; I won't justify this comment at length other than to say I put a lot of time and effort into reaching this conclusion, which is shared by a number of NASA astronauts, and one former Minister of Defense of Canada), or giants, or, as I am doing presently, revisiting the evidence for a lost but highly advanced, likely global, civilization which existed at least 12,000 years ago.

I chose to drink tonight.  I said to myself before my meditation today that if I went into overwhelm, I would allow it.  Well, fucking shit hit.  I can't describe what hits me, but my past description of "mainlining fear" is close enough.  I'm somewhat used to it.  I am largely resistant to it.  I can allow massive amounts of fear to flow through me without fearing the fear.  But I have limits.  There is a point where I disappear.  And I did.

Returning to the topic, and attempting to make a circle of this, I continue to wonder what it is we don't know.  I continue to think that a socially and psychologically advanced people would not need air conditioning, fancy food, indoor plumbing, or the light bulb.  What if the whole of their "technology" were oriented around maintaining an individual and thus social sense of harmony and health?  What else, in the end, do you need (besides music)?

Actually, I will go there.  There is a perception I wanted to share I hope I can put into words.

When I feel a bit lost and alone, I have a variety of coping tools, but one of them is to imagine that things worked, once, long ago.  By extension, they may work again, if we can rediscover what they knew then.

I feel, and this is an intuitive guess, that many Leftists have this exact same sense, this nostalgia, this Fernweh, this Saudade (if I might mix languages and linguistic intents), this sense that wherever you are, you want to be somewhere else.  When you do not love yourself, you want to be somewhere else, if you cannot be someone else.

So I read some Communist movie will be played here locally to the accompaniment of our orchestra.  Rich, well dressed people will go spend good money to watch a movie remembering the revolution with nostalgia.  What is it they really want?  They want a home.  They want a sense of belonging.

And these things, for most of them, are "out there".  They are not present to their awareness.  They may be longings and aspirations they share with other people, but their connection to those other people is contingent on a shared delusion: that collectivism is something other than putting the rapists and murderers in charge of everything.

If you watch, there is an oscillation here, from here, to there, and back again.

I watch these things--I don't know what I'm going to write until I write it, quite often--and find them instructive.  All of us have deep patterns within us, things which make sense, but which can only be viewed accurately from a distance.

I will leave this there.  Yes, I know I am talking out loud, but it is making sense to me, and I feel better.

My work continues.  I have many miles to go before I wake.

And it does not help that the road I travel I am inventing as I move.

Edit: I read this, and there is of course stunning logical consistency here.  Emotional logic, but logic nonetheless.  I always walk straight lines, even when I am swaying.

If you ever want to show me a full circle, I can stay there with you the whole way.  Not many people can say that.

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