Tuesday, May 9, 2017

the Gaze

There is an often-quoted saying of Nieztche that "if you gaze into the abyss long enough, it gazes back into you."

What if this is translated as "modern cultural conditions destroyed my mother"?  This, of course, would be an odd phrase upon which to project, but my intuitive sense is that, if I might continue, I am on solid ground here.

All of us contain within us what I tend to call "moments".  If there were a wax museum of our lives, there are scenes which never completed, which we never processed, which conjured overwhelming emotion which was simply passed through and never fully seen, never imbibed.  Which persist over time, until we find the doors and open them and walk through with open eyes.

It is interesting, to me at least, to note that it is quite impossible to know the inner conditions of earliest childhood for nearly anyone. One can assume that a mother who is cold later was cold earlier, but this is not necessarily the case.

I was reading an article yesterday that Ted Bundy's house, which was recently renovated, is reportedly haunted.  Odd things happen.  But to the point, he himself said his parents were great, and all the neighbors said they were a "nice family".

What I would submit is that he was the victim of a double bind, a dual communication at least from his mother which he was unable to ever consciously process.  One can receive "niceness" on one level, and literally unspeakable rage and violence on another.  Sometimes the communication happens not directly, but tacitly, in terms of what is NOT said, and NOT done.

I am getting into and healing the deepest places within myself, and these are interesting caves. I am trying to record some of my explorations, and what I am finding written not just on my walls, but those of humanity.  We are all, after all, connected, as the cliche would have it.  I do believe in a collective unconscious, and something beyond it.  If I go deep enough, I will find a path back to you.

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