Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Neurofeedback and Creativity

I might mention that my EEG turned up that clinically, from a neurological perspective, I have ADD.  Clinically, focusing on anything is much harder for me than for most people.  I have clear hyperarousal in the places you look when looking for trauma residue, and calming that down is my present task.

And of course I have always felt this.  Doing ordinary, simple, daily tasks like doing the dishes or cooking a meal requires effort and focus.  Everything I do from the moment I get up until I go to bed, or get drunk prior to passing out and going to bed is a struggle, and always has been.

But there are two positives to this.  One, if everything requires effort, you get good at applying effort.  I am really good, I think, at breaking down large topics and saying intelligent things about them, and the reason for this is that when I apply myself, I have POWER.  If everything hurts all the time, if everything is frightening all the time, then doing "hard" things is not really that much harder than doing "easy" things.  It amounts to the same for me, and always has.  If I have courage, it comes from having accustomed myself to being afraid and doing what needed to be done anyway.  I do it every day, and have since childhood.

And secondly, I always have images whirring around in my mind.  Everything is in motion all the time.  But this means that I have access to more flexibility than many people, and access to vastly greater content.  Ideas and phrases and images are popping in and out continually.  It gives me a lot to select from.

And of course I like being creative, as I think I am well warranted in believing I am.  And I could not help but conjure Rilke's often repeated comment about the prospect of psychoanalysis that if he loses his demons he might lose his angels too.

And it seems to me that there are three main motivations for creation: 1) for survival; 2) in the service of others, which can include figuring out how to fix oneself, which is my present task, since screwed up people are invariably on balance at least partially a burden to others; and 3) the sheer joy of it.

None of these tasks are in danger.  I feel Rilke, without reading more about him or that comment (which by the way I have not verified was actually said by him), feared losing his status as a creative poet.  This is ignoble in my opinion.  Being admired by others is not a suitable aim for creation.  It is a de facto omission of actual impotence in some aspect of ones emotional life.

I am told 60 sessions is a good goal.  I have done 5, but I am already getting top scores, because I can maintain focus in the face of pain and fear.  I do feel good things are on the way.  Everything I have done has been done dragging a 100 pound weight behind me.  I can't imagine what it will feel like to let that weight go, but I am quite sure I can get used to it!!!   I read 10-15 point jumps in IQ are not uncommon.  That would be fun.

No comments: